Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Mama_Pills, Mar 19, 2011.

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  1. Mama_Pills

    Mama_Pills Well-Known Member

    I haven't felt this crazy in a while ...

    I'm the happiest I've been for a little less than a year now, and it's mostly because of the anti depressants. I haven't cut in a few months; I guess January was probably the last time.

    But last night during a rehearsal for a show I'm in (I'm a Musical Theater major) and we were doing an exercise where my partner had to ignore me while I tried to get his attention. I don't know why it bothered me so much. I couldn't for the life of me even get him to look at me, and it freaked me out because I couldn't see his face. Then he started to not feel like a real person to me, and I could feel myself slipping into some kind of hysteria. First I tried to laugh, but then I started telling him to fuck himself, and I left the room, which I wasn't supposed to do. He came after me, and told me to get back in the room, and I told him no. He asked me why I was even there then, and all I could think of doing was killing myself. I didn't want to exist. I didn't feel like a person, and everything was too real and not real enough at the same time, and I started screaming at him, "Fuck you," and I was hitting him, and the assistant director had to hold me down and drag me into a different room and I kept kicking and screaming at the top of my lungs. I was digging my nails into my hair and pulling and I just wanted to hurt myself. I couldn't cry. I was empty, except for the screaming.

    The assistant director calmed me down and sat with me for a few minutes; the good thing is he's a fellow student and we're good friends. But he's never seen me like that before. No one at school really has. I felt the craziest I've ever felt in my entire life, even worse than when I was at rock bottom.

    I sent a text to my partner and apologized, because they cancelled the rest of rehearsal to send me home, but he hasn't texted me back, and I feel terrible. Then I got a call today from my director, who's out of town this weekend, and she told me I owe everyone an apology because it was uncalled for and I made everyone upset. I feel even worse than I did earlier.

    All I can think about is cutting.

    I would call my boyfriend and ask if I can be with him, but I did that last night already, and he's at work.

    I just feel like any second I'm going to wake up from a bad dream. I don't want to be in this place anymore. I was in such a good mood yesterday too. I feel so insane. I hate it. I just want to die. It would make everyone so much happier.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You were triggered you need to explain that to the director you were triggered and you lost control you are not crazy okay you were hurt and in pain do not be embarassed okay explain what happen get help so when you feel that way again you will cope better okay your friend will understand h ugs
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