I haven't felt this crazy in a while ... I'm the happiest I've been for a little less than a year now, and it's mostly because of the anti depressants. I haven't cut in a few months; I guess January was probably the last time. But last night during a rehearsal for a show I'm in (I'm a Musical Theater major) and we were doing an exercise where my partner had to ignore me while I tried to get his attention. I don't know why it bothered me so much. I couldn't for the life of me even get him to look at me, and it freaked me out because I couldn't see his face. Then he started to not feel like a real person to me, and I could feel myself slipping into some kind of hysteria. First I tried to laugh, but then I started telling him to fuck himself, and I left the room, which I wasn't supposed to do. He came after me, and told me to get back in the room, and I told him no. He asked me why I was even there then, and all I could think of doing was killing myself. I didn't want to exist. I didn't feel like a person, and everything was too real and not real enough at the same time, and I started screaming at him, "Fuck you," and I was hitting him, and the assistant director had to hold me down and drag me into a different room and I kept kicking and screaming at the top of my lungs. I was digging my nails into my hair and pulling and I just wanted to hurt myself. I couldn't cry. I was empty, except for the screaming. The assistant director calmed me down and sat with me for a few minutes; the good thing is he's a fellow student and we're good friends. But he's never seen me like that before. No one at school really has. I felt the craziest I've ever felt in my entire life, even worse than when I was at rock bottom. I sent a text to my partner and apologized, because they cancelled the rest of rehearsal to send me home, but he hasn't texted me back, and I feel terrible. Then I got a call today from my director, who's out of town this weekend, and she told me I owe everyone an apology because it was uncalled for and I made everyone upset. I feel even worse than I did earlier. All I can think about is cutting. I would call my boyfriend and ask if I can be with him, but I did that last night already, and he's at work. I just feel like any second I'm going to wake up from a bad dream. I don't want to be in this place anymore. I was in such a good mood yesterday too. I feel so insane. I hate it. I just want to die. It would make everyone so much happier.