Cries For Help: Silencing Mine.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HelgasAngel, Apr 7, 2013.

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  1. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Man, cries for help can be hard to silence. I think the first step for me towards silencing my cries for help is to ensure everyone I come into contact with that I do not want their help. I do not want to be helped. Sure, people will try because people care and people have good hearts and that's a "good" thing lol, BUT it must be known from the get-go that nothing they do can help. When people know they can't help you, their ears become deaf to any accidental cries for help, least that's how it's worked for me.

    I look up the symptoms of depression and I try to be the opposite of what they are so my family won't suspect anything. I mean, I can be a very messy person sometimes, and given my past, they will often mistaken laziness for a symptom of depression. So I've stopped doing that. I was going to call my Dad and tell him I love him but then I realized that would be a cry for help. That's one of the symptoms I've read about. Some suicidal people make these "preparations" as last minute cries for help. Nothing can be last minute with me. So I picked up the phone and put it back down on the hook. That happened just two minutes ago. My mother asks me if I would like to go out to the Heritage Festival. When I was happy, I went. I LOVED to go. This year we're having it again and of course I said I want to go. If I elected to stay home and sit in my room she'd know something is up.

    So basically, one thing I've learned going through this process of ending my life is...I'm constantly on my toes. Constantly having to watch what I say and what I do during the days leading up to it. Obviously the day is most important and I have those preparations figured out, but if I can keep my family in the dark, I can succeed. Also, I write all of this on here because it better allows me to really internalize all of the knowledge I have of psychologically and emotionally preparing myself for the end. Writing things down helps to internalize information.
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    How do you think your family will feel? wanting to know, wanting to help wanting and questioning if they could of done more, done anything, there lives would be consumed needing answers they would never get.

    three simple words

    Don't Do It
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i guess i have a couple of questions for you.

    1. what's so bad that you want your life to end now?. i know you're still at school- or at least, i believe you are because of your status

    2. why don't you want help?. their are people out their who can really help you... have you ever thought about maybe therapists or other professionals, meds?. etc etc?

    3. why don't you want your family to know- surely if you just, did it, they would be left with so many questions.. and you don't want that for them surely?

    emily xx
  4. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    oh considering how my family would feel was Step 1 of my plan. No way I would be able to go through with this if I cared whether my family would be upset or not. I'm not even close with 95 percent of my family, and that 5 percent I am close with has family to support them in the aftermath of my suicide. It's actually very easy to not consider their feelings.
  5. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    1. Nope. Graduated from a two year college a year and a half ago and haven't been back since. Don't plan on going back for obvious reasons. And I'm a burden to my mother is one of the main reasons. Guilt mostly. But I mostly just want to end my life because life is just....pointless. Period.

    2. Done everything possible to help myself. That's what makes this solution so easy to accept. I've tried, given it my best, just didn't work. At this point, I don't want help.

    3. I could care less what my family thinks. lol. As I've said above, I'm not close with the vast majority of them at all. If I was, I wouldn't be on this site.
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm not entirely convinced that you do not want to help yourself. The impression I get from your posts is that you are trying to justify to yourself, on a public forum that you no longer want the help to get better. You say you have tried everything, well, what is everything? Unless you have tried every single medication, every single type of therapy, learned every single coping mechanism and tried every type of hospital admission then you have not tried everything. Instead of keeping everything to yourself, which I suspect you have done for a long time, share that burden out. I think from reading your other posts, you are in your early 20's? Life has barely even begun. You are still growing up, learning about the world. It is impossible to have experienced every opportunity life has to offer you.

    You say you don't care about how your suicide what affect your family, and that the family that would care about you have people to support them after. There are many people here at SF who have lost children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends to suicide. And NONE of them can say that they have gotten over it, even with support. It has destroyed their lives completely, and the guilt that they have to live with after is unimaginable. We here have also lost members we cared about very much to suicide, and even though many did not know each other in real life, we were all affected, we were all grieving. It doesn't matter how "close" you are to somebody. Suicide affects EVERYBODY and those effects last for life.
  7. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    you say, you don't want help at this point- leads me to believe that you may do in the future... is their anything, anything at all that might make you rethink?

    i agree with butterfly too- she made some good points
  8. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    The point of these posts isn't to convince you that I do not want help. I don't have to justify to myself that I no longer want the help to get better because if I wanted the help I would have had it by now. I've had numerous opportunities to get help but I haven't accepted it and I don't intend to. And yes I've tried most every coping system and method of help that could help me. Psychologist? Check. Psychiatrist? (medication) Check. Psych Ward? Check. Outpatient program. Check. Utilizing Coping *Skills* I learned about in the psych ward? Check. Talked to my family about it? Check. With my parents? Check. Friends? Check. And the list goes on. Believe me, if I didn't do everything I possibly could have to help myself, I would not be doing this, and I would not have this mindset. But this mindset comes from knowing that I truly cannot be helped. I just can't. If I'm trying to justify myself of anything, it's that my mother will not be blamed by my father (which is more of a fear) and that she will have a great support system after I'm gone. Those two things are most critical for me to get over the hump. I haven't attempted, truly attempted suicide in five years. I might have succeeded if I had timed things right to prevent intervention, but I was 17 and dumb and didn't think it through. This planning has been in the works for weeks and I do not intend on failing. Yes, I'm 21 years old and turning 22 tomorrow actually.
  9. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Nope. Nothing.
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