Man, cries for help can be hard to silence. I think the first step for me towards silencing my cries for help is to ensure everyone I come into contact with that I do not want their help. I do not want to be helped. Sure, people will try because people care and people have good hearts and that's a "good" thing lol, BUT it must be known from the get-go that nothing they do can help. When people know they can't help you, their ears become deaf to any accidental cries for help, least that's how it's worked for me. I look up the symptoms of depression and I try to be the opposite of what they are so my family won't suspect anything. I mean, I can be a very messy person sometimes, and given my past, they will often mistaken laziness for a symptom of depression. So I've stopped doing that. I was going to call my Dad and tell him I love him but then I realized that would be a cry for help. That's one of the symptoms I've read about. Some suicidal people make these "preparations" as last minute cries for help. Nothing can be last minute with me. So I picked up the phone and put it back down on the hook. That happened just two minutes ago. My mother asks me if I would like to go out to the Heritage Festival. When I was happy, I went. I LOVED to go. This year we're having it again and of course I said I want to go. If I elected to stay home and sit in my room she'd know something is up. So basically, one thing I've learned going through this process of ending my life is...I'm constantly on my toes. Constantly having to watch what I say and what I do during the days leading up to it. Obviously the day is most important and I have those preparations figured out, but if I can keep my family in the dark, I can succeed. Also, I write all of this on here because it better allows me to really internalize all of the knowledge I have of psychologically and emotionally preparing myself for the end. Writing things down helps to internalize information.