Crippled by the past

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, Feb 16, 2015.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Hello

    I feel like I'm losing my mind a bit more everyday. I've been through ups and downs in my life but the last 5 years have been really hard, especially the last 2. I moved to a new town (4 years ago) after a long relationship ended. She was my first girlfriend and I was hopelessly codependent. I was bullied hard growing up and never had any support home, most of my youth was spent inside four walls. I kinda filled all the holes in my soul with her and things were fine for a long time. Things went sour and we broke up and went our separate ways.

    I had started drinking heavily by the time I came to this new town (to study). It was supposed to be a new start but I had way too much baggage with me, I ended up just drinking most nights of the week pissing my school away. Ended up in rehab and things were better for a while. I met some new friends and even met a new girlfriend.

    Turns out she had a bunch of problems too: aggression, jealousy, obsessive controlling/manipulation. I couldn't handle it and my old traumas resurfaced. Became isolated and alienated from all my friends, drinking came back also. For a few years we have been living in a state of constant tension. Last summer it culminated when I was fed up with it all and said I want us to separate. She didn't take it well and threatened with suicide. I caved in because I am weak and things continued but I wasn't happy.

    One night I just left and went to a bar, said to her that it's over. I ended up cheating on her and the next day hell broke loose. She became violent and threatened to kill me and everyone I know and herself, had to call the police/paramedics 3 times that night.

    Things settled down after that a bit. I was an emotional wreck and just gave up on everything. I had managed to work the summer before that and for the first time in a long time had some energy but after all this I just was frozen inside.

    Right now I'm staying sober again after I went to rehab before new years. I'm trying to go to school slowly but it is very hard. All the people I knew here have moved away or moved on with their lives. It's hard to go through each day and try to find the strength to do things.

    My past haunts me. Everything I have worked for, every dream I have had seem to be smashed to pieces. I live in a state of constant fear and numbness. I fear for my psychical well being, my body aches all over and I'm constantly tired. I really and truly despise myself and I'm certain everyone else does too. I notice more and more that people avoid me.

    Sorry for the rambling, I probably forgot half of what I wanted to write. I just feel more and more that there is no future for me. I can see nothing but pain and agony ahead. Death is hovering around me every day, behind my every thought and action.

    Just needed to vent some, today is not a good day.
     
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    :hug: I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. It is hard and I think of the past constantly. I'm sorry you were abused in the past, but it sounds like you finally broke away from that.
     
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I was just wondering, have you ever had any therapy to deal with the trauma's in your past? If you deal with those issues head on, you are more likely to not return to the bottle because you will have dealt with those issues and your depression may lift if it's those past trauma's and fears that are holding you back. Sometimes the anxieties I have are because of things that have happened in the past. I am addressing those issues in therapy right now and although it's hard I am sure it will be worth it.
     
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