Something about my childhood that hasnt left me. Still totally maladjusted. What a fucking strange adult ive become. Still wont connect with other people, outwardly friendly sometimes, but an emotional desert on the inside. I see people that can communicate and behave in a certain way that suggests, not only are they happy with their life, but they have a certain confidence that no matter what happens, they will always have friends and family to back them up. They've had a long history of being around people that have supported them, helped them, watched them grow, and as a result they are now really well formed people - happy, confident, outgoing, driven. For me, I look back over all this time and I can see why I am the person I am today. I could plot a chart that would show it was inevitable in many ways. It just makes me sad is all, and what makes it worse is the fact up until this point I havent been able to shake it in any lasting way. All this time alone, whether im shelled up in my room, or out in the real world, im still that lost child ive always been, and the depression, sometimes it gets so bad I cant even move. God, higher power, alien overlords - I think I finally deserve an answer. Is this really me? Is this the way Im meant to be? Why cant I make a decision? Why is my life so meaningless? All I really do is think, shit, and carry on breathing, tainted in positive and negative ways by a truth that I still cant put a finger on. Why is it such a fucking puzzle? Not so long ago I was excited by the coming changes, now im just scared, and where do I go now in my personal life? I felt so guilty about valentines day. What she did was totally unexpected to me, and although it was really nice, the guilt, and the last couple days and again im back to the same old question. I dont know what im doing here. Still have those dreams of living in the wild - alone, cold, resigned to fate, but somehow at peace with it, and maybe even stronger. On the other hand I have dreams that fly in a totally differant direction. Busy, social, enjoying a life thats totally foreign to me. Dreams are dreams and reality is one super fucked up reality.