Crippled

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by LetItGo, Feb 17, 2009.

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  1. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Something about my childhood that hasnt left me. Still totally maladjusted. What a fucking strange adult ive become. Still wont connect with other people, outwardly friendly sometimes, but an emotional desert on the inside.
    I see people that can communicate and behave in a certain way that suggests, not only are they happy with their life, but they have a certain confidence that no matter what happens, they will always have friends and family to back them up. They've had a long history of being around people that have supported them, helped them, watched them grow, and as a result they are now really well formed people - happy, confident, outgoing, driven.

    For me, I look back over all this time and I can see why I am the person I am today. I could plot a chart that would show it was inevitable in many ways. It just makes me sad is all, and what makes it worse is the fact up until this point I havent been able to shake it in any lasting way. All this time alone, whether im shelled up in my room, or out in the real world, im still that lost child ive always been, and the depression, sometimes it gets so bad I cant even move.

    God, higher power, alien overlords - I think I finally deserve an answer. Is this really me? Is this the way Im meant to be? Why cant I make a decision? Why is my life so meaningless? All I really do is think, shit, and carry on breathing, tainted in positive and negative ways by a truth that I still cant put a finger on. Why is it such a fucking puzzle?

    Not so long ago I was excited by the coming changes, now im just scared, and where do I go now in my personal life? I felt so guilty about valentines day. What she did was totally unexpected to me, and although it was really nice, the guilt, and the last couple days and again im back to the same old question.

    I dont know what im doing here. Still have those dreams of living in the wild - alone, cold, resigned to fate, but somehow at peace with it, and maybe even stronger. On the other hand I have dreams that fly in a totally differant direction. Busy, social, enjoying a life thats totally foreign to me.

    Dreams are dreams and reality is one super fucked up reality.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sound very confusing as well...all we can do is make our moments the best...our dreams are symbols for what we need to work on when awake...they tell us how to spend what little energy there is left...the nice things is that you are not alone in real life...big hugs, J
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    It took me years and a vast amount of expense to get over much the same childhood.
    I remember once saying I felt like Syvia Plath under her belljar, as if an invisible wall seperated me from the rest of humanity.
    The only way forward seems to be take the plunge and trust someone.
    Therapy would be a good option to, I mean real therapy not just the usual shit the GP doles out.
     
  4. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    If you haven't seen the movie, Into The Wild, you should. It came out a couple of years ago, about a young man going into the wilderness alone. Sometimes a movie can have a message that we need to hear.
     
  5. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    I saw it and enjoyed it, although the guy was totally unprepared for the realities of living that life. Was said to see him go the way he did as well, starvation, not pretty. If he had been prepared, even with just the basics, he could have survived and flourished...but I guess that was the point - leaving it all behind, dont think id go to those limits ;)

    Ultimately the movie didnt depress me at all. Just reinforced my belief that nature is the greater power and it deserves and demands our respect.
     
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