Hi all, I am a 25 year old male crippled by anhedonia and severe anxiety. I've been slowly declining through and since college. I had two anxious meltdowns in college and most recently had a 3 day nervous breakdown in Taiwan after failing to get an English teaching job which brought on a seemingly permanent inability to feel any pleasure/creative thinking in addition to physical symptoms such as hands shaking violently at anything stressful, twitching of whole body/left temple, etc. Stress is no longer about a "mental critic," it's become physical. Meditation and breathing exercises and CBT exercise have no effect anymore. Continuous therapy then and now have not been effective. Because of my anxiety and self harm and extreme procrastination issues and suicidal ideation throughout college and after, I have a severely messed up transcript and passivity regrets that grip me to my core. Exploiting incompletes through disability resources and bottling my mental issues in face of peers and family unaccepting of mental health issues have wrecked my morals and work ethic and made me a compulsive liar to keep people from worrying about me. For someone who has had so much potential in life, I've just irrationally thrown away my life and am unable to cope with the stress of ordinary transient life. I've also relapsed on my codependency issues and moved back home with family. My physical and mental self harm has led to memory issues and utter lack of passion or enjoyment in things I enjoyed full heartedly. I am terrified of my anhedonia and declining mental state as well as my unmanageable finances. I've already been through hospitalization and a new therapist now, rehashing old issues I should have overcome in college. I've lost a lot of progress that I worked to make in high school and failed myself on my own principles I set out for myself. I have lost my ambition and high standards and drive along with my ability to appreciate life. I don't feel a will to live or an ability to love myself anymore. I am at the end of my rope and can think nothing else of but suicide. I am sorry for squandering my talents and my mind as well as having to hurt those that love me as well as innocent people that might see me dead. It's always been easier to care and look out for others in need than to love and care for myself. I have driven myself into this corner and deserve the consequences of my actions. I just mentally cannot accept the past I've lived and the present I've made for myself. I've made self harming gestures before and reached out to others, but rejection, fear, success then relapse have all made me desensitized. I've always been told I've been hard on myself but I haven't been able to stop it. This just seems to be the logical outcome of someone unable to maintain their emotions and to continuously choose self harm over self love. I apologize for ranting, just hope I can talk to others who understand before committing to something irreversible. Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to read this.