Crippling doubt and fear of the future.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Heretekdan, Jan 7, 2013.

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  1. Heretekdan

    Heretekdan Member

    My name is Daniel, and I'm 23 years old.

    I've held few jobs in my life, my only real job was working for a Mcdonalds last year, during that time I was completely overwhelmed to the point where I wasn't functional as a person, I couldn't stop shaking, I couldn't keep myself calm enough to do my job, I would constantly forget orders and mess things up, I made a fool of myself, I moved from that town, with my grandparents to a new place recently, and now I'm on Medicaid and waiting for SSI to come through or not, but I've been ravaged by questions and self doubt, what am I going to do if this doesn't work? How can I gain more self-control? How can I meet new people at this place, in the middle of nowhere when I've got no money to go out and socialize, network with people or even to drink my sorrows away, if I'd want to do that. It's gotten to the point where I'm constantly stuck inside, and I'm slowly becoming more and more of a hermit, I can't see any real reason to leave the home, I feel a massive amount of anxiety if I'm out on my own now, especially if I'm by myself in large open areas (as are somewhat common, where I live.) I've got college loan debt from when I attempted to go to school a few years ago, my love life's in shambles, and I've not felt a single bit of contentment in a good bunch of years, I don't know how to really deal with it, I go to therapy, I speak to my doctor, but I don't know if it's really helping.

    Sometimes, it seems like that the only thing that keeps me from doing something extremely bad is my family, I don't want to make my family more worried about me than they already are, or to mourn me if I did something stupid. But all I've done for the last five or six months has been sitting here in my room, playing video games and hiding myself from the world, alone.

    I want it to stop, I want to meet new people and find a new job, I want to not feel so insecure with myself as a person, I don't even feel like a person sometimes, I feel like I'm just there, sometimes I'd rather not be just there, y'know?

    I'm sorry if I'm just rambling at this point, I appreciate it if you read this post, you have my thanks.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun you sound so much like my daughter did she shook at work to hun so frightened She is now getting therapy and on medication for her anxiety hun and is doing so much better
    You have not said if you have professional help or not hun. I hope you do as it can get better hun
  3. Heretekdan

    Heretekdan Member

    I'm currently taking medications and getting therapy from a local clinic, I believe I was diagnosed with Bipolar, either way, it's hard for me to leave the home, and just as hard for me to think ahead.

    Thank you for the reply.
  4. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i can understand fear of the future, i really can.

    i'm 25, and my life has been, well, far from perfict.

    i often say to myself.. well, do i want to live until 40- and still be where i am today?. or just kill myself- and get out of this pain

    what's harder for me, is on top of my mental issues i'm in a wheelchair.. so need support with everything from getting out of bed in the mornings, to having food and drink prepared for me.. that's something else i think about- do i really want to continue until 40, it will be so embarrasing asking people to do really basic things for me
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