Crisis in the making

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sick_o_fear, Jan 23, 2011.

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  1. sick_o_fear

    sick_o_fear New Member

    So it's been a rough year.

    Others may have had worse and I hope many have had better. I do not know what is wrong with me. Many of you can use terminology I do not have the luxuary of. When i get down I go down hard. When I go up I don't trust it. I don't trust any one or anythign as a result. Not something I want to remain a constant but I digress.

    Last year I was raped I was infected with the HP5 Virus (this was a woman who drugged me and raped me just so I can be honest about the specifics and hp5 is not hepititus or aids or anything like that). In the past few months the patching up of my relationship has come to what very much seems like an end. I doubt i'll ever find a woman who accepts what's happened to me and I will die alone.

    I will say this. I came here because I have been here before. because the people here have and can help others. I won't commit suicide any time soon. But I will be going in for tests for colon cancer. I've got nothing to live for. I've looked. I've searched. I've desperatly tried to find something that i can latch onto.

    If i've got cancer I'll die. I'll be free of the fear and the doubt and the paranoia. I'll be afraid. I'll be terrified. In light of that I am not strong enough to keep my self alive.

    If i'm free of cancer... i'll have a life I don't want to live. I'll have an empty hole of a life I am affraid of living. In that realisation I'll try and take my own life.

    This Forum is a place that helps. Makes a difference. I need it's help and I am asking. Any one reading this who thinks they have things worse... You've come to the right place. You think you can't find away out? try looking for a way through. That's what I am asking for. and I believe i have come to the right place here

    So please. Even if you've not got advice for the whole thing I'll take advice on anything individual.

    Yours hopefully


    P.S Please don't suggest religon. I believe in god but in my own way and will not have anyone tell me what god can or will do for me though I respect others beliefs I want mine respected as well.

    Thank you all
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You were violated i hope you pressed charges against this women Most importantly i hope you got therapy to help you deal with the trauma. You will need 3d help as well as help from here Meds even to keep you from spiraling even deeper into sadness. You are very strong to come here and post and i hope you continue to post your thoughts and emotions here. It does help to release them to have them heard. hugs to you i hope you get the support you need to fight this battle okay please reach out and get some.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You have been through such hell no wonder you feel so down...and to leave you with physical as well as the emotional scars...have you explored treatment for the emotional components of this? You were a victim and have the right to feel as whole as you can again (I truly know first hand how difficult this is, but this is possible)...I am so sorry this happened to you...big hugs and wish you were here in real life so that I could give you are real one...J
  4. sick_o_fear

    sick_o_fear New Member

    I've tried varying medication. Simply SSRI's I believe they are called and they had little to no effect.
    Counceling did not help.
    At all.
    Due to the fact I am able to think through a situation a thousand times in my head and think of the outcomes and the varyations. I can be honest if I think it could have been worse or not and that is sometimes enough for me.
    However I went to councling when things began to pil up that were as bad as I could imagine. When I went to councling and was asked to talk about "what was bothering me" all that it achieved was to make me feel suicidal over all the things that had happened.

    I asked for coping methods and techniques to stop me doing that very thing. Stop thinking on it all and causing my self to just wanting to give up.

    There is no way to persecute the individual. I didn't know them and the drugs I was slipped have made it so that I have about 5 mins memory for two days. Whilst I know the extent of what happened to me was no where near as bad as t could be, honestly it is just the virus that pains me. I have no idea if i'll ever be able to make love to a woman again? there is so much conflicting information on what i have (due to numerous variations of the virus) I'm not sure i'd be confident on what to say? I can't lie and pretend it doesn't exist and yet i have no idea what to tell people it's caused? I'll be frank and honest about my symptoms to people. But not in posts. There are still things I'm not comfortable talking about and that more or less the only one.

    I have the first of many appointments with the doctor. In about an hour infact.

    I live in the UK so quite honestly our health system is questionable. Drugs don't help therapy was never offered and Councling hasn't helped (if there is a difference between the two) and if I had to do councling again with all the extra stuff that has happened I'd be amazed if i didn't try dangle from the councelors own shoe laces.

    Thank you for such rapid replies. Bless the pair of you. I'll keep people informed.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 24, 2011
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    :hug: I'm sorry you have had to go through so much. :( I'm not really sure what I can say other then I'm thinking about you and do care. Sorry I was busy in chat making food. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. Ok, Take care! Keep us updated on your result for cancer.
  6. sick_o_fear

    sick_o_fear New Member

    No worries what so ever swift. I was just hovering in chat before going to an apointment seeing if I recognised any names.

    I actually read a few of your posts before I made my own. Found your outlook really reffreshing. The way you accept your good days and confront your bad. That's a strong thing to do man.

    Seems I may have more problems then the cancer as it might not be cancer. Might be my insides falling apart. Groovy huh. Either way I'll know in about 6 weeks as to what is wrong and what can be done. Till then i'm going to keep seeking advice and offering it where I can to those that want to take it.
  7. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    I have enormous respect for you. Being able to talk about the hell that you have been through has taken an huge amount of courage. Rape is rape, whether it happens to a woman or a man, and you are entitled to exactly the same amount of support. Did you get the opportunity to speak to anyone from the Rape Crisis Centre? If not, I would recommend that you try. I really do feel for you. Having to deal with all of your physical health worries as well is making things even harder for you. I know that the UK healthcare system is hit and miss, but my Psychiatrist is wonderful. Please don't rule that route out completely. :hug:
  8. sick_o_fear

    sick_o_fear New Member

    I haven't given up on any particular routes as of yet. The councilor I saw was rubbish when I had no where near as much stuff on my plate so my confidance in that line has been completely shattered. Even if I remove the fact that one person may differ from another the fact remains I will become severely depressed by talking bout what i have been through.

    During good days I can happily recount anythign applying simple reason wit and even humour to what I am recounting and carry on with my day. However it sets me up for a bad day when everythign becomes a downward spiral and we all know that's never a fun spiral to be in.

    As for the physical assault (which is how I preffer it be reffered as) It was years ago. There is nothing more that can be done on it as I have far more pressing things to deal with in the here and now. Fact is The after affect is plain and simple. I will never be able to be with a woman ever again. Not without lying to her or risking utter rejection. That to me is far worse then the assault ever could be.

    Thanks again for the kind words up until now they are most appreciated and have stayed off many bad days. Pat on backs all round
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I will become severely depressed by talking bout what i have been through.
    i too have to go thru what was and yes one does get worse before they get better. one does get very depressed that is why meds are needed to keep one stable
    You need a therapist that deals with trauma that has years behind him or her that has the skills to help you heal.
    My first therapist did not give a xxxxxx about me left me hanging with all kinds of pain but i tried again and thank god i did. I am still healing 2yrs plus now but unless you deal with what happen it will never go away never.
    I too do not have a relationship with my partner we just exist that is it but i hope in time i will trust again we will see.

    Hugs to you okay i know not good but please don't give up on you and your healing it will take time it will be hard but it is necessary to go through all again to get thru to the other side of this pain
  10. Nima

    Nima Well-Known Member

    You should want to live Sick of fear you should I mean life is what we make of it and you should stop wanting to die. God gave us life and we should really be more grateful of life and stop wanting to throw it away
  11. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    sick o fear, I have heard of dating services that cater exclusively to people of incurable STD diseases. They marry each other, and cannot infect each other because they have the same illness. Hope this helps in some ways.
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