Crisis Support Needed

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by alimar, Nov 14, 2007.

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  1. alimar

    alimar Well-Known Member

    It’s been a long time since I visited this place, as you can see I am alive but right now very much in crisis. I decided to turn to you for some support rather than calling the local crisis team.

    I am an emotional wreck, I am draining from fight to try and get help for my so called “Recurrent Depression” as the pathetic psychiatrist refers to it as – completely ignoring the years and endless bouts of severe depression along with mood swings and hypomania. So because of this I have to live with swinging from high to low and it’s something I can no longer cope with.

    Having already one failed attempt of dying behind me in 2006 and coming close to doing it again earlier this year I was sent to the hospital psychiatrist had three appointments and was discharged.

    Here I am, feeling like pure shut, I have not slept in days, I am tired and exhausted and I figured out now due to some drug research online the best way to end my life quickly with over the counter meds, this time using a method that won’t fail.

    The questions is, it will hurt my parents, this I understand, my poor little defenceless dog will lose it’s mother, of course I won’t have to live with the guilt since I will be dead but this and a small part of me tells me to be strong and fight.

    Every time I see my GP, I am this quiet shy reserved girl when really I want to shout out, I am homicidal, I want revenge on those who have hurt me, I dream of carrying out awful things and I feel like I am encouraged, I want to die now, I don’t want to carry on but secretly I want to take people who have hurt me so much with me so there loved ones can go through the pain and suffering I have had to endure for real. Now tell me is this the sane rational thinking of someone who has recurrent depression – I think not.

    I've already lost my temper once this year which got me into trouble with the police, and I very much nearly lost it again this evening... I am scared I will lash out and harm someone and I do not know what to do about it and how to tell someone anyone, my GP, the CPN... anyone.

    I am sick and tired of these thoughts running through my head, blocking my true thoughts and feelings, if I die then I am free from that my pain and torment will be over and maybe my life will start again elsewhere.

    What to do?
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You're doing it right now. Keep talking to us. It sounds like you need some pretty big shoulders right now. Mine are available. PM me and lets see what we can come up with
     
  3. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Hi Alimar.

    Itmahan is right. You are already doing it. Seeking out for help where you know you wont be turned down.

    All I can think of right now is to change psychiatrist. If you feel he-she is not attentive to the overall symptoms and issues therefore affecting the correct diagnosy or-and treatment.

    I have had to change as not only I was not progressing positively but worsening and getting worse as time went on. If it is your case, start lookng around for a replacement to your psi doc.

    The lack of sleep worsens depression and suicidal thoughts yet can be helped with proper cure. You seem to have anger issues on which your bottlening up has come to an overflow outburst. Do take action before risking harming yourself or others. I KNOW it is hard to do, but no good will come of it hun.

    If you feel you need psy help asap and feel that where you have been, seen have not been of any help in the past, GO ELSWHERE.

    There are other psichiatrists as well as other hospitals. You are not obligated to go to a specified one.

    I am not of great help to you yet are not alone here. You know this place so you have knowledge of the support given-found on this site.

    Wishing you to soon start feeling better

    Please stay safe.
     
  4. alimar

    alimar Well-Known Member

    Thanks for you’re replied, I do appreciate it.

    Well last Thursday morning when I wrote that to say I was an emotional wreck is an understatement.

    I got some sleep, and the morning went by okay… then I came home had something stuffed through my letterbox from the council about plans to build something close to my new house.

    I went hysterical, I screamed, I shouted, I cried I telephoned my friend who couldn’t even tell it was me on the phone. I simple went from human to this angry wanting to kill person.

    My friend was worried she called my GP or one of them who came out to me – the firs time I have ever had a home visit. It was a GP I am not familiar with by the time arrived my friend had arrived also but I had also calmed down somewhat, but it was obvious I was in a state.

    I cannot say the GP helped as per usual I found him patronising but my friend said he was nice.

    He offered to call the crisis team for me but since I talked to him I didn’t see any point as it is not like they would do anything.

    (I have very little faith in the NHS!)

    The rest of that week I was constantly up and down and I cannot get the thought of dying out of my head, in the past I thought I had something to live for but now I not sure, life just feels like it is not worth living anymore, but hey ho I am still here for now.

    I went back to see the GP this week at his surgery as requested, and again felt it was a waste of time so much so he didn’t even know what antidepressants I was taking as he offer to increase them to the dose I have already been on for three months.

    I am desperately trying to save up for a private appointment to see a PDOC, I have found one I would like to see but being without my job now means it could be a few months till I can raise the cash.

    The NHS seem adamant to keep telling me this is Recurrent Depression when I clearly know it’s more than that. Because of this I am unable to get them to give me anything other than antidepressants and I have tried around 9 in a 7 year period, several have produced hypomania – also ignored by the professionals, the others did nothing.

    I feel lost, lonely I am constantly paranoid about people in my life and I am desperately trying to reach out for someone to notice I need help and for the so called professionals to stop fobbing me off.

    It’s obvious I want to live if I am prepared to go private and folk out £200 to see a PDOC, but at the same time I think to myself why bother, you have lost your 20’s being like this you’re 30 now and it is not getting any better.

    I keep thinking on contacting my CPN through the crisis team but last time I tried to self refer she wouldn’t book me an appointment to see her and told me to phone back in 4 weeks and the last thing I need now is rejection.

    I am lonely, isolated, missing my job which I had to quit this year, hating everything about my life and need help but no one seems to want to help me.
     
  5. Up&down

    Up&down Well-Known Member

    Hi alimar,
    CPN's,Physcs and doctors are like a lottery a friend recomened a cpn to me and I thought he was a real plonker.
    Keep in close touch with your friends, try not to isolate even now when I do my head goes all over the place.
    Keep posting, keep venting via your posting,
    you will find a mental health team you gel with when you do stick to them.
    Keep asking them questions until you find the right med's or treatment you deserve.
    Stay safe
    Take care
    Danny.
     
  6. alimar

    alimar Well-Known Member

    Thank you Danny, I apprecite it.
     
  7. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    What people hurt you? And what did they do?
     
  8. alimar

    alimar Well-Known Member

    Well to keep it short, I suffered with years of anti-social behaviour where I lived involving several neighbours. I have just moved myself but some family are still tied in there.

    I hate those people living there so much for the harassment they have caused me the abuse, the jokes, the sleepless nights, the fear I was to die because I couldn’t take it anymore.

    I dream of killing them all… I know I know it’s far from practical but I seek revenge for how they treated me.
     
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sorry alimar, I want to help you but really don't know how. All I can offer is my thoughts and a place to talk whenever you need. PM me anytime if it will help.
     
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