It’s been a long time since I visited this place, as you can see I am alive but right now very much in crisis. I decided to turn to you for some support rather than calling the local crisis team. I am an emotional wreck, I am draining from fight to try and get help for my so called “Recurrent Depression” as the pathetic psychiatrist refers to it as – completely ignoring the years and endless bouts of severe depression along with mood swings and hypomania. So because of this I have to live with swinging from high to low and it’s something I can no longer cope with. Having already one failed attempt of dying behind me in 2006 and coming close to doing it again earlier this year I was sent to the hospital psychiatrist had three appointments and was discharged. Here I am, feeling like pure shut, I have not slept in days, I am tired and exhausted and I figured out now due to some drug research online the best way to end my life quickly with over the counter meds, this time using a method that won’t fail. The questions is, it will hurt my parents, this I understand, my poor little defenceless dog will lose it’s mother, of course I won’t have to live with the guilt since I will be dead but this and a small part of me tells me to be strong and fight. Every time I see my GP, I am this quiet shy reserved girl when really I want to shout out, I am homicidal, I want revenge on those who have hurt me, I dream of carrying out awful things and I feel like I am encouraged, I want to die now, I don’t want to carry on but secretly I want to take people who have hurt me so much with me so there loved ones can go through the pain and suffering I have had to endure for real. Now tell me is this the sane rational thinking of someone who has recurrent depression – I think not. I've already lost my temper once this year which got me into trouble with the police, and I very much nearly lost it again this evening... I am scared I will lash out and harm someone and I do not know what to do about it and how to tell someone anyone, my GP, the CPN... anyone. I am sick and tired of these thoughts running through my head, blocking my true thoughts and feelings, if I die then I am free from that my pain and torment will be over and maybe my life will start again elsewhere. What to do?