I've had a scary day, my days have been getting worse and worse. I suffer from anxiety mostly but it usually takes a break over summer yet it's getting worse and worse. This morning I completely freaked out while on the phone to my ISP/phone provider because I didn't recognise our number on the bill and have been giving out a different one for weeks. I REALLY freaked out, I eventually recognised it and it scared me even more that I'd forgotten it, my memory is getting bad lately. I was terrified and in tears because I feel so alone, I can't remember what happened next - oh yes I can I tried to knock myself out but hitting my head repeatedly on the kitchen cupboard and then cutting myself on the legs which I've done before, neither achieved anything except the pain from the cuts which I like. I had my doctors appointment that afternoon. She's put me on valium for a week, I'm not abusing it but I had some scary tasks to perform (outside, town, people, etc teriffies me). I luckily didn't have to do them as some mysterious money appeared in my account. But I still had to be there and I find walking for too long really hard, I have a car but walking around town takes a while. Lately I've been so broke I couldn't afford to eat properly, I had maybe 2 slices of toast a day. Since I had some money I bought too much food and ate it all and felt really ill and sick after. I've been doing this for the last couple of years it feels like a form of self harm or punishment. I phoned the Crisis Team this after noon after eating, told the woman on the phone everything that happened today and she said what did she want me to do about it? I was kinda stumped and also scared of asking for anything. What I REALLY want is to spend some time in hospital where I can be kept an eye on and not hurt myself but I couldn't ask for it. All I could manage was that I was afraid of being in the house and wanted to be taken out of it. She said it's not her job to take people out of their houses. She then said I was being really evasive and if I didn't say what I wanted she'd terminate the call. I told her I was scared to talk and felt really sick. She heard that someone else was in the house and said "oh so you have someone else to talk to?" I said no, I can't talk to him about stuff like that. I did answer her in more detail after that I think I said "I need to be kept an eye on so I don't hurt myself" but she talked over me and still accused me of saying nothing. I said I just told you and she repeated herself and hung up. She also said at some point that this is why they hate their number being given out to just anyone and not people on Home Treatment. Is it worth either ringing them again? The doctors out of hours service? Maybe when she asked me what I was going to do for the rest of the night I should have said kill myself. I'm not being flippant, I want to die more than anything in the world.