Crisis

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by billie, Jul 13, 2015.

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  1. billie

    billie New Member

    I am so scared of forums of all kinds. People are usually mean with me in them.
    I have literally three friends and, of course, they're not here all the time. Not even online. No one ever says good morning or good night to me (except my mom, I guess). I'm in a long-distance relationship, and this is starting to make me think about suicide. I have no friends to hang out with, my partner is never online, never answers me. I don't know why. He says he is grounded, but I can see him online sometimes. And he talks to me like, once in every 3 months. I don't want to blame on him, he's anxious and depressed too, but we should help each other, y'know, like a couple. I think he hates me, but this is probably my paranoia working. I'll never know the truth.
    I feel stuck in my own life. Everyone is having fun and I am here, rooting. Sometimes I want to die for revenge. I want them to feel guilty because of what they do to me. I want to have fun, I want to be around people who are here for me, who can deal with a depressed friend.
    I want to die so badly. I don't want to stay here for "the people who will miss me", I don't want people to miss me. The last person who said that would miss me if I killed myself turned into a transphobic feminist and now fights for people like me to be dead. Her name is Fernanda. She now is one of the reasons I want to die. I don't want to live in a world that pressures teenagers into hating themselves, I don't wanna be a teenager and I don't wanna hate myself anymore.
    I'll never be happy, I've accepted it, but why can't I just chill? I'm angry. I'll turn seventeen in 15 days, why, why am I so sad. I'm into antidepressants, I'm into selfharm, I'm into death. I'm ashamed of my body. I'm ashamed of being transgender, I hate talking about it, I hate people's reaction. I'm ashamed of being alive.
    I'll probably try suicide again today. And I'll probably fail.
     
  2. panzer759

    panzer759 Active Member

    I'm so sorry u have to deal with all that u must, but know that everyone I've met in this forum is extremely kind and welcoming. Similar to u I am also 16, and we have probably had to deal with many people who would give us a hard time for who we are. I don't know what it is like to be transgender, but I do know what it is like to be bisexual and could offer you some help to accept who u are and not be ashamed of being yourself. based on ur post, I see that u feel similar feelings as me, and I hope u take help from anyone on the forum. I hope u don't hurt urself tonight, u deserve to feel better than how u do now. good luck, friend
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi billie and welcome to the forum. There is no ''one size fits all in life''. There is no shame in being transgender, it is your life, your body, your decisions. Remember that.

    May I ask what anti depressant you are taking? Have you told the doctor that it is not working or have you just recently started taking it?

    I am sorry you have to go through all of this but there is hope. I am not just saying that, I came back from being in a coma to now not depressed, it's never too late to turn your life around and anyone who says it isn't ls lying. Good luck to you!
     
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