Cross oceans and survived only to be cornered with no options

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ocean Master, Dec 9, 2014.

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  1. Ocean Master

    Ocean Master New Member

    Forgive a lack of introduction. Briefly, I'm a 49 year old father of two teens. My wife of 16 hears is fabulous. I love them ore than life. I have been to 34 countries in my life and came from a lower middle class home. I found ways to study abroad, work abroad and see the world. I sought always to learn and imagine. Glean what you will about me.

    I fought to keep everyone in the family alive. We managed to survive the gales of a late and dangerous North Pacific sail from Hawaii, arriving in Alaska after a year at sea battling unbelievable adversities that never seemed to end. My wife and I made the trip once before as younger adventurers seeking to live in a way the mainstream said we couldn't.

    This time, our lives had been threatened more than a dozen times but we used our knowledge and creativity to finish the 13,000 mile voyage from the east coast. Our kids are the better for the resulting broadened perspectives of the world. The run from Kauai to Alaska was 35 days of low pressure systems, and a hurricane that we barely managed to dodge enough that the seas were only 15 feet.

    But while gone, our home was overtaken by squatters and rent wasnt paid for 8 months. Our mortgage is now 9 days past due and we have no further payments. We can’t rent the place until the insurance company decides if they will pay for the vandalism. We planned for what I thought was every contingency. I was to resume chartering vacationers on the boat until I was too old. But we had not planned for a year of house payments with no income from rent. Certainly not the inability to find a job of any kind with a graduate degree and a strong résumé. Most definitely not the reality of facing a situation with no money for food to feed these kids at Christmas.

    I have managed as many as 17 employees and done so many things that exceeded expectations or goals and I can’t get a job as a cashier when kids 18 years old are standing around without a clue here making $509/week. I get letters for filing positions and am told I am not qualified. I hoped I’d be at least an asset to someone. I'm not afraid of work. I'll work until I collapse and do it again the next day. I've done it before. I've always said.."you are not allowed to kill me. Only I am allowed to that and ill fight us both."

    But though I fight, no one gives me a chance to work. I have surely failed. The recession forced us out of our family business in the midwest so we took what was left and tried to go back to something i loved and was an absolute expert at doing. In the meantime, I though that like always…..I’d find a way to make it. Whats left is my life insurance, which I was careful to be sure covered suicide. My combined polices will give this family college and a future. Something I’ve failed to provide in the end. It will save the house. They will not have to worry if they have something to eat next week. Yeah, I know they won’t forgive me but they will have the tools and have been raised well. Please Don't tell me its selfish. I'm the one dying here.

    Give me a few hours and I’ll be in my hopeless rut mentally again. I can fight 30 ft seas and equipment failure thousands of miles from help but in the end I succumbed to society, which for whatever reason, has decided I was not worth hiring for anything.

    My wife is home tonight and that always makes things bearable. But she’s back to work for a week tomorrow and my mind will have only itself to appreciate. <mod edit - methods>. Each day the pressure increases. Time passes relentlessly on my choices. I think of it more and more. Of course I’ll sell the <edit>first and try to stretch it out a few more days or even thru Christmas. Maybe. I thought if I wrote a letter to the editor, someone might give me a job. I doubt it. If I weren’t locked in the looney bin, I’d appear even weaker. After all, I was the fool who left home and took the risk. The one who by many standards should be ignored.

    While I at first refused the notion, we tried for public assistance… stamps… but since we hadn’t lost our house yet, which is upside down slightly, we didn’t qualify. We weren’t on the street yet. I wanted to tell the intern at social services to explain to my kids when they zip my body bag, why they don’t help all applicants, just the ones who steal houses. The squatters in our house not only lived there 8 months for free they got assistance to do so and a free lawyer to fight me in court so they could stay in my house while we had to pay an attorney to help us evict them when we never let them in the house to begin with. It’s all justice. Trust me, if I can face a hurricane 2,000 mikes from land on a 46? sailboat…..I can easily swallow this this<mod edit - methods> . After years of depression as a young man, I wanted to love every minute. I won't however, do it in a homeless shelter. I see no choice. All I wanted to do was work. Frankly, people really suck. i cant the times i have given jobs because someone needed one desperately. Im nearly out of time. Not even sure why I joined this forum. Don't tell me my wife and kids will lose. Please. I'm well read and well educated. I don't wish to take this route. But, I will have the final word. I will win the lotto for them and in every sense of the word, that way, I CAN take it with me. The most depressing thing is that I'm worth more dead than alive. Failing to provide, failing to ever be considered valuable by the professional word cuts deep in a competitive hard working person's soul. I recall getting respected from grad school time and again. Kent state university's letter said "we only accept those applicants with academic potential." I kept the letter. Several years later, I was accepted to an accredited state university that had waived the standardized GRE for a year. I was let in on probation and graduated with a 3.65 GPA while working two low paying jobs and raising our first baby. 240 job applications later I got an interview but only because a state Lt. Governor made a phone call for me. 14 months later a car accident put me out of commission for 4 months and the job was filled. This is the hand I'm dealt. No choice unless I draw 4 aces in the next 10 days. Time is short. Thanks for listening.

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2014
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I trust you can do a lot of things and have the mental fortitude to do a lot to save your family with this type of background. Saving your family means saving your family- not deciding which is to be sacrificed , even if that choice is you and . There is not some noble gesture of self sacrifice because it will be your wife and children sacrificing for the rest of their lives because in their minds all they will knw is that you killed yourself to feed them and house them- it will not make them feel proud of your sacrifice - it will make them feel guilty that they were such a burden you had to kill yourself- and that is the true reality of it.

    Presumably the life insurance is some type of very basic term life policy - if not then you can take a loan against the value- and that is even possible on some term life policies depending on the way it is structured- I mention this simply as a possible avenue to explore to help through the immediate crisis if you have not already checked into that.

    Saving the house is of no great value if you cannot continue to make payments due to lack of job after - whether it is you or your wife- at this point if saving the house is impossible you may be better talking to the bank and going with the voluntary foreclosure / short sale to bank in which case you are both officially homeless and do not have that asset so you can qualify for emergency benefits. That can be done in a matter of 2-3 days and then even after that process you can still stay in the home until evicted by the bank while being officially homeless waiting for the benefits to go through which you will then qualify for.

    Use that time to pull together as a family as you did in your other adventures and between the wife and you and the holiday season take whatever seasonal employment to get cash for basic needs - food stamps will cover the food , and look for better entry level jobs. While the degree and stuff are impressive the erratic nature of employee is causing issues I am sure so take anything either can find for a job to get some small stability then approach this problem like all the other difficult and trying times that you have faced and successfully come through.

    If you would like to pm me I would be happy to try to assist in finding other options for emergency food housing or services to help meet your immediate need as well. It is a difficult situation you are in but one that you can beat and can do so as a WHOLE family, not a family lacking the captain because no matter what happens next month or in three months there will still be problems and challenges that they will be better equipped to face with you with them rather than just having a little cash to pay for house to solve an immediate problem.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Squatters are bottom feeders, sorry you're dealing with this.

    alot are finding themselves "over qualified" for the menial jobs, you're not the only one however im seeing it's changing as I am seeing older people working everywhere in food stores, at fast food places so have some faith and keep applying.

    Suicide will tear your family apart into pieces, they will never recover from it. It's not an answer to your problem. Your life is priceless, there is no money in the world that can bring you back.
  4. Ocean Master

    Ocean Master New Member

    Thank you for the support. Both are of of course right. Trying to fight back. One day at a time.
  5. denise_c

    denise_c Active Member

    Your family will lose so much by losing a person like you. You're extraordinary. Don't do that to them. I understand it's hard but you need to keep going. Don't let it go! You will find a solution!
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