Whenever I go to bed, any little thing that I did wrong during the day warrants me to think about suicide, plan it. I have nightmares where I kill myself. Its like that Gary Joules song "Mad World" "The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had." I think I dream of those things for some reason because they are so evocative. I like the bitterness I like the way it makes me feel. I think I'm drawn by the tragedy of it, its a form of self pity or something. I just think about the saddest things that could possibly happen to me over and over. It's something I'm doing to myself. It's like an addiction to this type of thinking. I'm diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, like schizoaffective and schizophrenia there's this kind of negative affirmation thing going on. Where they hear others say things like creep or "kill yourself" I just tell it mentally in my head. I wonder if it is possible to learn how to become mentally ill. I believe it can be taught, not that you would ever want to learn how to do such a thing, but it might give insight to the illness. Its like a kind of masochism, where the person is drawn by the darkness the bitterness, as opposed to being repulsed by it. The person doesn't ever talk about what is really bothering them. I told my mother I was planning to kill myself. Because it was affecting me so much running this company that I knew if I didn't tell someone I wouldn't be able to do a good job. I still have thoughts and dreams but they aren't as frequent or as intense. I remember when I first fell ill, I had been publicly humiliated when I was 13. I had an out-of-body experience and I started going inwards thinking about what happened over and over, I remember trying to feel what I felt. I remember trying to give myself another out-of-body experience. Then shortly after I began to fantasize about killing myself. All because I didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone - not even my mother. I held it in for almost 10 years before telling anyone of the experience.