crushed completely

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xXxRNBxXx, Apr 25, 2010.

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  1. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    Mark says: Go live your hapopy life without me
    <3 Rachel <3 says:
    my perfect fucked up life
    Mark says:
    well go liveit
    all ur facebook friend
    go add someone else
    <3 Rachel <3 says:
    how about i kill myself right now for you?
    would you be happy then
    Mark says:
    go fukc u ex husband off
    <3 Rachel <3 says:
    knowing you completly destroyed me
    Mark says:
    go add all ur ex boyfriends
    fuck e off
    <3 Rachel <3 says:
    would that give you peace
    Mark says:
    i dont care
    <3 Rachel <3 says:
    knowing if you cant have me no one can
    Mark says:
    look just go away
    i dont wana hear ur shit ur gonna not only kill me
    but kill my mum when i do something
    i dont wanna hear ur crap
    <3 Rachel <3 says:
    yeah your twated the fuck out of your wife and picked on the child
    Mark says: thats unfare
    <3 Rachel <3 says:
    is it?
    Mark says:
    <3 Rachel <3 says:
    or is it the fucking truth?
    Mark says:
    i treated u both well
    <3 Rachel <3 says:
    Mark says:
    i had a few bad times i agree
    <3 Rachel <3 says:
    how on earth you can say that
    Mark says:
    yeah i was wrong for everytime
    i raised my hand
    <3 Rachel <3 says:
    your wrong for treating me like this because you had a drink
    Mark says:
    yeah really wrong and ur divorce will come to u
    ad god will punish me for my sin
    i will rot in hell
    and i dont care
    so im goona go now
    <3 Rachel <3 says:
    drunk and dont know what your doing
    Mark says:
    il prove it
    ok il prove it

    This is my husband who im trying to divorce at the moment. He beat me for the last 3 years of our marriage... He broke my nose, bit me several times a week, strangled me puched me kicked me smashed my house, abused me in every way possible. Use to tell me i deserved to be raped because im fucked in the head (meaning my mental illness) also said i probably asked for it. Use to tell me i deserved to have a ill daughter with heart probs because im fucked in the head. He put me in hospital for 6 months last year. I pressed charges on him in the may as he put me in hossy. but then when i came out i was stupid enough to take him back... but his old ways were coming back through.... eventually i kicked him out properly in january this year. I have since had a harrassment act put on him... and again hes ringing my old number and then messaging me this online... no matter if i deleted him and block him hes finds a way back to get me... including hacking all my account online eg ebay/bank/email etc so theres no point blocking him allowing him to message stops him from destroying more things in my life.

    Right at this moment i feel crushed i feel i cant breath im sweating to a pulp my nose is running im crying my eyes out and im wide awake i just feel like dying right htis minute now just so i can get away from all the pain he and the men who raped me caused and away from my illness i cant handle this im sick of feeling like a fucking yoyo up and down every two minutes....

    I mean it this aint no bull shit thread of where i want all your sympathy and im crying out for help etc... i dont think ive ever opened up so much on a thread and typed so much this really is coming from my heart right now.

    I just feel this is it... really is... i have everyhting i need for it believe me when i say this i really want to die ....

    i just dont know what to say anymore....
  2. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    :eek:hmy: hun, im so sorry he has contacted you agian, but please dont harm yourself as you didnt deserve what happened to you in the past, everyhtin he used to say, he said as he was the abuser, adn he wanted contorl adn that is the way he got his control. Ali is a gem to you, adn she is lukcy to have a good mom like you hun, please dont harm yourself as she will never ever get over it and you dont want to do that to her :hug: can you save the converstation adn give it to the police, or ur solictior to prove that he wont leave you alone, as he deserves to get put in jail or something for the amount of times he keeps on messing you around and contacting you. Hun, please stay safe, adn you no where i am if you need to chat :hug: :wub:
  3. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    aww, rachel, take it easy. things will work out for you. just hold on and think of your gorgeous daughter, and the life the two of you have together. she needs her matter how messed up you think you are.
    take care and stay safe :hug:
  4. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    don't kill yourself over that piece of shit... that would be awful
  5. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    how can i possible not... how could i ever live a noraml life again? Im completely trashed by everything thats ever happened to me. Im also being bullied by my neighbours and there nephews... i seriously must have done something very bad in my past life to be treated like this in this one. Nothing will ever go right or be happy for me.


    I have no c hoice i cannot for 1 minute carry on living like this ... living this life being tortured all the time... the voices ARE RIGHT no matter what any of you say they muct be because everything they say is truth they tell me to kill myself as i will continue to be bullied and tortured if i stay and its true... as every week/month/year goes by more things happen to me... im being pushed more and more and i need to do something about it now and stop prolonging things.
  6. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    hun, you are moving house very soon, it will be a fresh start, dont do anything untill you have moved house, they will stop doing things then :hug:
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Rachel don't hurt yourself..he's not worth it...sounds like he's got major problems and he's trying to bring you down to his level....
    no one is worth dying over .....
    you have a little girl and she needs her mother....
    are the police able to help you with sorting your computer out so he can no longer access you?....this is stalking..
    don't give in to him you can make it without him..
    I am so pleased you've opened up to stay with us and let us help you...:hug:
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    nononononoo...things can get better when you move......
    you gotta hang on for your sake and your daughters....
    get the police on his case again..he has no right to do this....
    don't hurt yourself...
  9. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    rachel, hon, listen to me.
    stop for one second
    close your eyes
    and take a deep breath

    you have lived through, and put up with things in this life that no one should have to deal with. the fact that they are still going on, and you can't escape it makes it even worse. you didn't deserve to be treated the way you were, nor do you deserve the treatment you are getting now. i think we can all agree on that.

    the voices are NOT right. what they tell you, to kill yourself, yes, that would certainly end the bullying and the torture of living. but it won't give you any relief either. death is death, no more, no less. you will have left behind your wonderful daughter without a mother, and you will simply have given those bullies the satisfaction of knowing they won.

    you ARE stronger than that. i know this is hard, i know living hurts. but you deserve a shot at a life free of pain and harassment. and yes getting that chance is painful torture, but thats what you have us for. we are here for you to lean on in times like this one. to remind you of how much you are worth, how much you are loved, how much better this world is with you still in it.

    please hon, lean on us. let us help you get through this. move out of your house, don't give up hope just yet. don't hurt yourself, you are far too precious :hug:
  10. brokenandlonely

    brokenandlonely Well-Known Member

    Rachel, I'm here if you need someone to talk to or even vent to as you already know. You don't deserve the way he has treated you. There are a lot of positive things going on in your life as well, you have a beautiful daughter that loves you unconditionally, you are going to be moving into a new house which as Maddy said should be a fresh start on things, a whole new life in a new surrounding, you have a job that you enjoy working at, you have friends that love and care for you as well. I know that things are really rough right now for you but please lean to us the ones close to you to help you through this. :hug: :wub:
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

  12. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Rachel.. Please don't hurt yourself, please do not. We all love you so much
  13. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :hug: here if you need someone to talk to
  14. TheOncomingStorm

    TheOncomingStorm Well-Known Member

    Gah! I'm so sorry for getting this so late Rach, I wasn't feeling great so turned the laptop off early..You should've texted me, and i'd be back as quick as i could.
    Anyway Hun, you really dont deserve all the shit he brings you :hug:
    Please dont hurt yourself, if you need to talk, then i'm here for you through it all. Just hang in there hun, you are strong enough.
    The voices are not right, and i think deep down you too understand that, but at the moment i presume that your head is all over the place, which is understandable due to the shit your getting put through at the moment.

    Take care, and look after yourself :hug:
  15. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we love you very much
  16. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    thanks everyone...

    Im just so crushed inside my head is everywhere Lucy i don't know if im coming or going... i did sleep at all last night as i didnt knoe whether or not he'd done anything to himself... I still dont... I just dont know what to do.... What if he does? I will never forgive myself....

    I took my wedding vows...

    I Rachel, take you Mark, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

    Shouldnt I have been stronger and stood by him??? I dont know what to do FFS :( Im so confused and hurt... I really dont see anything in my life anymore I just feel like im a big dark empty hole...
  17. TheOncomingStorm

    TheOncomingStorm Well-Known Member

    Rachel, right now you dont know whether anything has happened to Mark. This could all just be another way of him fucking with your mind..It fits into the category of 'The Persuader'.
    I can understand that your head is all over the place, but i ask you to reach out to us and hang on.
    I know this is going to be hard to do, but resist calling the police..Calling them wont make things any easier hun :hug:
    Please take care Rachel, we're all here for you
  18. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    seriously cant take this....

    hes said so much to me yet again this is torture really is i jhust wanna die i really do i mean this from bottom of my heart... hes smoothering me big style i feel i cant breath...

    Hes been tracking any sites im member of tonight and then been looking at all my profile and then saying stuff to me bout things....

  19. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey all you need to think of is YOU and your DAUGHTER only okay that is all that is important right now. YOUr saftey your daughters saftey I doubt it if mark will hurt himself he is a coward okay he is using everything possible to control you Time to take back the control okay YOUr turn to take control If need be go to a shelter for a time being so he cannot contact you NO contact get it none no talking or on computer nothing right now. Take your daughter hug her keep her safe and you and her go to a shelter a relative and stay safe
    The hell with Mark sorry but that is how it has to be right now STAY strong for you and your daughter and know from now on things can only get better okay just hang on let the pain thru yes but hang on for you and your daughter and remember no more contact ok no more contact what so ever.
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I agree so much with violet....:hug:
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