crushed

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Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#1
35 minute walk to the train in the dark, no traffic, no people, very little sidewalk and the realization of how alone I am hit like a ton of bricks

Being crushed under the weight of it

The only friend I have lives so far away - feels like I will never get to actually meet them

Spent 6 hours doing laundry by myself - don't want to be in same room as my wife - she cooked for herself last night, I skipped dinner

No help, no one to see, to hear - no physical contact - handshake, hug - even my cats wouldn't sit with me

I don't want to be alone - think I deserve it, was meant to be this way

Hurts so much, the pain of it is paralyzing

God is keeping me away from people to protect them - i'll hurt fewer people when my strength finally runs out and I can't fight any more

So tired - time to rest forever is so close
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#4
sitting home - losing interest in everything - she's telling me to get back on meds

wtf - they've never worked in the past - she must have forgotten the hell of getting on and off the last one - a year with no results, only side effects

why don't people understand that nothing works
 

IV2010

Well-Known Member
#5
can see why that song would set you off echo (hug)
I wish i had an answer for you (and myself)
perhaps a newer med might be better for you?? or a different doctor?
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#8
i don't love me

can't stand the sight of my own face - that's why i haven't shaved in months, to try and hide it - doesn't work but i don't care enough to shave any more

trying to hold on to a few pathetic dreams but that's not working any more

i can't see a happy ending, or even a contented one

it's all illusion that is shredded bit by bit every day

i walk around the city, see all the cars, buildings - see all the people on the train, in the streets

i see all of this life going on around me - i'm not part of it, never will be

was almost run off the road yesterday because he started changing lanes without seeing me - avoided the collision, but i spent the rest of the night wondering if i should have

there's a staircase from track 20 in penn station that i have to climb every morning - it wasn't built well - every tread is the same height away from each other except for the first one, the one at the bottom - it's 2 inches taller so that it can reach the track

usually it's just an inconvenience, but lately it feels 3 feet tall and that first step is getting more and more difficult

why do i keep doing this? why do i keep putting myself through all this effort? so i can travel (now) close to three hours to get to a job that makes me ill? so i can sit in a train tunnel, not moving, for no explanation, can't use my phone at all, completely cutoff from the world

the world won't miss me - family might but not for long - i'm nothing more than a distraction

that realization feels like a knife through my stomach - anguish is almost constant lately

this is what my life comes down to - go to a job that is eating me alive or go home where i'm less than a second class citizen

why do i have to keep going? all i can do is cry in the dark
 
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