Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Jan 30, 2012.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    35 minute walk to the train in the dark, no traffic, no people, very little sidewalk and the realization of how alone I am hit like a ton of bricks

    Being crushed under the weight of it

    The only friend I have lives so far away - feels like I will never get to actually meet them

    Spent 6 hours doing laundry by myself - don't want to be in same room as my wife - she cooked for herself last night, I skipped dinner

    No help, no one to see, to hear - no physical contact - handshake, hug - even my cats wouldn't sit with me

    I don't want to be alone - think I deserve it, was meant to be this way

    Hurts so much, the pain of it is paralyzing

    God is keeping me away from people to protect them - i'll hurt fewer people when my strength finally runs out and I can't fight any more

    So tired - time to rest forever is so close
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hugs to you hun being tired is so hard to keep strong hun. I know i wish you could get support you need so you can rest some
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    the best thing about walking in the dark is that no one can see you cry

    the same cannot be said when sitting at your cubicle

    i'm all over the place right now - can't even tell why the tears keep coming - suddenly, no warning

    well, usually - heard this song this morning and it tore me up -
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 1, 2012
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    sitting home - losing interest in everything - she's telling me to get back on meds

    wtf - they've never worked in the past - she must have forgotten the hell of getting on and off the last one - a year with no results, only side effects

    why don't people understand that nothing works
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    can see why that song would set you off echo (hug)
    I wish i had an answer for you (and myself)
    perhaps a newer med might be better for you?? or a different doctor?
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Too many docs - too many meds

    So tired - each step to the station felt so heavy

    This needs to end
  7. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we love you here my friend
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i don't love me

    can't stand the sight of my own face - that's why i haven't shaved in months, to try and hide it - doesn't work but i don't care enough to shave any more

    trying to hold on to a few pathetic dreams but that's not working any more

    i can't see a happy ending, or even a contented one

    it's all illusion that is shredded bit by bit every day

    i walk around the city, see all the cars, buildings - see all the people on the train, in the streets

    i see all of this life going on around me - i'm not part of it, never will be

    was almost run off the road yesterday because he started changing lanes without seeing me - avoided the collision, but i spent the rest of the night wondering if i should have

    there's a staircase from track 20 in penn station that i have to climb every morning - it wasn't built well - every tread is the same height away from each other except for the first one, the one at the bottom - it's 2 inches taller so that it can reach the track

    usually it's just an inconvenience, but lately it feels 3 feet tall and that first step is getting more and more difficult

    why do i keep doing this? why do i keep putting myself through all this effort? so i can travel (now) close to three hours to get to a job that makes me ill? so i can sit in a train tunnel, not moving, for no explanation, can't use my phone at all, completely cutoff from the world

    the world won't miss me - family might but not for long - i'm nothing more than a distraction

    that realization feels like a knife through my stomach - anguish is almost constant lately

    this is what my life comes down to - go to a job that is eating me alive or go home where i'm less than a second class citizen

    why do i have to keep going? all i can do is cry in the dark
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