Cry Out in Silence

[True-Lee]

This is a never ending madness, I always wondered how people could exist Like this. Now I know! Oh, How i CRY OUT in my silence! this painful existence seems just go on and ON. I seem to keep reaching out but then pull away There are seemingly to me no rewards for existence, except perhaps more of the pain that never seems to stop I walked outside early this Evening ,The Sky in the west that so intense deep red-pink Sky, the like I have not seen for a long time. The sky almost made me cry, because it was so beautiful, but I couldn't say that, I don't use that word anymore, I use to wake in the morning and say what a beautiful day as I walked outside or I would stand and considered how the day was going to be I have not even thought that word, except to describe something that evoked that feeling in me prior to my unconscious effort to blot the word out of my vocabulary, I don't want to feel it anymore, I can't bear the thought that there are beautiful things, things that I can no longer see, feel or appreciate I want to feel numb, I cannot even do that, I turned around and went in the house, I turned my back on the sunset. How and Why do I go on, how do I keep perpetuating this existence, that day after day keeps me in pain, utter hopelessness, just to drag through another day! I again Cry Out In Silence I can't feel, hear or taste beauty anymore, least of all in myself.
I don't even take Pictures any more, I will never see a sky like that again in my life time, it is lost, gone never to return, never again to evoke that kind of feeling in me again Nothing is beautiful to me anymore I cry at the loss of that!

 

[autumnleaves]

hi, do you want to talk about it?

 

[Petal]

Hi true-lee! The sky can sometimes look very beautiful and we look at awe at it. I certainly hope it won't be your last time seeing the sky looking so beautiful. I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, 6 feet under screams and no one seems to hear a thing kind of thing. You need to speak up and see a professional and get their advice on how to move forward, psychology might be something you want to look into and getting some form of psychotherapy. Best of luck to you and please talk to someone clear and loud!!

 

[True-Lee]

hi, do you want to talk about it?

Thank You autumnleaves wow omg the thoughts and feelings those evoke, I can hear then crunching under my feet as I walked to school, the smells of those dried leaves,Jeez. The fun playing in them, yes even the smell of them burning. The memories! I have talked, at length, with different people. No, for me there seems to be no help, I have suffered depression long before I knew that I was suffering from it. I thank you again, with and for your nick first, and then your offer to talk. I have to surround my self with people like you to bring myself back to some semblance of reality, the "Real" world outside of here?? is so phony and Artificial, I have almost forgotten it exists, I don't "want" to be a part of it, I am but I don't want to be, I just want my part in it to end. I wish it could be easier, it is what it is, if that makes sense?

 

[True-Lee]

Petal, hi, I did try to respond yesterday, i was not ignoring you . Somehow I got directed elsewhere, then I forgot, I got involved with something or somewhere else. Interesting, that is the first time I can remember doing that lol not! but I imagine I will be doing it more, it happens with age you know! I do thank you for you advice, I spent years and thousands upon thousands of dollars, to bring me to where i am now, all for naught! I am 6 feet from the edge and I'm thinking. maybe 6 feet ain't so far down, I have talked to Someone clear and loud, I don't want to be locked away, when I reach the end of my time, I will know it. Thank You! Petal

 

[Petal]

No worries at all, take all the time you need to reply! You are most welcome. What do you mean by spending thousands upon thousands to bring you to where you are now? Do you mean in terms of life or in terms of seeking help and paying for that? I think you are a nice person and easy to talk to and hope you stick around here. You won't be locked away for saying you are suicidal, most people think that and I don't know why, cos here if I told my doctor I was suicidal, she would ask me to call the crisis team on the phone, give me something to calm me down or give me a letter for the hospital (that doesn't mean you will be committed against your will!) Best of luck to you!

 

[RoseThorned]

This is a never ending madness, I always wondered how people could exist Like this. Now I know! Oh, How i CRY OUT in my silence! this painful existence seems just go on and ON. I seem to keep reaching out but then pull away There are seemingly to me no rewards for existence, except perhaps more of the pain that never seems to stop I walked outside early this Evening ,The Sky in the west that so intense deep red-pink Sky, the like I have not seen for a long time. The sky almost made me cry, because it was so beautiful, but I couldn't say that, I don't use that word anymore, I use to wake in the morning and say what a beautiful day as I walked outside or I would stand and considered how the day was going to be I have not even thought that word, except to describe something that evoked that feeling in me prior to my unconscious effort to blot the word out of my vocabulary, I don't want to feel it anymore, I can't bear the thought that there are beautiful things, things that I can no longer see, feel or appreciate I want to feel numb, I cannot even do that, I turned around and went in the house, I turned my back on the sunset. How and Why do I go on, how do I keep perpetuating this existence, that day after day keeps me in pain, utter hopelessness, just to drag through another day! I again Cry Out In Silence I can't feel, hear or taste beauty anymore, least of all in myself.
I don't even take Pictures any more, I will never see a sky like that again in my life time, it is lost, gone never to return, never again to evoke that kind of feeling in me again Nothing is beautiful to me anymore I cry at the loss of that!

Hi True-Lee

I talked to you in chat last night and just came upon your post this morning. In reading these words, I now completely understand what you mean by not being able to experience beauty. I also have found myself feeling this disconnect. I turn away from the very things that used to stir my soul. It really is hard to put it into words, but you have done it perfectly here.

Your post really hit home for me. Reaching out only to pull away, feeling lost in this superficial world.

While my acute suicidal state has been brought on by circumstance, I have always felt an underlying current of sadness and despair within me.

I just want you to know that I hear your cries and I am here if you need to talk.

 

[True-Lee]

Rose, WOW, Thank You! It makes me feel humbled somewhat to have someone express themselves back to me like that,
I do appreciate it, I am shedding a few tears at the moment, more then a few actually, Thank You.
I too have always felt that sadness, the despair as well. I really felt what I was missing so deep, that I had to write it down, I had to share it there in writing and again to you in chat then when mentioned your birds, it made me think about my pets that I love and have loved so much it hurts, It hurts so much that I have lost 3 of them in 3 years as well as someone I loved so very very much that made me smile and made my life bearable at all, Without that Beauty and Love that i had and shared with my pets and My One True Love, I do not feel any reason to go on, I have suffered from depression for a very long time, really without knowing what my problem was, now it has a name and a permanent place inside of me! I have 2 cats left that I am responsible for, as long as they live i will.at least that is my intention, I have Callie a petite female Calico, I just lost her 18 year old kitten that bonded with me at her birth she had become ill and died a week later and I have Flicka an 8 year old Maine Coon Cat that I adopted from Save our Strays
it is an animal rescue service 6 years ago to help replace another coon cat I had lost after 16 years the I had treated for Diabetes for 14 years with 2 injections a day, I liked Budgies too my mother had one that talked for about 5 years I think when I was a child. So take care of your babies. They Are A gift that you are fortunate to have, they are so small but they can give so much back with their cheerfulness. They are like little bundles of energy an Cheerfulness Thank You again Rose I am glad that my cries an message resonated so well with you!

 

[Yan12]

Hi true Lee are you better now?
I don't really know what to tell you
Just take good care of yourself
Hugs

 

[Acy]

Hi, True-Lee (and all the others!). Wow. You've all said things I have felt myself - the sadness and the beauty at the same time and almost not wanting to acknowledge the beauty.

In reading this thread, even though blocking ourselves to beauty has been a theme, I've also noticed that people talked about beautiful sunsets, the autumn season and crunching leaves, and the pungent smell of burning leaves were evoked. The wondrousness of pets - cats and birds, specifically - were noted.

And people heard someone else's cry in the silence, and they cared enough to reach out and say something! You all put lots of hope in my heart for all of us.

 

[SillyOldBear]

I don't even try to look for beauty anymore. And you are so right. This world is phony and artificial. Filled with 'reality' TV shows, over paid celebrities, people hung up on the newest Iphone and Ipad. Money, money, money...tis all that seems to matter anymore. Having the latest and greatest of everything. There was this supposedly incredible lunar eclipse, on the night of a full moon a few weeks ago. I forgot to even look at it. I hardly ever look at the sunset. I have never had a love to share my life with, so I don't know what it is like to lose one. And am allergic to anything with fur or feathers.

True Lee, I like you. I wish I could take away your pain. But I can't. I can't take away anyone's pain. But I do hope for the best for you.

 

[RoseThorned]

Rose, WOW, Thank You! It makes me feel humbled somewhat to have someone express themselves back to me like that,
I do appreciate it, I am shedding a few tears at the moment, more then a few actually, Thank You.
I too have always felt that sadness, the despair as well. I really felt what I was missing so deep, that I had to write it down, I had to share it there in writing and again to you in chat then when mentioned your birds, it made me think about my pets that I love and have loved so much it hurts, It hurts so much that I have lost 3 of them in 3 years as well as someone I loved so very very much that made me smile and made my life bearable at all, Without that Beauty and Love that i had and shared with my pets and My One True Love, I do not feel any reason to go on, I have suffered from depression for a very long time, really without knowing what my problem was, now it has a name and a permanent place inside of me! I have 2 cats left that I am responsible for, as long as they live i will.at least that is my intention, I have Callie a petite female Calico, I just lost her 18 year old kitten that bonded with me at her birth she had become ill and died a week later and I have Flicka an 8 year old Maine Coon Cat that I adopted from Save our Strays
it is an animal rescue service 6 years ago to help replace another coon cat I had lost after 16 years the I had treated for Diabetes for 14 years with 2 injections a day, I liked Budgies too my mother had one that talked for about 5 years I think when I was a child. So take care of your babies. They Are A gift that you are fortunate to have, they are so small but they can give so much back with their cheerfulness. They are like little bundles of energy an Cheerfulness Thank You again Rose I am glad that my cries an message resonated so well with you!

True-Lee,

I am so sorry you have experienced so much loss. That is one of my biggest fears, losing those that I love. That is why I have so desperately tried to avoid getting attached to anyone. Yet, I am so attached to my sweet budgies, and I fear the day I will lose them, just as I fear ever losing my boyfriend. I feel that I must die to escape the pain of loss, along with the emptiness I feel inside.

You are so right about how budgies are so small yet give so much back. They give me a reason to go on for now, as your cats do for you. I had cats when I was a kid, one was a Maine Coon. I loved to cuddle with them. Animals really are so pure in their love.

I can feel the rawness of your tender heart as my tears flow with yours, True-Lee.

 

[True-Lee]

No worries at all, take all the time you need to reply! You are most welcome. What do you mean by spending thousands upon thousands to bring you to where you are now? Do you mean in terms of life or in terms of seeking help and paying for that? I think you are a nice person and easy to talk to and hope you stick around here. You won't be locked away for saying you are suicidal, most people think that and I don't know why, cos here if I told my doctor I was suicidal, she would ask me to call the crisis team on the phone, give me something to calm me down or give me a letter for the hospital (that doesn't mean you will be committed against your will!) Best of luck to you!

I spent a lot seeking help right up until I lost my job and months after then my insurance ceased, when it did I still owed more, I had to stop, I could not keep racking up debt. while in here last year, I think it was Nov one of my nieces was telling me that I was really not in depression, It was the Devil that was saying that, I hung up on her, within an hour the state police were here actually within 1/2 an hour I was on the phone with my bro. when a knock at the door came, in walked a State Trooper. I knew him and it still took me an hour to convince him I was OK,. I was online with this Forum I think that is what finally convinced him, he left, I have not talked with any member of my family since then, so I am aware, I have been hospitalized, I have attempted in the past so they are careful with me, is the way I believe I would describe their treatment of me now. I have received a letter from my mental heath provider telling me to not call them or ask for further treatment, they will no longer treat me, I got that around April or May.I had no intention of it but I thought it funny, I have no money so I get kicked to the curb! I do thank you for your kind words! I will and do wish you the best!

I have to see if this works to send you my response! It seems, even my puter has issues

 

[True-Lee]

No worries at all, take all the time you need to reply! You are most welcome. What do you mean by spending thousands upon thousands to bring you to where you are now? Do you mean in terms of life or in terms of seeking help and paying for that? I think you are a nice person and easy to talk to and hope you stick around here. You won't be locked away for saying you are suicidal, most people think that and I don't know why, cos here if I told my doctor I was suicidal, she would ask me to call the crisis team on the phone, give me something to calm me down or give me a letter for the hospital (that doesn't mean you will be committed against your will!) Best of luck to you!

I spent a lot seeking help right up until I lost my job and months after then my insurance ceased, when it did I still owed more, I had to stop, I could not keep racking up debt. while in here last year, I think it was Nov one of my nieces was telling me that I was really not in depression, It was the Devil that was saying that, I hung up on her, within an hour the state police were here actually within 1/2 an hour I was on the phone with my bro. when a knock at the door came, in walked a State Trooper. I knew him and it still took me an hour to convince him I was OK,. I was online with this Forum I think that is what finally convinced him, he left, I have not talked with any member of my family since then, so I am aware, I have been hospitalized, I have attempted in the past so they are careful with me, is the way I believe I would describe their treatment of me now. I have received a letter from my mental heath provider telling me to not call them or ask for further treatment, they will no longer treat me, I got that around April or May.I had no intention of it but I thought it funny, I have no money so I get kicked to the curb! I do thank you for your kind words! I will and do wish you the best!

I have to see if this works to send you my response! It seems, even my puter has issues

Hi, True-Lee (and all the others!). Wow. You've all said things I have felt myself - the sadness and the beauty at the same time and almost not wanting to acknowledge the beauty.

In reading this thread, even though blocking ourselves to beauty has been a theme, I've also noticed that people talked about beautiful sunsets, the autumn season and crunching leaves, and the pungent smell of burning leaves were evoked. The wondrousness of pets - cats and birds, specifically - were noted.

And people heard someone else's cry in the silence, and they cared enough to reach out and say something! You all put lots of hope in my heart for all of us.

I know, Thanks Acy, I was really surprised at the attention my writing got, I have always loved all of those things ( I really am Crying now!) that they and I wrote about. I was surprised at the feelings the talk of those things stirred in me too. For me now I only have two cats, I had 5. One is 18 the other is 8 They are to me now, my only reason, Callie the oldest is sleeping at my feet, Flicka the younger Is on the top of a cabinet watching me type, I just let her in,
I know that you were not just writing to me, what you said was true though, The wonderfulness of all those things, and the peoples responses gives me hope for life as well as all those in here.

 

[True-Lee]

I don't even try to look for beauty anymore. And you are so right. This world is phony and artificial. Filled with 'reality' TV shows, over paid celebrities, people hung up on the newest Iphone and Ipad. Money, money, money...tis all that seems to matter anymore. Having the latest and greatest of everything. There was this supposedly incredible lunar eclipse, on the night of a full moon a few weeks ago. I forgot to even look at it. I hardly ever look at the sunset. I have never had a love to share my life with, so I don't know what it is like to lose one. And am allergic to anything with fur or feathers.

True Lee, I like you. I wish I could take away your pain. But I can't. I can't take away anyone's pain. But I do hope for the best for you.

NotSoSillyOldBear, Hi! I, like you, Wish I could take away pain, not my own, for people like you! You do see the beauty,
you see it in others, I have read so many of your Postings, you see those things in people that they don't see themselves,
I feel that the world shows a lot of artificial stuff, but not all of it is, it is put out there for others that would so like to share that trash they promote, so many today spend their lives chasing that rainbow, they don't take the time to look around themselves to see all that it is right there in front of them, stop some time and pick up a leaf that has fallen during the season change, this spring, I was out walking one day I looked down an saw a tiny little egg shell laying in front of me it had been hatched, it was a Humming Birds egg shell, they are tiny, the little wonders that hatch out of them, that is real beauty. I have some feeders out every year, that little humm and buzz when you see 2 of them in a little dispute chasing an buzzing each other is a real treat to watch, as well as their mating rituals swooping up an down back an forth, It does not cost much at all to see these real wonderful and beautiful things, btw I think that Humming Birds feathers are Hypoallergenic, just kidding but I think next spring you could mount one outside. there you might find a little love, for those tiny creatures. much more fun then those Drones! It is good to see an talk with you again! as well as reading your writings! I do hope you have found some relief !

 

[True-Lee]

Hi true Lee are you better now?
I don't really know what to tell you
Just take good care of yourself
Hugs

Thank You Yan, I know how hard it is sometimes to know what to say or how to say it, it does mean a lot that you took the time to say what you did, Some times it's enough to know that others are thinking about ones self. to know that with all that is going on in the world someone takes time to tell you that You are thought of! Hugs Back!

 

[True-Lee]

Hi true Lee are you better now?
I don't really know what to tell you
Just take good care of yourself
Hugs

Thank You Yan, I know how hard it is sometimes to know what to say or how to say it, it does mean a lot that you took the time to say what you did, Some times it's enough to know that others are thinking about ones self. to know that with all that is going on in the world someone takes time to tell you that You are thought of! Hugs Back!

True-Lee,

I am so sorry you have experienced so much loss. That is one of my biggest fears, losing those that I love. That is why I have so desperately tried to avoid getting attached to anyone. Yet, I am so attached to my sweet budgies, and I fear the day I will lose them, just as I fear ever losing my boyfriend. I feel that I must die to escape the pain of loss, along with the emptiness I feel inside.

You are so right about how budgies are so small yet give so much back. They give me a reason to go on for now, as your cats do for you. I had cats when I was a kid, one was a Maine Coon. I loved to cuddle with them. Animals really are so pure in their love.

I can feel the rawness of your tender heart as my tears flow with yours, True-Lee.

Rose, I do appreciate your words, they do mean a lot, Yes loss is one thing that I do constantly fear, I have another fear even worse but I will not and cannot talk about it, Loss of any kind is rough, but as you said above, it is losing those you Love, with the loss though, it is the feeling of being left behind alone to carry on that is just as hard, but I would take that chance all over again, to spend even a few moments with My Love! Even knowing that I would lose her again, I would welcome her back, I would not put her through what she went through again though, to do it for just a little more time to be with her! I would do the same for my cats as well I would only be willing to go through it if they could not suffer again! that too is another point you made, they are so pure in the love, the love they return to us everyday, I guess they do it without thinking about it, they don't have to they are just being themselves. Rose, if I would say just one thing to you, if you think, then Feel an Finally know that you have love, Don't push it away, it may only happen once, like it did for me, Be Gentle on Yourself, you are worth knowing! If you are worth knowing, You are worth Loving and being Loved in return

 

[SillyOldBear]

NotSoSillyOldBear, Hi! I, like you, Wish I could take away pain, not my own, for people like you! You do see the beauty,
you see it in others, I have read so many of your Postings, you see those things in people that they don't see themselves,
I feel that the world shows a lot of artificial stuff, but not all of it is, it is put out there for others that would so like to share that trash they promote, so many today spend their lives chasing that rainbow, they don't take the time to look around themselves to see all that it is right there in front of them, stop some time and pick up a leaf that has fallen during the season change, this spring, I was out walking one day I looked down an saw a tiny little egg shell laying in front of me it had been hatched, it was a Humming Birds egg shell, they are tiny, the little wonders that hatch out of them, that is real beauty. I have some feeders out every year, that little humm and buzz when you see 2 of them in a little dispute chasing an buzzing each other is a real treat to watch, as well as their mating rituals swooping up an down back an forth, It does not cost much at all to see these real wonderful and beautiful things, btw I think that Humming Birds feathers are Hypoallergenic, just kidding but I think next spring you could mount one outside. there you might find a little love, for those tiny creatures. much more fun then those Drones! It is good to see an talk with you again! as well as reading your writings! I do hope you have found some relief !

Thank you True-Lee, for your comment about my seeing things in others that they seem unable to see.

Yes, humming birds are incredible. I saw a few last spring. I bought a feeder but they did not seem interested. So I bought a regular bird feeder, to put seed out. The birds loved it. But the rats came by to clean up their mess. I had to take it down. But I guess they get hungry too! I recently found a TV station that I did not know I received. NatGeo Wild. Its about the wildlife in this world. Some is most spectacular. But the wild creatures live in a very brutal world. You better remain alert; or you become dinner.