cry out to the world

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by beampje, Jul 31, 2010.

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  1. beampje

    beampje Member

    I don't know how suicidal I am. What I do know is that I don't want to live. The big question is whether or not I'm capable of taking action in the matter. In the past I've always ended up making compromises with myself: don't cut your wrists, simply give it go elsewhere on your arm to see what it feels like, to determine if you can do it or not, to know how much pressure there's got to be, simply to see if the knife isn't too blunt. See if you can do it, using a paper bag over your head and withdraw at the last moment. Put the decision to faith, crossing the road without looking. Simply keep your options open. Sometimes the idea is so intense that it makes me cry. Shortly after that, it all seems so absurd it's hilarious.

    I don't really know how it came to be like this. I'm a 23-year old girl, graduated magna cum laude from university last year, having ended up 3rd in the interuniversity writing-competition and so on. My life, up until a year ago, when this madness reached its peak, went quite good for me. Yet somehow, my successes are what threw me into this pit of darkness, this little corner of hell, most of all. They built up all these expectations, a whole myth around my person which I knew I couldn't live up to. I felt like I failed bitterly at everything I did, especially the social situations. People expected me to be interesting, talkative, opinionated etc. I felt like none of those.

    All this to indicate that it wasn't merely the end of my studies that left me here. It had started earlier than that, way earlier. Yet graduation really set this depression, or whatever it is, off. I realised that after years of masterly deceit, of having fooled people into thinking I was intelligent, creative, inventive etc. I was about to be exposed as the fraud I was. You see, while studying, there are coping-mechanisms, attitudes that can be attained to make you successful at university whithout actually being successful. In the real world, surely those were not going to work.

    At the same time, something else was happening. I felt that I was losing my sanity, if it ever had been there. I knew that my thought-patterns were at the very least unusual. I didn't know how much longer I could keep up this face of normality. The gap between me and the rest of the world seemed to grow wider and wider. I reached the conclusion that suicide was the only sensible thing left for me to do, yet I felt that I owned it to myself to first explore all options. There was a major one left: going to find psychological assistance. I didn't really think psychologists could help me, but if they could, for instance by taking a pill a day, how very ironic my suicide wouldn't have been? I've been in therapy for over a year now, and yesterday quit going to my psychologist.

    They discovered that I had an autistic way of thinking, that I suffered from what is called aspergers syndrome. So I had been right, something was unusual about my way of thinking. There was a reason why communication failed again and again. Yet, what is in a name? For a year now, I've been believing that I could be helped. I've meekly been going to private counseling, taken different kinds of drugs (ranging from anti-depressants to anti-psychotics). And then decided that a life without feeling and desires was hardly worth living more than life with the severe ups and downs I had been living previously. Two weeks ago I stopped taking the drugs. They did not work for me. The highs, after all, were what had brought me this far in life, I cannot do without.

    So here I am, left at the same point I was a year ago, after therapy and after drugs. I think of dying all the time, though the people around me don't know it, and if I tell them about it, they either don't believe it or take on this attitude of superiority looking down on me like I am the lowest of low things walking this earth. I keep going over suicide techniques in my head, unable to decide which one fits me best. I do not get my farewell-notes written properly. I cannot believe I am thinking what I am thinking and am afraid of the feeling of absurdity which, contradictory enough, makes this all so very realistic. I want to die, but I am afraid of the dying-part of it. I'm confused, and above all, so very alone.
  2. dark&lone

    dark&lone Well-Known Member

    you are welcome here, and you are not looked down here either. I personally no what it feels like about being in that head space, shall i sharnt i? , questioning and testing fate kinda thing.
    Im glad you've came here. Welcome. Here you are you, no one else, nor are there expectations of you other than to be yourself and let it ALL out x

    Keep Faith

  3. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    There is a part of you that does not want to die, there is a part of you that is not interested in death whatsoever and is instead striving, alone, in the opposite direction. That dissenter is what's causing the confusion, the strange gray that you're walking in right now. But just because you cannot see the others all around you, walking in the grey with you, does not mean that they are not there. You are not alone in this struggle, and this is not the end for you.

    May I ask who you have for support? Family members? Friends? (This is only my personal opinion, but those who look down on you for expressing your suicidal thoughts do not seem to be very good friends at all, how dare they shun you at a time like this)

    What have you failed at? What makes you a failure? You did a great job of summarizing your issues thus far, masking them in such a light that they seem like impenetrable facts. You state that you are a failure, then present arguments that to the lazy reader would be reason enough to believe you are, in fact, a failure. I do not believe you though, your arguments are not watertight. You seem to have covered every side, every facet of your problem right now, comfortable in the logic you've laid out before you, but I ask of you: in what have you failed? What is your failure?

    What have you done, or are feeling, that is so damaging that suicide is the only answer for you? I am not discounting that you are feeling this way, or that the emotions aren't real, but why are they there? I can't see it clearly in your original post, it feels like something is missing. I want to help as much as I can, so please, help me to understand what you're going through.
  4. beampje

    beampje Member

    Thanks for responding.

    What I fail against is my own image of myself. I know that. It is the image about ourselves that we attribute to others, yet create within our own head in order to find self-verification. Typing this very post I even feel like a failure, being unable to rationally describe why. Let me try it differently. Inside me there are two voices, two versions of myself, between which my exterior, material, acting self is torn. I don’t mean voices in the psychotic sense, I know they are ‘me’. Psychologists would just call this the ego and the super-ego, I suppose, or conscience or something like that. Personally I experience them as somehow the child within myself, which contains my identity, my wishes, myself and then some sort of onlooking, educating, guiding instance. That guiding instance tends to verbally abuse the other part of me, whenever I fail to execute its wishes properly. I’m not doing a very good job explaining this, and it doesn’t feel like much, but it’s like constant bullying and I do not have controll over that guiding voice within myself. In the eyes of that instance within myself I fail all the time, doing everything I do.

    The reason why something seems to be missing, probably is that I describe this like an outsider. I’m not feeling particularly low, right now, but very detached. I can see myself doing things and not experience them as doing them myself, which scares me even more than the dramatic lows I sometimes get drawn into.

    Does this make any sense?
  5. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    You are very systematic in your thinking, how about you think about the unexplainable? One part of you is urging to be what people expect you to be, follow the social norms. And the other part wants you to be who you really are.

    How about stop searching for answers in your flawed human body and search for them in hope, god, soul, nature.
    You ever had a house animal?
  6. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    You make sense, I have those two sides to me as well, except that it seems like the younger, 'teenager' part (I am a teenager, but due to life's little gifts, I've had to push that side of me away) is always scratching at the surface, pushing me to be impulsive, irrational. It sounds like your other voice is stronger, the berating one. Have you been emotionally abused in the past? From a parent, or sibling perhaps? It sounds like you may have integrated someone's unfair judgments of you in an attempt to please them, and it grew a life of its own. Tell me if this is correct, or if I'm completely off my rocker!

    Yeah, the detatchment is frightening. I've found that time is the only panacea for that, time and distraction to keep from cutting or scratching myself to connect with reality again. Do you have anyone close to you to talk to, or fall back on?

  7. beampje

    beampje Member

    What is being emotionally abused, and how do we know if it is happening to us? I feel much inclined to say yes, my mother is quite unpredictal and explosive and one of the reasons I really should move away from home as quickly as possible. "They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do", isn't it? I've also got a history of being picked on during secondary school, to the extend where I ended up having to find back my hotel somewhere in Greece without even knowing its name or speaking Greek, at three in the morning. That was the highlight of my final year there, after which I decided I didn't want anything to do with anything even closely related to secondary school. That led to a lot of shame, which is a powerful emotion. Perhaps I have internalised these criticising voices of my mother and the secondary school people. Probably so. That's quite their victory, wouldn't you say? Even now, after having finished university, they still completely controll my mind. But - as Stephen Fry puts it - feeling sorry for yourself is doing yourself a huge disservice. So, what can one do about something like this? The past is the past and can by definition not be altered. And what are we but the sum of our pasts? I cannot find a way to quiet that voice or make it friendlier. It colours my every perception, turning everything into a negative experience.

    I think there is only one person I can really talk to about all this, he used to be my professor, and he's been "there and back again". Yet I haven't heard from him in quite a while now. Apart from that I've got some friends who know that I'm struggling, but we have reached this silent agreement, where I pretend that everything is fine and they pretend to believe it. I've got a friend who sees this whole thing from an artistic perspective and loves this half-coherent otherworld that sometimes comes to the front. Of late, who used to be my best friend made it clear in several ways that he moved on, where I got stuck. The friend I see most of all lives in a beautiful world of her own, which I simply cannot crush with the darkness inside me. It is so difficult to talk about this to people who can only follow what you're saying on an intellectual level, who haven't really been there themselves. Not that I wish them to! But I can't explain myself outside the clichés which obviously have lost all meaning, and they simply don't hear me. It is as if I'm out of their reach and even with all the best intentions, they cannot support me where I stand. Apart from that, I do not really find the courage to go out at all these days.
  8. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Beampje, first all I want to let you know that from what I have read on your writings, I think you are very gifted. Part of being gifted is that you are going to feel alone, amd sometimes in a class by yourself. Being alone is the downside. Many gifted people are very sensitive. That is part of the very "above intelligent package". You can't have one without the other. That mean the critical voices of parents orr grownups in your past tend to leave a very strong recording in your mind. It sounds like your own voice, but it's not, and you take these voices with you, even when you are alone and are asleep. It criticizes, makes you feel guilty, never enough, and drives you to perfectionism.

    You have to talk back to these voices, and tell them internally that you are an adult now, and they can't control you anymore. Assert yourself and your true self over their berating presence. See the goodness in yourself, and your gifts, and your accomplishments over the years, and your great feat fitting into this complicated world, where everybody is suppose to act like "everyone else". That takes juggling and skill and genius to survive keep yourself intact and also fit in this world. Congratulate yourself that you have done it well so far. And if you have handled it so far, you can do it another day, and another day and so forth.

    No one, I don't think, can see their life objectively, so we really can't know how well we are doing, from what I see you are doing well and holding it together in spite of the challenges.

    Suicide, therefore, is you telling yourself a lie: That you failed life.
    Actually, you have gone beyond what many people have accomplished, but you are a harsh critic to yourself. Stop criticizing yourself, and challenge the inner critic that is leading you down this road of depression.

    ThinkingCap is right in what he is telling you. I think he sees what you are going through.

    I don't know why it seems like the best people are the ones who criticize themselves the most.:hugtackles:
  9. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Emotional abuse, sadly enough, is the most looked over form of abuse because it is so difficult to prove, define, and protect those who suffer from it. This is a good site to look through for examples of emotional abuse, if you can find the time to read through it. The main difficulty with being a victim of emotional abuse is that a part of the abuse involves either convincing you that it's a normal action, or that you deserve it some way. When this is reinforced over years, you are essentially brainwashed into believing it's all okay, making it hard to understand why you're feeling depressed or suicidal. Now, I'm going to speak from personal experience so as to give you an example, a possibility, rather than labeling you as an emotional abuse victim in the chance that you are not.

    My mother was/is the main abuser in our family. She frequently takes our opinions, or wants, and humiliates them either through verbal comments, or nonverbal 'shrugging off' of our ideas as anything worthwhile. She would also manipulate our emotions for no reason other than to do it, by saying certain things, accusing us of have thoughts or motivations that we didn't have then not believing us when we say so. A lot of the abuse was just a series of mind-games, really, but all done in the name of love. She pretty much did anything that wouldn't get her arrested because no one could prove that she did it after it was done. It was a general environment of paranoia and fear, that until my junior year of high school I thought was normal.

    Now that I'm out of the house, I don't have to deal with as many of her shenanigans (I still have to talk with her, though that will change in around five years I'm guessing) but that doesn't mean that she's gone. Her influence is still here. When I do the dishes, for example, I do them as if she's standing right over my shoulder, ready to pounce if I do something wrong. I hear her in my head when I'm getting ready to go out somewhere, saying that I look ugly, like trash, but the tricky thing is that is sounds like I'm saying that to myself, but they're her words. So if I'm not careful, I start chastising myself for being so degrading without remembering that those negative thoughts had a source outside of myself-- that it's not really me saying those things, it's her in my head.

    It is difficult sometimes when to say that you are being emotionally abused or not, maybe because of denial or conflict-avoidant tendencies (you don't want to rock the boat by being 'too selfish' for example) or the nagging sensation that you're making it all up. Look, if it hurts you, if you can look at quite a few memories that were painful because of someone outside of yourself, then it's most likely abuse. You're the only one who can really say whether or not you've been abused, but from what you're explaining, I think it's important for you to research it. Just because you don't have any bruises or broken bones doesn't mean you haven't been abused.

    Have you considered contacting your professor rather than waiting for him to contact you? You're going through a difficult time, and it wouldn't hurt to try, and if you're thinking that that would be too much of a hassle for him, stop. You are thinking about killing yourself, you are not some attention-wh*re looking to take up space in his life with mindless chatter-- you need help, and if he can offer it, then talk to him! When death is in the picture, the frame changes shape drastically.

    I'm sorry, I have more to say but am not feeling too hot at the moment. Figured I should post what I have rather than not at all. I'm personally surprised that your therapist didn't say anything about emotional abuse to be honest, but still, it's your call. The people you surround yourself with can affect you in very strange ways. From your descriptions of your friends, I think you need to find some different ones. Now, I don't know your friends, but from the lack of caring and empathy there, it just doesn't feel right to me. Trust me, I understand what it's like to only be able to talk about these things on an intellectual level for the most part, feeling more like an interesting specimen than a person. It amazes me that some people can live with almost nothing wrong going on in their lives. But just look around a bit more, involve yourself with a different group of people, maybe some people that scare you a bit (but not criminals or anything!) because so far, 'comfortable' doesn't seem to be working out so well.

    The only thing I can say to do about the voices is to recognize them for what they are, and stop them from becoming a vague cloud that surrounds you. The more you identify who's speaking in your head, the more you can eliminate them from your mind leaving only your thoughts. This isn't easy, but a lot of it is identification and then allowing time for you to define your world for yourself. Begin to replace those automatic responses with what you believe. Essentially I'm asking you to find yourself, to go soul searching. It's not easy, it's not something you get right every time, but it's also something that you can never fail-- unless you kill yourself.

    Your soul (or sense of self, or personality) is always with you, always has been, it's your essence. Sometimes it gets obscured with what other people think of you, want you to be. They project their wants for themselves onto you, and then you integrate those wants into yourself. Reject their projections! Find your definition and stick to it. Do research, but not with self-help books. Keep an observant eye on the processes in your life and what you feel about them. Don't just watch a movie, think about the movie and how you feel about it, what you did and didn't like. Sooner or later these little facts about yourself begin to form a pattern that makes up the themes around your life. These themes, or repeating patterns, point to who you are. This does take time, but in the end (I'm not there yet, so I'm hoping) when you look in the mirror, you can know that you are you, not some manifestation of someone's discarded needs.

    By jeebus I hope that made sense. Always feel free to pm me if you'd like, I'll respond the best I can!

    --Thinking Cap
  10. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im praying for you. You seem like such a worthwhile and interesting person. I think you should try group therapy or 12 step groups. Whay about hypnosis,emdr,tapping and other therapies. Those ive mentioned really do work. Please stay here and write it all out.get ot out of you and we will help you heal. Love and hope to you....
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