Today, I feel like crying. I've been feeling perfectly fine, lately. I'm happy. But I can feel that dark feeling crawling back after such a blissful absence. Definitely not as strong as it has been previously... But, seriously, it's such a hassle to deal with it's random returns. (Slight euphemism). It annoys me. I can feel it coming before it arrives in full force and it feels horrible. That loss of control, powerless and overwhelming. Having to wait it out.
This crying feeling I've got has kind of just made me think back to other times I've cried. And I've had some horrible cries.
1. I have cried my way through two airports and an entire flight. In total that's just over 3 hours of crying. Most of the time, I was sitting next to this extremely uncomfortable middle aged man who sat like a statue the entire time.
2. I've cried during/after getting a fine for not wearing my seatbelt. (I was feeling delicate this day)
3. I cried for about 20 minutes in one of my lecturer's office. (I was so overtired and I didn't know how to ask for an extension)
Those are just the ones that sound distinctive. I remember how I felt and it was terrible. The worst cries were the private ones, though. The time I spent two days crying myself to sleep over and over again in my bedroom, pretending that I had gotten something contagious so my flatmate wouldn't question me too much. Or that time I wrote a suicide letter for my dad and I had to keep stopping because I couldn't see through my tears and couldn't write through my shaking. Or all those times I lay still in bed, warm under the covers facing the wall with slow silent tears slipping down my face. No major emotional torment behind my crying. Just a fathomless hopelessness, a hole that I couldn't ever imagine being filled.
I don't know if it'd help. It might not. But I want to hear about it anyway. I'd like to start a conversation about it. Anyone want to share any of their cry stories/feelings?
This crying feeling I've got has kind of just made me think back to other times I've cried. And I've had some horrible cries.
1. I have cried my way through two airports and an entire flight. In total that's just over 3 hours of crying. Most of the time, I was sitting next to this extremely uncomfortable middle aged man who sat like a statue the entire time.
2. I've cried during/after getting a fine for not wearing my seatbelt. (I was feeling delicate this day)
3. I cried for about 20 minutes in one of my lecturer's office. (I was so overtired and I didn't know how to ask for an extension)
Those are just the ones that sound distinctive. I remember how I felt and it was terrible. The worst cries were the private ones, though. The time I spent two days crying myself to sleep over and over again in my bedroom, pretending that I had gotten something contagious so my flatmate wouldn't question me too much. Or that time I wrote a suicide letter for my dad and I had to keep stopping because I couldn't see through my tears and couldn't write through my shaking. Or all those times I lay still in bed, warm under the covers facing the wall with slow silent tears slipping down my face. No major emotional torment behind my crying. Just a fathomless hopelessness, a hole that I couldn't ever imagine being filled.
I don't know if it'd help. It might not. But I want to hear about it anyway. I'd like to start a conversation about it. Anyone want to share any of their cry stories/feelings?
