:cry: *triggers*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~Nobody~, Jun 5, 2007.

  1. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    My immediate idea was to post in the Crisis forum, but I need to be strong for others who might look there and I fully intend to be.

    Those of you who are also on the edge, who are reading this, please don't think that I can't handle talking to you. I want to help you. I'm so sorry, this crisis thing has come at such a fucking awful time. I know that. You all mean far more to me than I do. Please, please hang on. I am, hanging on, for now, and I know you can too. Sammie especially, I think you're fucking fantastic! Don't you dare go leaving me now before I even know you fully! :hug: I hope we can both get through this together.

    I am having a Crisis. Yes, again. I know I'm completely bloody pathetic. But it's been a little while anyway, I've been feeling better lately. Not suicidal at least.

    I keep going over and over the stuff m my counsellor told me yesterday. I can't get it out of my head. It means I am thoroughly (actively) depressed and suicidal again. I cannot concentrate to revise so I am going to fuck all that up AGAIN. Fucking straight-A student. I'm fucked. I know I am fucked.

    But before I was still looking forward to the festival this weekend. Looking forward to the summer. I can't look forward now. Everything hurts too much. :cry:

    This morning my boyfriend tried to persuade me to get him off. He was quite pushy, as anyone would be, as everyone is. I didn't. But I felt rotten about the whole situation. This is not the first time, but at least this time he eventually took No for an answer. This evening I got upset with him about it and he compared it to the most trivial shit. He said the times when I've given in (i.e. said Okay/Yes) in the past it has been my decision. He knows what my therapist said yesterday about the situation with S____ and yet he still said this just now. :cry:

    It's all my fault. The whole situation with that sociopathic **** was my fault. I "made my own decisions". Whatever. Oh God :cry: :cry:

    :blub: I am in such a state. I cut my legs up again. Even though on Thursday I am supposed to be sharing a tent with a friend who doesn't know I self harm. I only had healing/healed wounds and a bunch of scars until just now, I was hoping to pass it all off as something I did in the past.

    My mum was no help earlier. I reached out and asked her for help and she threw it back in my face. What do I have anymore???
  2. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Shit, I'm so sorry I'm not of any help right now :cry: :hug:
  3. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Sammie, I hoped I made it clear, you're not expected to be sweetheart. We can both work through this shit. We need to be strong. Life doesn't feel like living, not at all :cry:, but we both deserve better than this. You certainly do. Don't you dare feel guilty. You keep talking to me. I'm so sorry I had to be like this tonight, I;m so sorry....
  4. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    At least you have a perfectly good and understandable reason for feeling like this (I for one would like to kick your boyfriend's arse and remind him what he's dealing with).

    I, on the other hand, am just being pathetic.
  5. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    No you are not! :hug: :hug:

    Thank you for the comment about kicking my boyfriend's arse. It nearly made me smile x x x

    A friend just offered to take me out for a jazz and I am not turning him down, I fucking need it and lately it has helped me very much. I'm fucked in terms of revision either way. Sammie you can get me by phone, I can always text you, okay? I'll only be gone for about an hour :cheekkiss

    By the way, any replies I have when I get back will be very much appreciated guys. Even if it's not even any words. Thank you all, I trust you. x x x
  6. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Look after her (~Nobody~) for me, please.
  7. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Nobody...i hate calling you that because you are somebody

    You don't always need to feel you have to be strong for everyone. You are entitled to feel sad and upset and in need of help. Please know that and know that people are here to help you as well as you wanting to help others

    Your crisis is not at an awful time hun, things happen...like i said you are allowed to get help, it's not always about helping people here. You mean alot to people here too as I've seen in Sammie's postings she cares a deal about you...know again that I am here to talk and if you have msn i will be willing to talk to you there as well.

    I am so sorry hun that things have become so overwhelming for you. You can still look forward to the summer...venting your feelings is at least a start and talking to people can progress that more. I hope that the paina nd the hurt subsides and you can still have a wonderful summer as you deserve it..being a straight A student..i could never fathom that from me..that is awesome hun.

    As for your boyfriend can I slap him silly for being so insensitive. If he loved you sweetie he would understand and take no for an answer. AND he would be supportive and understanding of your decision. Life and love is not about only him getting off it should be about supporting each other in weak moments and if he's not willing to sacrifice his pleasure to help you during your sadness than you deserve better even if you do love him, I'm sorry.

    I don't know what happened with this girl but I hope that you know whatever happened it always takes two it's not just your fault regardless fo waht did happen. As for cutting your legs I'ms orry you felt you had to relieve your pain etc by doing so. I hope that you did wash them out and you made sure they were cleaned and bandaged. Please know you have people here who care about you and wish to help you...if you need to talk don't hesitate to find m e

  8. no point

    no point Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you're hurting so much right now. I don't even know if that counselor is allowed to do what she's doing to you. :mad: I wish you could go to another counselor. Don't ever think it's your fault. :hug:
  9. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    :hug: I'm glad you stood up to your boyfriend this morning and said no, I wish he took it better though. I can understand he's your boyfriend but you are your own person and if you don't want to do anything then he, and anyone else, should accept it. As stated in the other thread and in PM, your counselor was totally out of order yesterday, I can understand how upset you must feel, just thinking about the comment she made yesterday makes me so angry. Don't believe it though hun. It's NOT your fault, okay? NOT. I still can't believe your counselor would say that, it's shocking. You were taken advantage of and you didn't want it to happen so it wasn't your fault. And you're not pathetic, not at all. Here for you anytime. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 5, 2007
  10. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thank you all so much guys :grouphug: It means such a lot to me that people care. You are all fantastic and although I don't know what will happen to me in the long term I can honestly say that without the likes of you on SF I would be dead by now.

    Thank you :smile: I've been surprised by the number of people on here who have said that (or called me Noddy instead, terry, caz, and a few others I am looking at you). It's so lovely. It's such a silly little thing really, but it's nothing I expected and it always makes me sort of smile a bit inside.

    I wish I could still look forward to the summer... I don't feel it yet, even with the jazz, though I am now feeling quite a bit calmer than before I went out. Thank you for wishing me such nice things, it's very kind and sweet.

    The straight A thing... I used to be. Then my mum's ex moved in and I went to more of a straight B person, and then I got all depressed and PTDS-y and now I am pretty much a straight failure. It wouldn't matter a bit but everyone still expects all As from me. People keep talking about my potential. It doesn't help that my boyfriend's mum is one of my teachers :rolleyes:. Thank you for saying it's awesome, but as I said it just isn't me any more.

    I know all that stuff about loving me... or at least I thought I did. He says he loves me and sometimes I really believe him. Other times he can be such an insensitive arse and I just can't stand to be around him. This whole thing is hard for him too, I know that. If I were him I;d have chucked me by now - I'm a heavy load, even (perhaps especially) when I try to carry it myself. I sound like I'm making excuses for him, and maybe I am, don't ask me why. I often wish I weren't with him or anyone, but that doesn't necessarily have much bearing on him, as such.

    What happened was my mum's ex sexually abused me. Legally speaking he raped me. But according to my counsellor he "seduced" me, and he had no power over me. Apparently the decisions I made were my own. I don't know what to think any more :cry:.

    They are clean and dressed, I'm careful with that. I'm so frustrated now with myself for ruining my explanation for my friend on Thursday. I dread people finding out, the stigma is so huge that I can't even trust most of my friends.

    It does mean such a lot to me that there are people here that care about me. I'm so grateful. You're all amazing.

    Thank you Kells :hug:

    Thank you muchly for your kind words. It makes me hope that she is actually wrong :hug:

    Thank you for the reply. I don't really know what to think about my boyfriend lately. Thank you too for saying the counsellor is wrong in what she says. It just feels like she should know, what with being the professional. And if she can't believe me or understand what I went through, what I felt, what I'm feeling now, then what chance do I have of getting better? :hug:

    Sammie, you can damn well look after me yourself! Don't you go shirking the responsibility :tongue:. You are not going anywhere darling, I need you and we all need each other. I am here for you, please don't forget that. Hang on in there girl :hug: x x x

    PS. I had to take the smilies out of all your quotes to make room for my own, sorry.
  11. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    I needed to make sure. I didn't know what state I'd be in after going offline last night, so I just needed to make sure :hug: