I cry whenever someone dies in shows. Recently I stopped crying when I think of my own death. Am I ready now, I ask myself!? It's like stuck in an endless cycle of pain and nothing else. There's the pain, and when I wait out the pain, there's nothing and then there's pain all again. What happened to the small glimpse of joy? I stopped smiling thesedays. It's getting harder. I know what I'm doing or about to do. I just can't get over it. I just want one more day but even that seems so extravagant.