I...'ve had it. I never do anything right, never say anything right, I only see myself as a total freak, a malformed mistake made by nature and people who openly ADMITTED to having made "this mistake" many many times. Even the people who took over custody of "this mistake" considered my birth a mistake. That's all I am. That's I've EVER been. I tried SOOOOOOOOOO hard, growing up, to please my grandparents, AND my parents, and everyone else it seems, only to end up trying TOO hard or not hard enough, or just simply fucking everything up in the process. After I was old enough to actually have doctors explain to me just what kind of mistake I really WAS, I knew I wasn't supposed to have survive childbirth. I was never supposed to be. I've had to live with that feeling all my life. I've had to live with people looking at me like a freak, shying away from me, hating me, wishing I was as far away as one person could be. That's what I want too- to be so far away, I never have to hurt again or be stared at like the total freak, mistake that I am! But, crying about any of that to anyone has proven fruitless, except to have landed me in psych wards a couple times. People care so little, they just, very faintly, say- oh, well, you say you hate yourself but you never do anything about it. I want them to mean "get over yourself and realize how awesome you are, how amazing you are..." but, I know that's never what any of those people are truly thinking when they say that. They, too, see so little in me, in fact, they see such a fuck-up that all they mean is "well, then why don't you just fucking off yourself so we don't ever have to see your freak-ass, ugly self or ever worry about you being a burden on US anymore!" So, I know, from experience, that people are only quick to worry about the ACT of committing suicide. They don't want to deal with the guilt. FORGET about what happens to the person AFTER they call the police or the ambulance. FORGET what happens after all that is over... FORGET that they once pretended to be FRIENDS with someone so much in need of true encouragement and friendship, that they actually REALIZED that's what they should have been giving that person all along! No, people DON'T truly care... about you, about THE PERSON, about helping you get better, get over what hurts so much inside you that the thought of having no life at all is better than the life that you had. No, no one cares, and- the truth is, if you hurt so much in the first place that you want to have no life at all, and- trying to cry out for help will only land you in a mental ward where people already think you're insane and need to be shot up with more drugs to make you numb to everything... and then every person you "thought" was a friend, or COULD have been a friend if they'd just tried to care, just a little bit more than was within their comfort zones, telling you that you meant more to them than what equals their vision of sitting at home with their husband or wife, or children, by a warm fire on a lovely evening, reading a book or watching a movie, surrounded by all they've been blessed with... but no one ever truly cares that much, or cares even 1/10 that much. They just care enough, and long enough to make sure they don't have to go to bed with the guilt hanging over them that they didn't do ANYTHING... and the truth is, if that's how little EVERYONE cares about someone so in need of love that they'd rather be dead than live one more day like a zombie, walking around simply EXISTING, and BARELY even THAT... having no one in their lives who TRULY cares about them enough to even listen or show them that they care enough to be there when the hurt is too much to bare, than... instead of crying out, instead of hoping SOMEONE who cares that much hears your cries and responds in accordance, then- in my opinion, the time for hope and for crying for help is over. The time for finally realizing that CEASING to BARELY EXIST is better than having ANY kind of life at all. And that's all I have to say at this point. I'm really not sure why I ever bothered to join this forum tonight. but... now that I realize how ludicrous THAT was... , I guess my only point was to, as a realist here- someone who has dealt with more rejection, emotional and verbal abuse, emotional and physical pain than most people could even fathom, not to mention the constant yearning to just be NORMAL, like every other person she wishes she could have been born like, instead of the nature-made freak she IS... that the choice is clear... and that for MOST people who have tried SEVERAL times, failed, gotten better for a time, and then ended up right back in the same place that forced them to attempt in the FIRST, SECOND, THIRD, AND INFINITELY AS MANY TIMES AS THEY HAD BEFORE... then, there is but one thing they, we- ALL need to understand- for those of us in that much pain, life DOESN'T get better. The only anecdote is to END life, just as the anecdote to watching a REALLY BAD MOVIE is- turning it off and throwing it away or just, never watching it again. And for me, this is basically my suicide note. So, to everyone who might still be trying by "crying out" on these forums or seeking help for someone else (as if they truly cared), my best of luck to you all, but- try to realize that your life is shit for a, or a NUMBER of reasons. If the consequences of ending FAR outweigh the benefits of remaining alive or seeking help numerous times, only to end up right back here asking the same questions, perhaps the only true solace lies at the end of that dark or light tunnel- whatever awaits. I, therefore, bid you all adieu. And FUCK this life and all the fakes in this world too!