Crying About It Works... Sometimes. Most Times, You Just Delay The Inevitable

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kinipelainpink, Jun 27, 2012.

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  1. kinipelainpink

    kinipelainpink New Member

    I...'ve had it. I never do anything right, never say anything right, I only see myself as a total freak, a malformed mistake made by nature and people who openly ADMITTED to having made "this mistake" many many times. Even the people who took over custody of "this mistake" considered my birth a mistake. That's all I am. That's I've EVER been. I tried SOOOOOOOOOO hard, growing up, to please my grandparents, AND my parents, and everyone else it seems, only to end up trying TOO hard or not hard enough, or just simply fucking everything up in the process. After I was old enough to actually have doctors explain to me just what kind of mistake I really WAS, I knew I wasn't supposed to have survive childbirth. I was never supposed to be. I've had to live with that feeling all my life. I've had to live with people looking at me like a freak, shying away from me, hating me, wishing I was as far away as one person could be. That's what I want too- to be so far away, I never have to hurt again or be stared at like the total freak, mistake that I am! But, crying about any of that to anyone has proven fruitless, except to have landed me in psych wards a couple times. People care so little, they just, very faintly, say- oh, well, you say you hate yourself but you never do anything about it. I want them to mean "get over yourself and realize how awesome you are, how amazing you are..." but, I know that's never what any of those people are truly thinking when they say that. They, too, see so little in me, in fact, they see such a fuck-up that all they mean is "well, then why don't you just fucking off yourself so we don't ever have to see your freak-ass, ugly self or ever worry about you being a burden on US anymore!" So, I know, from experience, that people are only quick to worry about the ACT of committing suicide. They don't want to deal with the guilt. FORGET about what happens to the person AFTER they call the police or the ambulance. FORGET what happens after all that is over... FORGET that they once pretended to be FRIENDS with someone so much in need of true encouragement and friendship, that they actually REALIZED that's what they should have been giving that person all along! No, people DON'T truly care... about you, about THE PERSON, about helping you get better, get over what hurts so much inside you that the thought of having no life at all is better than the life that you had. No, no one cares, and- the truth is, if you hurt so much in the first place that you want to have no life at all, and- trying to cry out for help will only land you in a mental ward where people already think you're insane and need to be shot up with more drugs to make you numb to everything... and then every person you "thought" was a friend, or COULD have been a friend if they'd just tried to care, just a little bit more than was within their comfort zones, telling you that you meant more to them than what equals their vision of sitting at home with their husband or wife, or children, by a warm fire on a lovely evening, reading a book or watching a movie, surrounded by all they've been blessed with... but no one ever truly cares that much, or cares even 1/10 that much. They just care enough, and long enough to make sure they don't have to go to bed with the guilt hanging over them that they didn't do ANYTHING... and the truth is, if that's how little EVERYONE cares about someone so in need of love that they'd rather be dead than live one more day like a zombie, walking around simply EXISTING, and BARELY even THAT... having no one in their lives who TRULY cares about them enough to even listen or show them that they care enough to be there when the hurt is too much to bare, than... instead of crying out, instead of hoping SOMEONE who cares that much hears your cries and responds in accordance, then- in my opinion, the time for hope and for crying for help is over. The time for finally realizing that CEASING to BARELY EXIST is better than having ANY kind of life at all. And that's all I have to say at this point. I'm really not sure why I ever bothered to join this forum tonight. but... now that I realize how ludicrous THAT was... , I guess my only point was to, as a realist here- someone who has dealt with more rejection, emotional and verbal abuse, emotional and physical pain than most people could even fathom, not to mention the constant yearning to just be NORMAL, like every other person she wishes she could have been born like, instead of the nature-made freak she IS... that the choice is clear... and that for MOST people who have tried SEVERAL times, failed, gotten better for a time, and then ended up right back in the same place that forced them to attempt in the FIRST, SECOND, THIRD, AND INFINITELY AS MANY TIMES AS THEY HAD BEFORE... then, there is but one thing they, we- ALL need to understand- for those of us in that much pain, life DOESN'T get better. The only anecdote is to END life, just as the anecdote to watching a REALLY BAD MOVIE is- turning it off and throwing it away or just, never watching it again. And for me, this is basically my suicide note. So, to everyone who might still be trying by "crying out" on these forums or seeking help for someone else (as if they truly cared), my best of luck to you all, but- try to realize that your life is shit for a, or a NUMBER of reasons. If the consequences of ending FAR outweigh the benefits of remaining alive or seeking help numerous times, only to end up right back here asking the same questions, perhaps the only true solace lies at the end of that dark or light tunnel- whatever awaits. I, therefore, bid you all adieu. And FUCK this life and all the fakes in this world too!
  2. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    I know where your coming from. I am getting close to that edge too. right now I am just waiting for the tipping point where my emotions boil over and I have the final resolve to say enough is enough. though I wish I could have been there for you. if I was ever going to physically stop someone from committing suicide then I have an obligation to not just stop the act but cure the reason for the need for the act in the first place. otherwise you have no right to stop them.
  3. kinipelainpink

    kinipelainpink New Member

    You've touched on my whole point and I thank you for that. But, the real point I meant to make, which perhaps I did not make clear, was that- no one DOES have the right to stop someone from making a decision that is wholly their own, as it is their life and THEIR death and not a single other soul's... but, to take action to STOP someone from committing suicide, from taking their own life... simply because you KNOW in your heart, in your gut, you will feel nothing but pain and guilt for a long long time if you KNOW you SHOULD have, or had the POWER to, or... were in the right place to prevent them from leaving this life, but nothing else, as in- a true empathy for that person, a true caring for that person AS a friend or even simple acquaintance, no matter HOW well you know them now, this thing that has caused their immense pain COULD very well be cured by your effort to truly CARE about them as a person, as a potential friend, as a real individual with feelings and potential. Who knows? If you gave them a chance to be let into your heart, and you put yourself out there, even WITH said risk of being hurt, to be let into theirs, their current vulnerable state, and showed them that you WANT them to remain alive because you WANT to know them as a friend and see them reach what life SHOULD be for them, but currently isn't. Who knows? Perhaps someone with that kind of heart for someone in so much turmoil COULD be, or more likely WOULD end up being the guardian angel they needed, an angel TRULY sent from heaven (or universe, or, whatever you believe in), without even knowing it, or looking to BE that, but you just did it, and, in time- became so through your actions and the changes you brought to the person whose life you saved. But to simply call the cops "just in time" and, having been something of a friend to them BEFORE that period in their life... having never known the pain they were in because they kept it inside- a thoughtful and magnanimous gesture meant to spare anyone else of depression and misery wrought by simply having to be there when they gushed about what was tearing them apart inside... and then just casting them aside because "clearly" they're freaks in need of SERIOUS HELP.... "help"... translated into "thrown into a psych ward" or "end up with only a shrink for a friend- a $200/hour friend, at that"... but, what people in such states REALLY need is a FRIEND, someone personally capable of, even with their own problems and baggage, taking on just enough of THEIR baggage to help them crawl back out of the abyss they fell into, instead of standing there, watching all that baggage continually pulling them right back down to the bottom, or deeper because you're simply unwilling to set one or two of your OWN bags down to free up a hand to help relieve one of theirs, allowing them to not only have a lighter load to carry up that hill, but freeing up one of THEIR hands, figuratively speaking, to grab onto the holds they need to actually MAKE IT out of that abyss, and back to level ground... to a place where they can finally face DOWNHILL, see the view that lies before them, and for once, finally see that life truly CAN BE amazing... that it's NOT all struggle and self-hatred, but that there truly ARE reasons to carry on- people... friends, family, relationships... LOVE! When a person feels completely devoid of love, of ALL kinds of love, ANY love at all... there truly IS no reason to carry on. For ONE PERSON to show them true love, and by that I mean- true AGAPE love, or "brotherly" (sisterly) love... to be shown that they truly are LOVABLE, even by just ONE PERSON.... then every reason they had before, for wanting to end their life... seems suddenly inconsequential, and sometimes even completely moot when set next to that towering love that- to the person showing it might seem minuscule, but- to the person receiving the benefits of it, and it- itself, it not only SEEMS but IS... the singular thing in their life that is most powerful, most wonderful, and suddenly seems to overshadow every single other thing that they had focused on before. And THAT... that one simple act... (sometimes it takes a lot of effort on the part of the person showing that kind of love but... in the end, it's more than worth it) can truly MAKE a person's life in every way, and help create a life that suddenly seems to be well beyond the need for even THINKING about being ended, by ANY means, let alone those by the hand of the person living it.

    Cases in point- almost every tear-jerking film or book every written about someone in distress, and ONE PERSON- be it a teacher, case-worker, friend, possibly even a freaking CAB driver... who sticks their hand out and says, take it, I'll help you up and through this. We go to the movies and read books because they give us the kind of hope we don't SEE in every day life because so many people are far too selfish to CARE enough about another person's problems or pain... as our means of finding HOPE in this world that lacks so much of it.

    As an aside, one thing I can say that really bothers me are those people who make it obvious that they DON'T CARE, and then use excuses like "I'm a Taurus" or "I'm a Leo"... it's not in my nature to care about what someone else is going through simply because some moron with a penchant for Astrology said so... so I'm just naturally never going to care when someone else is in pain. I only care about myself. That REALLY chaps MY ass- people who make excuses NOT to show love, and think those excuses hold water. Free Will has another term, and, wouldn't ya know it- it's a single-syllable, EXTREMELY simple one- CHOICE! Every single person on this planet CHOOSES everything in their lives, and they also CHOOSE whether or not they can or cannot change the life of someone in so much pain, they rather be dead than go on living an existence that is even LESS than a life in most people's eyes. Anyway, I guess those are what I meant... and yes, I'm saying that not to cry about my own problems or cry for help, but... to send a message to those who DO have hope, but just need that HELP, and to those who HAVE the choice to help... but would normally otherwise choose NOT to, and why? Because it's "too hard" to take on someone else's problems on top of my own! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! For me... this was my way of leaving SOME kind of legacy, SOME kind of wisdom before I'm gone. I hope that somehow, someone reads it, and pays it forward... and it continues to be paid forward by many many people until the concept become second nature... no, scratch that, FIRST nature, to more people that are alive than aren't.
  4. kinipelainpink

    kinipelainpink New Member

    But, the true and somber face of the matter is- Crying about it DOESN'T work... at least in that way... because everyone has become so selfish in this world that no one truly cares enough to show you that you are loved if you are that deep into the abyss.
  5. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    it is hard to want to go on when everyone looks at you like a broken play thing.
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    In the society that I live in, people DO care about others. If someone reaches out their hand, we try to help them. The one being helped, however, has to put forth effort too. Society DOES have a right to stop or try to stop someone from suicide... You infer that people are selfish and do not care, but the very fact that people do take measures to prevent these things is proof solid that they DO CARE. Suicide is often the result of depression and when a mind is depressive, it does not always make the best decisions. Depression can be cured. You may say that it cannot be, and perhaps for some it cannot... but for those with whom it can, then we all must do our very best to prevent these actions that result in death. There are MANY testimonials out there from people who once thought about or tried to do suicide and who are now so thankful that something prevented it from happening. They are happy now. This is fact. I don't have a statistical figure to show how many cases like that there are, but if there have been even one... then it is enough reason to continue trying to prevent people from taking suicide attempt action.

    EVERYONE that I know in person and that I associate with as my friends or peers is a very caring and non-self-centered person. I'm not saying there are not bad people out there... because there is. One can choose to surround themselves with the kind of people that they want to, though.

    I understand depression. EVERYONE suffers from it at one time or another. Some more so than others. Everyone has issues, circumstances, problems, lack of this or that or another... Some people have more or less than others, though I think each person feels that their own obstacles are more difficult than anyone else's. It is a battle and a fight to beat those challenges and to design wellness goals that lead toward success. Success does not need to be wealth or fame, however. Setting up our own goals and struggling to achieve them, not depending solely upon others, is a key to beating those feelings that might lead us to thoughts of death.

    Animals survive incredible odds... and we're supposed to be smarter than them. We can do it as well.
  7. I really like your post, especially the second one. Unlike most members I have to contribute that indeed, what you said is all to real. Hence the reason why everyone is here and on these forums. People family and the rest, have failed them. And left them alone in there misery like you also stated. All which you emphasizing could easily been avoided if they would reach out and help instead of "standing there" and being useless and shrugging you off. This is very much so why human contact is essential, no one understands, truly, as they are blessed with people who love them and you and I, are not.
  8. kinipelainpink

    kinipelainpink New Member

    ["A man: I want happiness.

    Buddha:First remove "I", that's ego, then remove "want", that's desire. See? Now you are left with happiness.

    If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I’ll bet they’d live a lot differently.

    "How so?"

    Well, when you look into infinity, you realize that there are more important things than what people do all day.

    Let’s face it, many that are lonely are loved and have a social life, yet find themselves lonely because they have not found “love”."]

    I LOVE your signature, ESPECIALLY that very last line. If everyone would just LOVE, as the Secret, the Power, and Jesus Christ all have told us to, just love, that's it- nothing complicated about it, just love unconditionally, as in- be there for people when they are hurting. If you can't be there for them in the way they need because you don't have the skills or training necessary to help with a specific issue, then help them find someone who CAN help them... THAT'S love! Putting that extra step forward to push someone to success and happiness, to get behind them when their feet are stuck in the concrete of depression, and push and ask another friend to get in front and help pull, and they don't stop helping until you finally break free of that concrete and can once again walk... and perhaps you were stuck in the concrete so long, you've lost the ability to walk normally. You stumble, like a new-born doe, because your muscles have atrophied and your will has waned. Then, both friends grab an arm and put themselves underneath you, one on each side, helping carry you to the place that has the answers (i.e. the doctor or therapist's office), or simply back home, to a warm shower and... well, that welcome feeling that a home should always provide, rather than the feeling that you don't belong, and that you, and the people you live with, would all be better off if you just disappeared and then stopped interfering with their lives, burdening them. If people loved like that, then this world would be a MUCH MUCH MUCH happier and safer place in which to live!
  9. well written as always, I wish you would reply to the private message I had sent you, to let me know how you are fairing with life.
    But alas, all you have posted, this is the true key to living.
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