Crying for hours every day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kittylover, Sep 7, 2013.

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  1. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    Every day, I lie in bed and cry for hours. Wishing I were female is extremely painful, and I just want to die. So many things in my life remind me that I have a male body, and at the end or beginning of a day, these built-up feelings get released as suicidal thoughts and crying. I have to avoid looking at reflections, or I can break into tears. At work, I wait until the men's room is empty before I go in.

    My body is just too masculine to ever appear female. I feel completely deprived of an identity, and of love, just because my mind doesn't match my body. I might as well not exist. I don't want to feel this pain all the time anymore.

    I want to write my suicide note, but I'm afraid that my therapist will have me locked up.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hope your therapist is helping you deal with your sexuality hun there are others here that struggle like you do hun and in time you will find a way to become whom ever you want to be
    with support you can hugs
  3. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I'm 32 years old and have never been on a single date with anyone my entire life. My parents don't accept how I feel about my gender. I feel completely unloved in this world except by my cat.
  4. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    i'm so sorry that the dysphoria is so bad. i'm not trans* so i can't completely relate, but have you thought of trying to find a trans* support group? maybe your therapist would know of a place where you can find support for your gender struggles? <3
  5. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    The only thing I've gotten from transgender support groups is more despair. They either pass very well because they started off with a body that was better off than mine, or they don't pass because they had a body like mine.

    Seeing the ones who pass just hardens my feelings of hopelessness, because I know that I'll never be like them. I could never live like the ones who don't pass; I need to feel comfortable, not accept my discomfort as forever part of my life.

    The only "solutions" I've ever gotten from therapists have involved learning to accept these aspects of reality. If I could accept them, I wouldn't be transgender. It's clear that medical technology has not advanced enough to save me; my gender dysphoria is just as terminal as metastatic pancreatic cancer.
  6. listless

    listless Banned Member

    I've gone through a phase in my life where I experienced GD also but I realized, like yourself I'm just a little too masculine looking to ever pass convincingly. It was a very bitter pill to swallow but I accepted this hard truth. Even if I was able to transition, it would require me to completely cut off the people closest to me and I'd be quite alone. Basically I realized the price for the wish that I had was far too high and the benefits really didn't add up.

    While my GD wasn't nearly as intense as yours, I think if you logically think it through, you might come to accept your present state and try to make the best of it. There are some people who go ahead with transitioning anyways even though they don't pass, but I just don't think that's a sensible option. There are alternatives, you can dress for yourself or your partner-have relationships with men who are into transsexuals and so forth (actually it's something I've done also and quite liked it). There are ways around this-don't let your GD stop you from enjoying your life. Also the grass looks greener on the other side, but women in some ways have it much harder than men, so it's not as if your life is suddenly going to be great if you became that woman you hoped to be. Do keep that in mind and best of luck.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2013
  7. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    There's nothing for me to enjoy in my life as a man. Being a male taints everything for me, making me feel disgusted and uninterested.

    If I think about what the rest of my life will be like, another 20+ years of this, I feel even worse. I will never find a significant other, because mentally I need someone who considers me a woman. I will see everyone around me have their lives while I am just stuck.

    I just don't have any future as a man.
  8. mechanic

    mechanic Member

    Look on the bright side, you can play with a cock whenever you want ;)
    But on a serious note I cant fully relate to your situation but I wish I had the strength to cry like you.
  9. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I have nowhere to go... I've been lying in bed all day today crying and haven't gotten up to eat or anything. This is what my weekends are like now.

    I cry during the obligatory "getting off", so no bright side there.
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