Crying on the inside

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MouseSLP, Oct 16, 2011.

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  1. MouseSLP

    MouseSLP Member

    To everyone around me, I look normal
    They all think I'm getting better
    Well, actually, I'm just getting better at hiding how I am
    I smile and laugh when expected, but really I'm crying and screaming on the inside... why doesn't anyone see?
    I want to be perfect, the perfect wife, the perfect mother.... but I'm neither, I'm so far from it it's scary
    But I'm so good at playing the game, nobody knows the real me
    Nobody knows how alone I feel, how much I hate myself. If they knew the real me, the things I've done they'd hate me too.
    My choices are to hurt them by being here, playing this game, being fake... or to just go, end it now
    My dilemma is that I don't know which would hurt them less, them finding out what a hateful person I am and ripping our family apart, having them hate me... or for me to end my life, they would feel that pain, and hate me forever...
    Either way I know I will cause them pain
    So I guess my choice is whether I can be here to see it, or take the cowards way and end it

    Right now I am feeling cowardly
    It doesn't matter what I do
    Either way i hurt them
  2. Mandy1

    Mandy1 Antiquities Friend & Senior Member

    Keep talking sweetheart.Sorry your hurting but getting it all out might help.SF is a good place too talk.
  3. yd4

    yd4 Member

    Why do you hate yourself as much as you say you do? Maybe faking the person you wish you were will actually lead to you becoming that person one day.
  4. MouseSLP

    MouseSLP Member

    I keep coming here, reading the messages of support others send, and I gain strength from them. The messages aren't even meant for me, but I gain strength from knowing that others are going through/have been through these feelings of ending it all and have survived

    But then I remember what a horrible person I am, I remember that I am here because I can't join a local self help group, I can't admit to anyone who I am and what I've done - only my psych team know, and they only know because i made them tell me that if the worst comes to the worst and I do end it all, then they are bound by patient confidentiality, they can never reveal the monster that I am

    i didn't do anything illegal and my psych team tell me i'm not the only one that has done what i did, so please, don't shun me, this is the only place i can gain any support

    but i hate myself for the person i am, i hate myself for the pain i am causing my family, but mostly i hate myself for the pain that i know i will cause my family... whether i stay strong enough to fight it, or give in and end it, i will cause them pain.

    i can't become the person i want to be
    no matter how hard i try
    i have to learn to live with myself and my past actions
    i have to learn to accept that i will hate myself forever, that every time my husband and children tell me they love me it hurts, because i don't deserve it
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    MouseSLP, if you haven't committed some truly horrible crime, I doubt you are some sort of "monster." :hug:

    If it was something that happened to you, then it is simply not your fault. If it was something that you said/did, remember that everyone makes mistakes/bad choices sometimes. Can you forgive yourself? I hope you can stop beating yourself up emotionally.
  6. MouseSLP

    MouseSLP Member

    haven't committed a crime
    haven't broken any laws

    but i still hate myself

    but i know i did wrong
    and i'll be good from now on
    i just have to learn to live with my actions to date

    but i still hate myself
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