Crying yet again...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ScarsandHopes, Dec 1, 2008.

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  1. ScarsandHopes

    ScarsandHopes Well-Known Member

    I've seen what it's like to be happy, I've felt it through my bones.

    God, I wish I could just go back to that... That feeling that nothing or no one can touch me. Why? Why is it so hard to just be happy. I've tried smiling, I've tried surrounding my self with happy things. But, I always end up here. Crying into a black book, knowing I've had good things in my life, just wishing I could have them for one more night.

    I want to kill myself. I want to just lie down and cry myself to sleep one last time. But.. It's not what I need. Though I can't seem to figure out what I need... I keep asking, I don't know who or what, but I keep asking for something to take me away, take me to a happier time. WHY! Why is it so damn hard to just smile! To just be relaxed and not think about what I've had every second of every god damn minute!

    So, here I am... Crying.. I just want to die, to feel something... Anything but what I feel now. Like life will never get better.

    I cut my self again tonight too. The pain from tequila being poured over it.. It made me smile, but not a good smile.. A smile that says "Maybe I'll just pass out and break my neck... Just maybe..."

    Why am I so god-damned weak? I see people who have been through hell and back, yet they still produce a smile and live a good life. Yet me, a guy who has screwed up his own life, thinks he's got it so bad..

    Please, help me.. I don't want to be like this forever. But, I don't want to end it. Why can't I just wake up and be happy for once... WHY?!

    Sorry for my ranting. I know this is the crisis forum, but I feel like this a crisis... A crisis that calls for me to find something... Anything to make this feeling go away... To make the tears go away... Hell, to make me go away...
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Scarsandhopes. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so down. Try to resist the urge to cut, it will only make things worse. Why are you feeling so sad? Has something happened? :hug:
  3. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    sorry to hear you are feeling bad, feeling happy when you are suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts can be the hardest thing to do, getting yourself to a level playing field where your not exactly happy but where you can handle things better will be easier and a good start.
    but this takes time and patience, it will be hard work but worth it.
    but only you can make changes in your life to how you feel.
    using meds, seeing a counsellor, talking to trusted friends, imersing yourself in something of interest to yourself like a hobby, using prefered support and coping methods and of course posting here are some small ideas to try to keep yourself above water so to speak.

    theres no quick fix unfortunatly but with support you can do it, be strong and take care.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with Andy. You have to put forth the effort of fighting these thoughts. I also very strongly agree that you need a therapist to help you learn coping skills to defeat the negative thoughts.Good Luck!~Joseph~
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Scars and hopes,

    Just wondering how you are doing today? :hug:
  6. ScarsandHopes

    ScarsandHopes Well-Known Member

    I'm doing quite well, and yourself sweetheart? :)
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