Curious Contemplations

Hi All,

I was wondering if anyone has experienced something similar to what I am at

the moment, and what anyone else makes of it.

Basically, I have an extreme fascination with death, suicide and self harm at the

moment, even when Im not suicidally idealising things. I don't know what to

make of it, and its freaking me out a little. I know way too much, and yet I still

find out more. At times it is uncontrollable, and I dont know if this is bad, or

perhaps it is a good thing as I am exploring and when I do it, Im not suicidal,

though when I am feeling bad, I also research into similar things.

Thought? Opinions? Comments?

Thanks Dion

 

I've been fascinated with death and suicide for a while now. When I'm most down, I have a tendency to want to Google and read about dark topics. Once, when I was not thinking clearly about appropriateness, I did a speech on suicide while in class. I still regret that. I guess what I'm trying to say is I can relate somewhat. :hug: Hugs to you...Take care, Dion.

 

I can definitely relate to how your feeling as well. I often find myself searching this forum and google along with a few other websites about suicide and related subjects. It sort of comforts me to read about suicide topics. As for constantly thinking about death i think that's part of being suicidal.

 

Something is causing in you a desire to learn about it.

Where it's coming from, I don't know.

Maybe you're wondering what this all is? That's normal. Existential crisis is a common term applied to this.

Let me give an example of how something else can cause you to do this...

When I was in school, I procrastinated a lot. Each time I put off assignments, I noticed something important. I would consistently get more and more tense and stressed. This would cause me to talk myself down. I'd find myself justifying my "failure" by learning about conspiracies and other things that would make this world null and void. I became more destructive. All of this happened until I finally finished the assignment. Then it was like a great weight was lifted from my shoulders. Suddenly, I could smell the flowers again. This would happen whether I did the assignment early or later. My preoccupation was to do most everything LATE. All night, on the absolute last day. I studied for a final without much ever having touched the book. I had to go through a few hundred pages, can't remember. I got a B. But I was very stressed. It was miserable. I don't want to give you the impression that it was hell on earth. It wasn't. My GPA in HS and college was 3.8. Bad grades are not normal for me. But what I got from all of it is that misery desires companionship.

I procrastinate almost by default. It causes in me a kind of misery. I try to justify it. This=Logic.

Maybe you have a misery that's causing you to desire a companion. Misery likes company of a similar nature.

Oddly, I think that in much the same way this is happening now. I procrastinate with my life.

 

Such thoughts (thoughts about suicide, death, self harm, existence, etc) are very common with many types of depression and many other mental illnesses. Some people with depression are never actually suicidal, but still find themselves thinking about suicide and/or death at least once in their life.

I, too, have an extreme fascination with such things. Like you, even when I'm not suicidal and/or feeling at my worst, my mind will wander there. It's as if I'm unable to stop it from doing so. Sometimes it frightens me, and other times, it comforts me in some kind of strange, twisted way. It's not always thoughts of suicide, but often just thoughts of death in general and existence in general. It's usually uncontrollable for me, too.

The best thing you can do is talk about it or write about it if you're not yet comfortable discussing it with a therapist or a friend/family member. I wish you the best. :hug: