Cut for the first time in months last night.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Mama_Pills, Jan 30, 2011.

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  1. Mama_Pills

    Mama_Pills Well-Known Member

    It's been a while, SF.

    I don't think I've been on since I started Lexapro over the summer, because I've been feeling so great. Every once in a while I will get depressed and want to hurt myself, but not like last night. Not that badly in a while.

    Since I last visited, I have gotten involved with a boy from my college. He's my first boyfriend, my first kiss, the first person I've held hands with, the first person I've let touch me at all ... and I'm so happy with him, and he's so good to me, and he always reminds me that if I'm not comfortable with something that I can tell him and he'll stop, and he'll be okay with that. He's completely understanding of where I come from and the fact that I'm just being introduced to all of this relationship stuff or whatever.

    But it's so hard not to get too attached to him.

    We've been dating for, going on 4 months now, and he's told me that he doesn't want any commitment past this summer because next semester he's studying in Russia, and long-distance would be complicated ... but he just means no commitment because he's going to be in Russia. So I don't know if that means when he gets back we can get back together. But, either way, I really like him, and last night it dawned on me how difficult it's going to be to accept that he's going to be gone next semester, not knowing what happens after that. I have no doubt we'll still be friends, at least, because we're both mature adults, and we were good friends before we started dating anyway.

    But last night, I was feeling so depressed, because, since I've been with him, and since I've been so close to the only person I've ever been this close to, I've started wondering who I am and who I'm becoming, and it's like I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I don't know how to explain it or why, but I just feel so different.

    Anyway, we were going to bed after a party (we haven't had sex or anything yet because I'm a virgin and plan on waiting until marriage, but we've gotten at least a little sexual. No oral or anything though) and earlier that evening, before I met up with him to go out, I had been crying, and I cut myself for the first time in forever. He doesn't know, and I'm afraid to tell him because he hates that I used to do it, though he understands and accepts it.

    But while we were falling asleep I started crying again. He's never seen me cry like that, but he held me and told me it was alright, and that he was there and he had me, and he stayed up with me until I stopped crying, just letting me talk about how I was feeling. I apologized because I said I never wanted him to see me like that, but he just held me tighter and whispered that he was so glad he could be privileged enough for me to allow him to see that side of me, and not to be sorry, because he likes both sides of me all the same, perhaps even a little more now that he has seen them both.

    How am I supposed to not get attached to that?

    He's so incredibly understanding and handsome and wonderful and everything I could ever have asked for in my life right now. How am I supposed to just let that go? How am I supposed to handle that? And what happens when he's gone, and I don't know if he'll ever be mine again?

    I just want to hurt.

    But I wish I didn't.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Did you talk to him about how you will stay in contact with each other if he would be coming back for some visits or if you could go visit him maybe. You are right i can see how very hard this will be for you Perhaps this would be a good time to find you again okay Show your friend how strong and independant you can be okay Perhaps take on a new interest while he is away art classes music classes sports do something you have always wanted to do okay to keep you busy Talk to him okay before he leaves so you know where things stand do leave it unknown hugs to you. Please don't harm anymore instead try to do something kind for you okay start doing things that will bring you joy and peace.
     
  3. Mama_Pills

    Mama_Pills Well-Known Member

    This was really helpful.

    I love knowing I can come here for good advice from people who understand the way I think <3
     
  4. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I'd echo everything TE said. Just one other thing - don't get guilty about the SI - we're allowed backward steps once in a while....

    Hugs - my PM box is always open.
    Chris
     
  5. Mama_Pills

    Mama_Pills Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Chris.

    It's weird with him when it comes to cutting. He's seen my scars, and he's not okay with them or that I 'used to' do it, but he accepts it for what it is and/or was. He really hates when it comes up though because his stepmom used to cut, and he and his dad left her because of it when he was young, because his father didn't want him growing up in a house like that. So it's really touchy for him. Then again, it's pretty much touchy for everyone. But especially him.
     
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