Cut me in pieces and set me on fire.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by oval, May 26, 2012.

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  1. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    I am so angry at myself and want to self destroy that I cannot focus on anything else. I don't want to distract myself, I feel like I deserve this.
    I just wanna cut both my legs off. Problem would be significantly minimized. I have been disgusts with my body and thought I was fat and unacceptable ever since I was literally 5 years old. I refused to wear shorts or anything that would expose my legs. Realistically I was never over weight. I weight 150lb as a teenager once and that was the heaviest I have been. I'm 5'8 and weight 130 lb but can't accept my body to save my life. I want to cut off the extra fat, it's not acceptable, it makes me unacceptable as a human being, I CANT ACCEPT IT!
    I haven't been eating "right" and I haven't been doing my exercises properly bc I've been sick. But this problem only popped in my head now since I was reminded of what a fucking stupid piece of shit I am.
    The piece of shit that dropped out of school, hasn't been doing anything since but waste time and money, has not even a little bit of self esteem and is a boring "unsociable asshole" that has no friends and no family. I really am stupid and useless. I really am. I am worth nothing.
    And here I was thinking I might actually be able to go back to school, maybe make it through and get a degree, maybe get a good job and actually be someTHING of value. Who are you I to be thinking in such dimensions? Who are you that you eat more than just to survive? Who do you fucking think you are? I am of no worth to society or to anyone but most importantly, I am of no worth to myself which nothing can compensate. I am indeed unnecessary.
    As I've heard someone say, I have an itch inside my head that desperately needs to be scratched. Fuck email support, fuck crisis lines, fuck me and fuck everything.
    I don't want to commit a "female suicide", as they say, I need to do it with brutality. That will scratch my itch.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You sound very educated to me You post is well written clear to understand You are not worthless you may feel that way but that is just your illness speaking to you. You are important and if you stick around here people will show you that you do matter hun ok Keep venting it helps alot hugs
  3. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    Thank you but honestly, I'm too stupid to talk to people now. It takes everything out of me in my effort to be liked and accepted. I have withdrawn myself from everyone.
    I'm obsessed with perfection and greatness. Im sorry miss Mathews, it is perfection. Not positivity.
    I can't meet my own unrealistic standards to being with but I have also generally failed society's standards. I can practically hear my father whispering the same thing in my ear even after I moved thousands of miles away from him.
    husband made a smart remark in an argument after i called him an idiot, that at least he finished high school and is going to college now. That caused my meltdown today. If my stupid ass won't get a fucking GED and go to college, Im gonna have to burn to death, literally. That would be the only way to compensate my failure. I am absolutely unacceptable.
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