Cut Off Friends Before They Can Become Bullies

[Always Hopeless]

There are a few trigger warnings for those suffering from self harm and eating disorders.

I've always had a lot of friends and made friends easily. Back home and all the other places we had lived in before, I had best friends and was friends with just about everybody in my class and in other classes too. I was by no means "popular". I was just nice and relatable enough that a lot of people liked me and so I've always had friends and that was my first motivation for going to school everyday. I was excited to see my friends. Now I'm alone. Ever since we moved here. All that shit is in my history so I won't waste more space writing it. But for short I've been verbally, emotionally and physically bullied non stop at every job and every school I've been to in this place.

I was ready to die, having nothing left. Then I got, what some people might call my "dream". I thought things were going to get better. I made a group of friends who seemed like friends. But like always, they turned on me. Eventually everybody does here. They knew about some of my bullying history. They acted like they understood because some of them were bullied too or had no friends before. We had a heart to heart and shared a lot of trauma and they acted like I was valuable. I thought my opinions and experiences in this place were going to change and I actually found nice, decent rare people. I thought I had friends again who understood and accepted because they experienced it, or similar things themselves. But they grouped up together and excluded me. They don't even think they did anything wrong. That's the group mentality. If they all do it they can share the blame and justify each other. That's how bullying in the professional world works. One charismatic leads the way to isolate the target and the others follow and justify the mob. But they will never lay a hand on you. It's all psychosocial so they don't have to feel as though they are aggressively evil or violent.

Some of them would say things to put me down, showing no respect for my feelings or abilities. They would sign up for group events and even though I'm in the group they would sign up without me. Not even waiting for any kind of response. This one girl in the group just went ahead and signed up for all of them and sent the invite to all of them except me. There was a class I wanted to take and she was there when I told the person giving the class that I really was interested and will look out for the email to sign up. I told her right after that I wanted to do that. She got the email because it was sent to certain people only and she sent it to everyone in the group except me. They all went and I never got to go. Then she acted like she just forgot to add me - there are 4 of us and she can't remember? I'm not stupid although everyone in this place wants to believe I am. I've had enough of people being threatened and competitive that they will sabotage opportunities for their own self gain. Then we had to take a practical test of skills which requires a partner. 2 of these girls were in the first group and said when they finish they will meet me in the line and one of them will be my partner. They never did. One of them left to go sit around and have a conversation. The other went in with someone else. Nobody told me. Nobody came to find me - I was right there in the line. I got berated and publicly humiliated by the administrator of the exam. I had to run around the school trying to find someone to go with me and was holding back tears for the whole test. I got berated and humiliated again during the rest of that week by the course director. Now if it happens again I will be punished. I will be the one to fail, not them.

I got sick and tired of being excluded. I got sick and tired of being disappointed. And I got sick and tired of being left out, so I let myself out. So I cut them off. No more weekly punches to the gut for being left out of something. No more slaps in the face from nasty comments to make me feel worse about myself than I already do. No more of people trying to make me fail. If I fail it will be on my own with only myself to blame. I started to cut myself again and restricted my eating.

Now I am grieving the loss. If possible, it might be worse than all the other times before. Because I've been shown what I could have had and then ripped away and forced to be surrounded by their happiness and others while I am excluded. They did it in the worst way possible by affecting my grades, my opportunities and any hope for the future. I've no more tolerance for people pretending to be my friend and bleeding me dry until they get what they want and throw me aside like rubbish. I've given up on making friends. I've accepted it is not for me, here. Now I'm much more depressed than I've ever been because before I had hope and help and options. Now I have none of those things. I don't see any future. I won't get started on when I thought I finally found the right therapist and she abandoned me. I'll never trust another again. What is a future without all the parts? Family, friends, people and animals who genuinely care about and like you. I don't even enjoy what I do anymore. Something I worked almost half my life to achieve. Everyone is just nasty, mean and selfish. It's not that I don't want to live like this anymore. It's that I physically now cannot take to live like this anymore. Every piece I had left to give has been exhausted.

 

[MisterBGone]

This was all quite cold and calculated behavior by your peers. I feel terribly for you to have been let down by these people whom you trusted, and, as you say, got your hopes up... for, "what might have been?!" I think I know the feeling-

It's like you say, the better you do, and look (by comparison) the worst or worse, that they appear by default. Such a belittling minute mindset. For such hollow people. How insecure must one be to engage in this kind of systematic, group behavior? As if it were choreographed, or 'rehearsed!' But as you said, or implied "leave no trace~."

They now what they're doing and good on you for standing up to it, or putting an end to it (by not continuing to be their punching bag).

I only wish that it didn't get you in such hot water with the people in charge! Maybe if you explained the situation then you wouldn't be so persecuted. But I suppose you've either thought of that, or tried, or did not want to get them in trouble or wish for them to be made to look bad. Self-sacrifice, one might say. I've been there. But boy does it not do you any favors-

It's like they feel threatened by your superior abilities. I think you've hit the nail right on the head, and have a good handle on things.

Only thing I might suggest, and who am I to recommend anything to you? Is to try to find new people to associate with in your program. And then approach with a mindset of more of a workman-like relationship. Such as that of a co-worker. In other words, we're not going to be friends for life. And while I'm not looking to 'use,' you per se~ I am simply goiing to treat you as a means to an end. Yes, we can be friendly, and have a good time. But we're all here on businesss, and we've got a job to do. And that is to get through this training. And then we'll be on to the next phase of our lives. So in the grand scheme, nothing we say or do will matter all that much when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Sure, it would be nice! yes, of course... (but we've got to keep things in perpective here)

These other things you're yearning for, they can come later. I know you probably don't want to hear that. But it's true. You've had friends before, and it sounds like you were quite good at it, for lack of a better way of saying it. So your experience can and shall serve you well in the future, once you find yourself in the right situation. or 'time & place,' as they say. . .

Goood luck, anyway!