cutter/SI once a cutter always a cutter i suppose

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by not-so-lucky, Aug 6, 2009.

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  1. not-so-lucky

    not-so-lucky Member

    i know this is long, but please read it. please.

    I started cutting in middle school, but stopped because I suppose at that point I only did it for attention from a friend I thought I was losing. Actually I did lose her, but I wanted her back so by cutting she was in a sense there for me 'cause she didn't know what to do so she would talk to me. It made me feel like I had someone, but I stopped because it was a pointless situation by high school. I started cutting a little bit junior year I think that was for some attention again. I stopped pretty quickly. I started again senior year, and that was for real that time. I stopped though because hiding cuts on the wrist is hard in the summer and especially cause I played sports. It also got me no where. I graduated this past year and I'm now getting ready for college. Iamb cutting again and this is beyond what I used to do. I cut on my leg because I isn't noticeable for anyone to see. Only my best friend knows. She doesn't support it but she wishes I would talk to a shrink like she does. I can't talk to a shrink, it will only embarrass my mom. You see I have two older siblings. The oldest one seems to always do everything right. My mom never seems to truly be mad at him. He's going into senior year in college. My other sibling is going to be a soph and while my mom gets a lil bit angrier at him, it's only cause she is a fucking bitch. With me, I have never felt that I was who she wanted me to be. I feel like I have fucked up so bad. She is a girly girl i was a tomb boy i feel like she always hated that about me. I write she doesn't understand writing. She's not artistic. My Mom is fat and tells me to just wait my turn will come soon enough--I'm athletic with muscle and weigh like 117. I hate my mom. I feel like no matter what I do i can't make her happy. I have spent my whole life trying to make her proud trying to make her love me trying to make her not embarrassed by me but i can't win for losing. No matter what i do it isn't enough. I cut because there is nothing else I can do. I can't even write anymore. I feel so much emotion that writing is fucking pointless. I can't see a shrink cause my Mom will find out. If I go to one in college the shrink will tell my Mom cause I had HAD to sign this paper that says i give permission for the school to share anything about me with them. I want to see a shrink. I know I need one. but i can't see one. if i see one my mom will be ashamed of me. she will hate me. i have fucked up a lot. my oldest brother fondled me when i was younger. i told a friend at camp who told a counselor and dyphis showed up at our house. my mom told me to lie to them that i made it all up so they would leave and then we would deal with it. well after they left cause i lied my mom said that she remembers some of the stories from when i was a kid and she broke that stuff up and it was normal sibling stuff when you have opposite sex kids. but i mean while that may be true he would do stuff with me until he got a girlfriend when he was maybe 16. i would act as if nothing affected me to try to get him to stop but he wouldn't catch on to it. i can't stop thinking about those things. i guess he didn't molest me cause i didn't tell him to stop cause in a sense i guess i wanted it to. i mean you would think i would atleast know better but idk. i guess i mostly am mad cause you would think HE would have known better. but he didn't. or maybe he did he just didn't care. either way my mom tried to swipe it under the rug as best as possible. that makes me mad. i love my brother with all my heart but i can't think of us the same anymore. i can't tell anyone about that cause it will make them look at my brother wrong. but how can i marry a guy who doesn't know everything about me. i am all about not liang and not telling my husband something like that? i mean come on. and moving on from that. i just can't stand to embarrass my mom anymore. i try and try and try and try but she twists and turns everything i say into what she wants it to be--a bitchy comment--or perhaps what she assumes i mean it to be. i simply ask a question and she thinks i attack her. i hate that i can't make her happy i hate that i can't make her proud of me. i don't want to fit in i don't want to be like everyone else. i like to be different i believe in non conformity because I BELIEVE IN IT. my mom one day said "for once, can't you just be like everyone else." that hurt, a lot. i want to get help. i know it'll help me but i can't. if she found out about it it would embarrass her to no end. my mom doesn't support TWLOHA. she thinks anything of that sort is shameful. she has never come out and said it but as i said about the dyphis thing--they wanted me to get a shrink my mom told them she would find one for me and they said they would come back as a check in. she never got me a shrink because they never came back to check in. my mom hates all that bull shit. idk why but she does. i hate it too cause i know it would help me. MY MOM IS MY ISSUE. i know that and it makes me really upset. i'm stuck in this life. i can't get out. i thought i would just see the college shrink but i can't cause my mom would find out. i am lost and trapped. i know what i need and accept that i should go i guess i kinda what to go but i can't. i can't embarrass her again. i know i will in other ways but if i know a way that i can avoid it i will avoid it and this is one of those times. i love my mom , i really do. i don't blame her she only does what she knows, i just wish she would change. she wants me to change everything about me. i try my best to give her what she wants when i am around her but it's never good enough. why can't she change a little too? i sucks when it's one sided you know. i fear i will grow to be like her. i can't be like her. if i am like her i will one day end it all. i better not be like her. i don't enjoy the things i used to anymore. i finally understand that part of depression--not liking things anymore. when i do them Iamb like ugh i don't wanna do it anymore but i continue cause someone else is enjoying it or wanted to do it. i love to write and take pictures but i just don't feel like doing it anymore. the only thing i do is read. i read and read and read and read. to take my self away from reality i suppose. idk. but i'm blabbering on and on and on and on. if you actually read this much i am very impressed. i'm sorry for any odd spellings i pressed correct instead of ignore in spell check--sorry about that.
    my leg looks like a cutting board that is 20 years old and i only started cutting on my leg 5 days ago.
    i'm also afraid getting help from a shrink will affect my change to get a job as a teacher after college. i'm afraid the school i apply too will know that i went there and that i had issues and that i was depressed or bipolar or w.e it is i have and they will decide not to higher me for it. i can't get help if it will prevent me from being a teacher. i would rather have to deal with the emotions and feelings and problems if it means i will be able to teach high school english after college. idk what to do. i talk myself in circles if you haven't noticed.
    i get drunk a lot and i get high when i can and i smoke. i love to drink. i can't sleep at night so drinking helps me to fall asleep. i can drink any flavored rum like it is water. i don't even get typsy off one bottle of beer anymore. i need to hard stuff to feel anything. i drink alone in my room. i drink until it makes me want to pass out. and then i lay on my bed and pass out for the night.
    I cut because nobody cares enough to notice, only my friend whom understands and does similar things she just doesn't cut
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I read your post and my heart goes out to you.

    I was drawn to read it because of what you said..Once a cutter always a cutter. Well I wonder that myself quite often

    You covered a lot of things in your post that I just don't feel responding to specifically right here so will send you a PM.

    I sure hope you come back to SF as I think we can help and I know for certain I would like to.

    Feel free to PM or reach me on IM via my profile page.

    Again I read and HEARD what you had to say and you can count me as friend, please let me know how you are doing at least-I care.

    Love and hugs B
  3. iKarma

    iKarma Well-Known Member

    Wall of text crits you for over 9000.
  4. Tray

    Tray Well-Known Member

    Well i cant comment on it all.. Just alot that im processing right now.
    But i can tell you a couple of the thoughts i have.
    It seems like you care so much about pleasing you mother and the fact that you cant is well hard on you. My advice there is to live for yourself. I can understand looking for to have the acceptance of people around you but at the sake of your own happiness its not worth it. The life you live is yours and no one else. don't waste it not being who you wanna be.

    As for cutting... i cant really say your doing it for the wrong reasons cause well.. there isnt any right reason to do it. but i think if ur doing it for attention ur not gonna be happy with the results. Its just gonna attract the wrong attention... the kind that im sure you don't wanna deal with.
    As always i not gonna tell you to stop. Just consider the consequences a bit more and think about whether your actions are truly helpful in any way.

    Finally i think you should go speak with a therapist or whatever. It sounds like you really just have a lot that you need to vent about and well thats what they are for. I think it will benefit you greatly. It may be just what you need.
    Now then dont worry so much about if it will affect your ability to get a job later. My history with a therapist has slowed down the start of my career a bit but it hasnt stopped me. But my job is a bit different..
  5. sadandlonely

    sadandlonely New Member

    my heart goes out to you chick. just remember you're not alone. like someone said above me your title drew me to this post. i started over 8 years ago, stopped about 6 years ago but started recently again.

    hun if you search on the internet im sure you can find some sort of help centre near you, where everything would be confidental. also i dont know where you're from but in the uk and ireland if you are over either 16 or 18 (cant mind which) your GP by law has to keep everything confidental, if they tell anyone they could risk their job. You dont have to tell your mum where you're going.

    i hope this helps hun xx
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