cutting again

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Ozzy Manson, Oct 14, 2011.

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  1. Ozzy Manson

    Ozzy Manson Well-Known Member

    i had done really well for a while with not cutting, but recently everything just kept building up and building constantly and i couldnt take it anymore...i made only 2 minimal cuts though, trying to stop myself from more, i had a band concert the following day.. but now things are getting worse, and i have no reason i won't be able to hide the cuts now...i guess what is really bothering me is i haven't been able to keep up in school, so that stressed me out, now things at home are going down the drain. i tried to ask my parents if they would like to go bowling with me sometime, when there is the glow in the dark time maybe, and i was rejected, saying i had better things to be doing. i tried explaining i was just trying to help us be a family, but i continued to be ridiculed, so i left to sit in a coffee shop a few miles up the road. everybody just seems to be rejecting me lately, and it makes me feel even worse because my girlfriend wants so bad for me not to be sad, and in pain, but i end up causing her pain and worry if i tell her what is going on. i feel like all i have been doing lately is cause people pain, but i feel so lonely...i hate feeling this lonely, but yet i dont know if i am strong enough to go out and be around anybody....i keep aching for my blade, just waiting for my chance, dad should be going to bed any minute now, so i won't have any risk of anybody being awake whilst i cut....im sorry im just rambling on, im just rather conflicted tonight i suppose...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun im sorry your family does not see your pain and rejected your idea to go out and have funas a family. I do hope you continue to talk here okay we are listening i hope you donot cut again hun It does no good you will just hate yourself more Your gf wants you to be happy but you cannot hide your sadness talk to someone outside the family okay Talk to a councillor a teacher anyone outside your family because then you will not be judged hugs to you
     
  3. Ozzy Manson

    Ozzy Manson Well-Known Member

    I wish they knew how much the stress me out and make me feel so shitty, they know i am a cutter, or rather im sure they think i've stopped. i have to be perfect ya know? surely there isnt anything wrong with me. i just want them to love me and show they care....or at least get a divorce, so i can take care of my mom on my own...i know cutting isnt the best idea, but i feel like im out of options.....i was going to talk to an old teacher of mine yesterday, but by the time i made it to the school everybody was gone... even the counselor i went to that lives near me isnt home for a few days....i wanted to tell her the other night when i saw her briefly, but im always scared to tell anybody that knows i cut when i do again, because i feel like i failed them....i always feel like i need to please all the other people in my life, so maybe they won't ever have to be in the same pain i am in.... im getting frustrated with myself now, the urges are getting stronger...and im growing weaker...
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Please don't okay hun you can talk here and i am sure your mother loves you very much just she is under some stress herself I know you feel invisible hun but your not okay Coming here is a great idea hun keep talking okay You are not alone here so please know that hugs to you
     
  5. Ozzy Manson

    Ozzy Manson Well-Known Member

    thank you for your support.....i couldnt keep up my will last night, i cut a lot.....but i guess i did get a good nights sleep finally.... i wil try to not again tonight....
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am sorry you had to do that hun to cope but i am glad you got some sleep Please hun call crisis line next time or someone you trust okay talk it out if youcan hugs toyou
     
  7. Ozzy Manson

    Ozzy Manson Well-Known Member

    its ok....thank you for the hugs...i would call somebody, but i dont feel like i have anybody in real life who wont get mad....i can only trust all of you here on sf.. i am glad i got sleep, it had been almost a week since i really got sleep.. i would call a crisis line or something, but it shows up on the bill...
     
  8. Ozzy Manson

    Ozzy Manson Well-Known Member

    i have cut 3 days in a row now... im going to try not to tonight.....sleeping problems are coming back now though and stress is getting worse...
     
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