Cutting every other day

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by AngelofPainandMisery, Oct 16, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Well-Known Member

    I have been cutting every other day for the past month, not always getting deeper, but still a little scary at times. I'm still afraid I will cut too deep, and that is a stupid assumption, because I'm too much of a coward to cut any deeper.
    All my life I have had a phobia of sharp objects (or maybe Harm OCD) and an aversion to pain, which is funny because I self harm.. Maybe it stemmed from spankings when I was younger (read: three years ago) for not behaving, even when there may have been other motivations for my actions and no one cared.
    I still intentionally hurt myself for punishment, I have taken on that role.
    Not just physical pain, but watching extremely violent movies, death related sites with violent videos and pictures, later watching documentaries and videos on animal rights websites to remind myself just how selfish I am, how good I have it, how I have no right to complain. Kept me away from the brink of committing suicide until recently.

    A photographic memory is a curse, you see these images and every time you close your eyes you see the pain and suffering and it helps create nightmares. Nightmares you will feel and remember in the morning.

    Just like my mom says, how my parents always remind my how good I have it. And the question that has always hung in the air when I was institutionalized "why are you doing this, there is nothing wrong with your life."
    And they are right

    When I was really young around age three I self harmed and because I wanted to die because I didn't think my parents loved me and to punish myself.
    I started cutting six years ago to balance the pain from inside to the outside, to see if I could feel pain because I felt so numb. To see the blood, and let me know I was still alive.
    Now I do it to make the horrible person that I am feel something I actually deserve, to punish that disgusting, selfish, grotesque thing that looks back at me every time I go near a reflective surface. I still do it to punish myself still, to not feel numb, to balance the pain from inside.
    It's not like someone is ever going to care and look at me without being repulsed anyways, so its not like the scars make me look any worse.
    I am such a coward to not be able to cut deep enough, nowadays when I see the blood, I see all those images again, and I feel sick (sometimes have an anxiety attack) and at the same time want to hurt myself even more.

    I wonder if anyone hates themselves so much so they hate everything about themselves, they are disgusted at living inside their own skin, thinking their own thoughts (in my case, where applicable), even looking or touching their own skin is revolting. Hating not just the flaws and imperfections or blemishes, but their whole body structure, face, hair color, eye color, genetics, height, weight, race, gender, thoughts, feelings, actions, limits, accomplishments (what accomplishments?), intelligence (lack of), stupidity, everything they are, everything they were, and everything they will end up being, everything.

    Someone who would rather be anyone but themselves, anything but themselves, everything but themselves.
    3 people like this.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Astrid112, I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering but self-harming is not the answer. You are just hurting and I can understand your pain. It does not matter what you look like but what count more than ever is the what's inside. I understand the aspect of hating yourself, as I hate myself for the pain I have caused in the past. You have to remain strong and no doubt that is a struggle everyday. I struggle everyday like you and please do not think you are struggling alone. I sometimes that I walk among human beings as the most lonely person on this earth but I very much transparent as no one takes notice of who I am and what I do.

    You have to remain strong and fight your demons from within, no matter how much you are mentally and physically hurting. Please remember all of us here struggle each day in many ways and we support each other. Please use the alternatives self-harming techniques such as ice-cubes and elastic bands. I use the elastic band which truly saved me from doing the final commitment and still does everyday.
  3. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Well-Known Member

    Thank you for responding
    I hate everything on the inside too, I hate everything I am.
    I'm so tired with living with myself, its disgusting.
    I know what that feels like, most people pretend I don't exist and just totally ignore me, so I just live in total silence, and silence is maddening.
    I've tried other self harming techniques, ice cubes don't help or do anything because I don't feel anything at all, same with rubber bands, I feel a little pain and its gone instantly or I just don't feel anything at all.
    I'm still trying to hold on and its failing, I don't know what to do anymore.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you for replying. I am like you in many ways as I to get ignored by many others. I get the silence treatment on a daily basis. Like, you I struggle but I have the determination to live. I strongly suggest that seek a help of a therapist and talk about your feeling. The self-harming process to yourself does not help. There other alternatives are punching a punch bag, squeezing a stress ball, smash a water melon, okay music loud and dance hard. You have to act on your feelings with alternatives. Also, use the diary function to express your feelings as it will help you.
  5. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Well-Known Member

    I have no reason or will to live. I've been treated this way since I was a child, and when my dominate personality is apathy, I just don't care, because I know it is never going to change. I really want it to but I know better. It's not going to happen no matter how much I try or hope or anything. It will just get worse.
    I've had therapists in the past but they don't listen, after all, I'm just a dumb kid what would I know? They dont care, it doesn't matter what I feel they just tell me it's wrong or I'm being manipulative or willful... etc. Talking does nothing becuase I really don't know what to say anyways and I'll just end up humiliating myself as usual. I don't have the normal, simple capabilities others take for granted. I don't know how to express in a normal fashion if at all, no on will listen to me, it's totally in vain. I don't know what I'm supposed to want or need because no one has ever asked or cared. So I just don't do it anymore, if I ever did do it. I don't know how to ask for help. I know if I did I'd end up with people assuming more willful behavior and not caring or not listening to me. After all, I'm just a kid what do I know. I should just shut up and say nothing. I can't seem to make anyone understand or care, I can't get anyone to listen, because no one even wants to. It's useless.
    I've tried those activities in the past and they do nothing for me, I don't have the energy, and not the amount of anger needed. I deserve to be in pain anyways, I need to be in pain to know I am still there.
  6. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Well-Known Member

    This stuff is getting worse.
    I cut so much yesterday.
    I couldn't feel anything and I think I had a panic attack sometime after or something like that, I vaguely remember last night at all. I must be totally crazy.
  7. "Just like my mom says, how my parents always remind my how good I have it. And the question that has always hung in the air when I was institutionalized "why are you doing this, there is nothing wrong with your life."
    And they are right

    Negative. Your parents are incorrect. They are abusive. If I had a daughter, and she was institutionalized, the last thing I would ever utter out of my mouth to her would be "how good she has it" and "there is nothing wrong with your life." You need to stop punishing yourself because of their actions. You are not the one responsible for this - your abusive failures for parents are the ones responsible.

    What is your body structure, hair color, eye color, and height? Weight is impolite to ask, but if you have some love handles, that's fine. Being a good wife and mother is more important than being a model. What is your race? Shall I assume you are White? Seriously? You hate being White? Moving on. Gender? You're a female. Females get pampered from the cradle to grave, if they play their cards right. Except you've been delt a terrible hand. The first two decades of your life were shit, so find a good husband who will make you glad that you were born for the next seven or more decades. I believe you're intelligent - which is important. You're currently attending a public indoctrination instution, correct? My children are never going to attend any atrociouis public "school," and having a mama who is smart enough to homeschool our children is of the upmost importance.

    Fuck your parents. I would advise that whenever possible; leave and never speak to them again. That is what I will be doing. I will never speak to my parents after I leave. I will not be by their deathbed, and I will not attend their funeral.

    You need to get away from the people who are causing you problems. "But, my parents fed me, clothed me, took care of me..." Irrelevant. Prison guards do that to inmates as well. You are not going to be able to fix them because you are their child. And it is not your responsibility. One of the primary obligations of the husband is to protect his wife. Do you really expect your man to let his female see, or even be in the presence of her abusive parents? No. It's his responsibility to keep abusive and dangerous people away from you.

    I highly recommend reading a free book called Real Time Relationships by Stefan Molyneux.

    Here's an excerpt:
    "Sheila has low self-esteem because she believes things that are not true about herself and others. She remains insecure because she is actively preferring short-term gains to long-term gains. For instance, if she has an abusive father, but stays in touch with him, then she is choosing continued abuse (long-term pain) in order to avoid the anxiety of confrontation (short-term pain). Since Sheila has developed an 'avoidance mechanism' for dealing with her anxiety, inviting a man of true moral courage and integrity into her life would be a disaster for her illusions. Such a man would immediately see that she was being abused by her father and would care enough about her to encourage her to either improve her relationship with her father or get him out of her life. (A wiser and more experienced man would know that she cannot improve her 'relationship' with her abusive father, which would be even more anxiety provoking for her.) If Sheila chose to continue her relationship with her father, a moral man would realize that she is habitually sacrificing ethics, virtue, integrity and self-esteem for the sake of immediate anxiety avoidance. This means that throughout her life, abusive people will forever control her behaviour, and she will continually sacrifice the good people around her for the sake of appeasing the evil or corrupt people.
    As Sheila and Bruce begin to make decisions about their lives together, they notice that their lack of boundaries is beginning to cause real friction in their negotiations. Also, since they have spent so much time having sex instead of learning how to actually communicate with each other, they find that their level of commitment is far ahead of their ability to negotiate. They have bonded out of euphoria, neediness, relief and hyper-sexuality, rather than mutual respect and regard for one another. At this point, the woman generally becomes less sexually available. The reason for this is the underlying low self-esteem that caused the hyper-sexuality in the first place.
    Since she had little intrinsic value to offer Bruce initially, Sheila substituted sex for self-worth. As their relationship progresses, however, and the sexual euphoria wears off, she begins to feel resentment towards sex.
    As negotiations about mutual living arrangements, sexuality and social life become more and more difficult, it also becomes more and more difficult for Sheila and Bruce to retrace their steps and figure out where they went wrong at the beginning. For instance, as Sheila’s resentment towards sex begins to rise, she will tend to make up excuses as to why she doesn’t want sex – and those excuses are not designed to fool Bruce, but rather to fool herself. She will claim that she is tired, or that she has to get up early. She will snap that he is only ever interested in 'one thing,' or that she doesn’t feel 'close enough' to have sex, or that he is doing a million and one things wrong, which is killing her sexual desire, and so on. The truth of the matter is that she is making up stories – inventing 'sinners' – in order to avoid the truth about her own growing repugnance towards sex. If Sheila were to speak with total honesty, she would say something like this:
    'Bruce, I had a lot of sex with you early on because I don’t feel like I’m worth much of anything. The fact that you were willing to have sex with me despite the fact that I was manipulating you tells me everything that I need to know about your level of integrity, and capacity to love. If you really loved me, you would not pressure me to have sex when I feel depressed. If I were really lovable, I would not have used sex to create artificial value.'
    The end result of this kind of conversation, of course, is the termination of the relationship – which is why it is so studiously avoided, and a million distractions are invented in order to avoid that core reality."

    This is the most important book you will ever read in your entire life, so read it - especially the portions on parental relationships.

    (Note to administrators: This likely constitutes "necroing" a thread, however I have a very terrible and detestable weakness - procrastination. I have been meaning to create an account to reply to this particular thread for quite some time, so now I shall stop procrastinating about procrastinating about procrastinating about procrastinating while procrastinating to stop the procrastination. I am now satisfied, give me a black mark if you wish.)
    3 people like this.
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thanks for the recommendation. It sounds like book I need to read as I also suffer low self-esteem issues. Be safe my friend and take care.
  9. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Well-Known Member

    Thank you, I have since I was 8 wanted to leave and not live with my parents anymore, even tried running away. I have know since I was 4 or 5 that me and my parents would be estranged, as I have wanted to live in another country since I was 3, but now I'm willing to do just about anything to get away. I start college next year hopefully I will be away from them long enough. I remember that when I was ten or eleven and still had the ridiculous belief of having children or any kind of a family, that I would never let my mother touch my children, I don't even like her touching my pets.
    My body structure is a small-framed mesomorph, I have brown eyes and ugly brown hair, white, and I'm 5'4''. And I highly doubt I'd ever have any type of man who would even want to take care of me, I cut out that impossibility before I was even a teenager. I have no friends, I'm ugly and homely, that's probably the reason I can't even make friends. Sure, I've been told that I am "beautiful" before, but its just words.
    Also, I liked the "public indoctrination institution" I couldn't agree more, and I'll look into that book you recommended it sounds interesting.
  10. partylpoison

    partylpoison Active Member

    I feel so much the same as you. I feel kinda helpless..
  11. It is a book that will permanently change your life.
    "True knowledge reduces our anxiety, because true knowledge allows us to predict consequences, accurately manage cause-and effect, and thus gain some objective measure of control in our lives.
    Thus, when we correctly view epilepsy as a neurological disorder, we can predict that attacks will occur in the future, we can examine the causes of these attacks and develop medications to prevent recurrence – or at least manage the symptoms.
    Even if we cannot control epilepsy, understanding that it is a neurological disorder at least reduces our anxiety with regards to the unknown. Even if we cannot turn on the light, once we understand that the 'giant skeletal hand' scratching at our window is in fact a tree branch, our terror is sharply reduced.

    To me, suicide is the equivalent to the "giant skeletal hand" scratching at the window. I doubt that I will ever contemplate suicide again. A quote by Oliver Wendell Holmes summarizes how I feel quite well: “The mind, once expanded to the dimensions of larger ideas, never returns to its original size.” I know what the causes are, why it happened, and how to deal with it. Therefore, I do not feel compelled to take my own life.

    I hope this book helps you just as much as it helped me. When I was 13, I was exposed to doom-porn divorce statistics, "MGTOW" bullshit and judicial horror stories that made me extremely depressed. Then I became even worse off by reading degenerate "pick up artist" websites. I was convinced that I was going to die alone. I was born alone, and that is how I was going to die - alone. I erroneously thought that I would never get married. I would never be able to love. I would never be able to experience the feeling of being loved, and most importantly - I would never have anybody to ever love. So I should just go ahead and skip to the end of the show by putting a 7.62 into my cranium.

    I am appreciative of Mr. Molyneux for his book. Even though I doubt we would get along if we met in person since I am quite the Fascist. Nevertheless, his book has dismantled those misconceptions. I'll have to reread it again to refresh my memory.

    Whenever you finish the book; I highly recommend watching this series:
    The Bomb in the Brain | The True Roots of Human Violence

    I am glad you never ran away, please do not do that. You are in an extremely vulnerable state, and it will be very easy for predators to manipulate you. I hate thinking about what happens to runaways...

    Attending college will be a horrendous decision. If you want to learn something: do you go to college? No. A book will suffice. Universities are obsolete institutions. Universities were originally cathedral schools, established in the 10th-11th century, before the advent of the printing press which wasn't invented until the 15th century. So before this invention, the students would copy the professor's textbook if I recall correctly, which was worth a significant amount of money. Today, you can buy a used textbook for $80 or less. Is there something extra that you can acquire from listening to a professor, who you will likely despise because he is a Marxist yet has never resided in North Korea, that you can not get from a textbook? Is it worth becoming indebted? You're likely not concerned about the education, but the diploma itself. That is what employers want. Most of them anyways. And even a diploma won't guarantee you a career.
    Is a college degree worth the cost? You decide.
    Diplomas are like fiat currency - the more of them that are in circulation, the less they're worth. (There are full lectures and free college courses online, just in case you value the education more than the diploma.)
    I know your parents are awful, but I would never want to subject you to the modern university.
    Is there anyone here with a modicum of intelligence who still takes universities seriously? I would suggest a vocational school, but you're a female. Would you rather be a mother instead? That is the single most important and valuable thing a female can possibly be, and nothing can ever supersede motherhood.

    5'4" is the perfect height for a female. Short, small framed females are very attractive. The primary reason why females like their males to be taller than them is because it makes them feel more feminine, and that their male is more capable of protecting them. It's vice versa for males. A short female makes her male feel more masculine. She's more vulnerable, and is therefore in more need of the male's protection. We do enjoy being made to feel useful.

    You're White? I am also White. Since you are White, I highly doubt that you actually ugly.
    I have no friends either, but that's a deliberately conscious decision I have made myself. Really can't help you here. I doubt it's because you're "ugly." Either you have a horrendous personality, which I doubt, because I like you so far. Or it's more likely them, as in other people. As
    Jiddu Krishnamurti (had to Google his name, I can't remember that) stated - "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Befriending them would likely be detrimental, and a waste of time anyways. If you loaned me X, and I lost X, I woud make it up to you by purchasing another one of X for you. How many people do you know that would do that? Very few. If any.

    "I remember that when I was ten or eleven and still had the ridiculous belief of having children or any kind of a family, ..."
    I'll continue this via private message.
  12. Partyl, I am sorry to hear that. I felt bad for neglecting your post, so I decided to come back and tell you that if you want to, write a memoir to me. Writing memoirs are quite therapeutic. It helped me out quite a bit. They're one of my favorite things to read. And I will actually read yours. Doesn't matter how how long it is, although it may take me a while. And I'll give you gentle (to the best of my abilities) feedback, suggestions, and recommendations as well. By the way, I am quite the sociopath. Not in exhibiting antisocial behaviors, but in lack of conscience. Empathy is not my forte, so if I say something that hurts you, please inform me, then I can apologize and promise to you that I will not make the same mistake and hurt you again. This would be beneficial to me as well, because I could certainly use more examples of social interactions to assist with developing patterns for future interactions.
    A lot of therapist are appear to be quite shitty, especially the ones who suggest that you should forgive your abusive parents - they are the worst. Good therapist are hard to find, and I am not a substitute for a therapist. But what you need is confirmation. It's something I could've certainly used when I was at my lowest. Confirmation from another, different person, that what happened to you was wrong and it was not your fault. Having one person do that for you can make a world of difference. Just putting that out there.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.