Recently I've been having really really bad episodes of feeling low self-esteem, worthlessness and hopelessness. I am already doing SH but I've been having urges to go further and start cutting my face. I know its horrible but when I'm in these bad episodes its like I want to spite myself. I've been feeling like I'm unattractive and not clever enough and I don't have a nice personality to make up for it. My mood infrequencies are having such a big effect on my life, I've lost so many friends and I can't really fix the friendships until my moods are more stable, which I fear won't happen soon at all. So its gotten to the point where I actually want to mutilate my face. I think its a mix of my SH addiction, sadistic/violent feelings, want for attention but also, mainly, my want to spite myself. I want to brand myself. And its disturbing. I feel sometimes like if I had a facial scar I would be more interesting, people would be scared of me. That's ideal for me because I've started avoiding people but I'm also getting such violent urges that maybe it will be for the best? Anyway, I needed to let that out because I really do feel like its only a matter of time before I do this.