Cutting my face

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Tiger, May 12, 2016.

  1. Tiger

    Tiger Well-Known Member

    Recently I've been having really really bad episodes of feeling low self-esteem, worthlessness and hopelessness. I am already doing SH but I've been having urges to go further and start cutting my face. I know its horrible but when I'm in these bad episodes its like I want to spite myself. I've been feeling like I'm unattractive and not clever enough and I don't have a nice personality to make up for it. My mood infrequencies are having such a big effect on my life, I've lost so many friends and I can't really fix the friendships until my moods are more stable, which I fear won't happen soon at all.
    So its gotten to the point where I actually want to mutilate my face. I think its a mix of my SH addiction, sadistic/violent feelings, want for attention but also, mainly, my want to spite myself. I want to brand myself. And its disturbing. I feel sometimes like if I had a facial scar I would be more interesting, people would be scared of me. That's ideal for me because I've started avoiding people but I'm also getting such violent urges that maybe it will be for the best?

    Anyway, I needed to let that out because I really do feel like its only a matter of time before I do this.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi tiger, please seek help from a professional. What will happen when you DO want a good life and to make new friends? A facial scar is not going to help then. I understand your avoidance issues and anxiety but please, there are better safer ways to deal with these urges other than harming yourself. Calling a crisis line such as the samaritans might help (they help me a lot), eating properly, exercising, just in general looking after yourself and finding support around you. I enjoyed our little chat a few days ago, have a nice day and please see your school counsellor or any professional.
  3. Tiger

    Tiger Well-Known Member

    Hey Petal :)

    I'm supposed to be seeing a counsellor today and my therapist twice next week. I'm very lucky that I do have people to talk to about this and frequently but unfortunately, as I've been told by many professionals, there is a big difference between doing something and thinking something. I will tell them of these urges but unless I actually follow through with it there isn't much they can do other than tell me to 'stay strong'. My moods are so crazy right now that talking to someone twice a week soon loses its impact when I get low. Maybe I'll take your advice and call a crisis line when I feel bad but I don't know if I'll have the courage to do that (I hate talking on the phone). I'll also try remember the consequences but sometimes that just encourages me to do it.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi again, yes I can see the issue but don't feel like you have to do something harmful for them to listen to you. Tell them exactly how you feel and ask them for coping strategies and techniques, the best I can give you is to write it out or draw, call a crisis line, talk on here, phone a friend, please never act on the thoughts and always talk to someone when you feel the urges, I am sorry you are going through all of this it must be very difficult ((hugs))
  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I think that it is important to remind yourself that while there are things you can't necessarily control (e.g. your moods) you can still control what you do. You know that mutilating your face is a) not going to help anything and b) is actually incredibly insulting and disrespectful to people who have scarred or damaged faces for a multitude of reasons, none of them voluntary. You may not be able to control occasionally considering it, but you can absolutely acknowledge that it is an unacceptable thought pattern for yourself and choose not to indulge it. Similarly with your moods - you can't stop feeling like shit - feeling angry - feeling sad etc, but you can choose not to let your mood impact other people. I am sorry that you have lost friends but you can start to fix those friendships even if your mood is not stable by making a choice to not let your problems become other people's problem.

    Remind yourself that you are not powerless or a victim - you are in control of what you do. Urges are just urges, not actions. You are in control of your actions. If you feel like therapy twice a week is not enough then you need to have that conversation with your therapist and advocate for yourself. If you think that you are unsafe to be around people you need to communicate about that and ask for help to deal with it in a positive way instead of a negative way. You are in control of you - you can (and deserve to) make good choices for yourself.
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hi @Tiger

    Are you still having these urges? Have you talked to someone about this?

    You do not deserve to hurt yourself, at all. Have you got any healthy ways to distract yourself when these urges come? I find getting my hands busy usually does...

    I don't know if this helps you or not... but I did this to myself when I was your age... luckily it's healed somehow... but it's breaking my heart each time I see it in the mirror. I wish I had gotten help instead back then.

    Have you tried to work on your confidence and your body image with a therapist? Maybe that is something that could help you? Slowly learning to love yourself? It's something I've been working on myself... starting with finding one feature to like, and taking care of that... appreciating it... it makes it easier to look at my face in the mirror, at least I can try only focusing on those few features I've learned to like.
  7. concerned07

    concerned07 Member

    You don't want people to be scared of you trust me. I tend to walk around with a blank expression on my face most of the time. Very rarely do I smile or make eye contact. So because of this people just assume that I'm angry or don't want to approach me even though I'm feeling fine. At work I have had people tell other people that I intimidate them even though I do nothing.