Cutting, nightmares, worthless... Miserable

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sparrow91, Sep 16, 2014.

  1. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    I don't know it feels like this should be In crisis but I know there's people with more important things than me... I feel like this is venting too... Whichever... I haven't harmed in about 3 weeks... I'm falling apart and the first thing that comes to mind is a razor.. But then I see the scars I left on my body from last time and I get so frustrated... I want to harm worse than before and I know I can't, I shouldn't... I'm crying more than before, I feel miserable, now I think what's the point. Then I have bad bad bad thoughts and I won't kill myself.... I don't know... I can't. I hate myself. I hate this I hate everything right now and it doesn't matter, no one cares anyway... Maybe they do it's just feelings I know it's my brain playing tricks but what if it's not..
    Is cutting an addiction? It sure seems like it...
    I sound crazy but I just want too really bad... For reasons I won't explain.. I don't want to trigger anyone..
    I hate to say I'm crying right now, I'm crying and I can't tell anyone except for you guys
    No one understands but you guys but I still feel so alone
    Alone and miserable.
    Why struggle like this
    Cutting helps me forget, feel better and sleep! It helps me sleep can you believe that, I guess the stress just seeps away and I feel better enough to close my eyes.. I haven't slept very well for weeks.... With trouble getting to sleep and then waking from nightmares both just unreal or past events that hurt me... I'm irritated..
    People have hurt me and now I hurt myself what kind of bullshit do I put myself through... Is this all my fault? Is it my fault I feel miserable and want to harm??
    Am I really losing control when I cut myself? Ugh
    I'm having suicide thoughts, like I said I won't act on them but they are there.. Options I guess. Why do I have suicide thoughts if I don't want to die yet? I do and I don't..
    Maybe I should cut just a little, idk why I'm telling you guys, I just need to tell someone! I'm considering deleting all of this, but I'm forcing myself to post it, tooooo many times I have typed something out because I want help or to talk and I delete and say forget it..
    I'm tired of spiraling down and then flat lining like everything is ok then break down again and again .... It's amazing how I read old diaries of mine and I see the same shit I write now.. And I was 12 when this shit started..I was miserable then and now 12 years later I'm still miserable I still cut I still go down and back up. What the fuck! I never told anyone I started cutting at 12.. I'm sure some people figured it out but never said anything..... 12 shouldn't kids be all fluffy and cute at 12 and I was dark, depressed and quiet..
    I'm sorry this is so long I just need to talk, it's been to long since I've talked about anything.. I don't talk about what happened at a park one year when I was a kid.. I never tell anyone. I can't even type it it's so disturbing to me.. I hate that memory and it keeps flooding my sleep, that's where some of the nightmares have been coming from lately.. It comes back from time to time and I have a hard time dealing with... I know I should talk about it with someone but I can't I just can't... It makes my stomach sick... I don't even like to talk about how I was bullied.... Yeah yeah suck it up,, it's not that easy... When you've been crushed over and over and over again you can't easily take it out of your mind.. I still have scars.. How could I get rid of that it's like a memory permanently placed on my skin.. (These were not cutting scars but scars from being pushed, scraped etc from bully's)
    I can't talk anymore about this , maybe I can idont know right now.. It's crazy it's been years and it's still hard..

    Sorry it's long but thanks if anyone bothered to read it I appreciate it truly.. Now I'm crying again... Worthless then, worthless now
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are NOT worthless ok and you are not crazy You are in emotional pain and you are surviving the only way you know how.
    There are better coping skills one you can learn and therapy can help you ok change your way of thinking it can help you release the sadness in a safe way without harming you
    Hope talking here to us also helps release the sadness let the tears flow down that is healing in itself hugs
  3. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    you are not 'crazy' in fact so many people struggle with cutting. you can post how you feel. you are very normal.
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Not worthless, useless or bad a person at all. And not alone, at least not in those feelings and not alone in that they are undeserved. I wish I had words to help you feel better or to make things easier for you but I do not really have answers- but I did want to let you know I read it and wish I could help somehow because you are a good person - I have seen far too many or you kind posts and replies to believe anything different than that- you are a good person and I hope you have a better day soon because you deserve good things .... :hug:
  5. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    Thank you total eclipse, sudut, and nyjmpmaster.
    I'm feeling a little better after posting. Talking about it helped even if I didn't explain everything clearly... I appreciate your responses.
    Total eclipse, I'm really trying to change myself but old habits are hard to rid of. It's a slow process I guess
    Nyjmpmaster, I didn't think anyone paid attention to my posts, you're very nice thank you, I know you're a good person too

    In all your words have made me feel a little better thank you <3