Cutting urges (trigger)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by h0tshot, Jan 8, 2013.

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  1. h0tshot

    h0tshot Member

    So, i used to be a cutter and then someone saw the scars and cuts and put me in a mental hospital without even asking why. skipping to conclusions I lost my marbles and needed help. Well I stopped cutting for the simple fact this society is waaaay too judgmental and handles things with harsh punishments by follow statistics of how people act. I'm here to say that's not true. I cut because this world prays for a god to come then treats everyone else like an infection. I look left and right everyday and my hope for people is now diminished to nothing, even my own family who I would look for comfort in doesn't even provide me that.

    I was bullied by family and friends (since a kid i can only remember as far back as 6)
    I was told by people I would never amount to anything
    I was told I was always a burden and no one cared
    Constantly lied to and backstabbed to the point I where didn't need sharp objects to cut myself when I had broken pieces of my heart
    In time I developed a black hole that developed depression and insomnia
    I was in a car crash that messed up my spine for the rest of my life so i sleep in pain everyday!
    I couldn't dream anymore and sleep to me became rare
    I feel abandoned by friends and family and found comfort in music but sadly the pain got too great and not even music could help my soul screaming as it died slowly.
    The feeling I have today is one of numbness and focus like a walking robot
    My emotions slowly died as did everything i felt
    My girlfriend cried on me so many times because even she knew the damage that had been done was too great, so she left crying. It was the best choice and I'm glad she did it.

    As much as I want to cut just to release a little pain, I can't because then people become worse towards me and the punishments get more harsh because all of a sudden I have a mental Illness. Depression is caused when the host cannot handle the pain of he/she has been given and the tolerance scale is overwhelmed.
    I don't drink and I don't smoke, I work hard and i study, i don't cheat and the only lie I've ever told was "I'm okay and then smiled."

    The pain has gotten so great I just want to scream at the top of my lungs because it hurts so bad.
    death to me sounds like heaven right about now.
    I've been thinking about suicide a lot and well maybe it's the answer I need because at the rate things are going I don't know how much more pain I can take........ :'(
    All i wanted to do was sleep and I can't anymore :'(((
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 8, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: Cutting earges (trigger)

    Hugs to you hun if you want to scream top of your lungs then do it ok get into shower and cry but don't hold onto the pain hun ok that only hurts you
    I m sorry there is no one that understands hun we do here though so keep talking ok to us hugs
  3. h0tshot

    h0tshot Member

    Re: Cutting earges (trigger)

    I dont want to cry and the point of screaming is because it hurts so bad but it wouldnt work.
    nothing will have changed despite everything ive done and life would continue without me anyways.
    When you try to look for comfort on the internet from a stranger that should be symbol enough things are far worse then expected for some people.

    I literally cried my eyes out for about 4 hours and screamed so loud for as long as my lounges allowed me to.
    I still feel horrible and in fact filled with revenge and anger, but i dont care about other people so those emotions are pointless to me.
  4. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    Op, my back friken hurts all the time too because dumbass me didn't wear proper back protection. I was thrown off a motorcycle. You work, so I would recommend massage tharapy for your problem. It helped me out after my accident. Ice pressure or massages ate good too. Maybe do an ice bath then get a heating pad on the part that hurts for 20 min. That shit works.

    As far as the robot thing. Welcome to a consumerist society. People care about stuff instead of people. Its silly really
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