Cutting way too much...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Lioness, Jun 15, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Lioness

    Lioness Member

    I have been a self harmer for nearly 9 years, I wish I never had the urge to start. It's just gotten worse over the years. You guys probably know what I mean? Like you need more and more?

    I find it harder to talk to people because I worry them and my depression is just so bad that every day is a big struggle. My self harm seems to slowly going over to a suicide method, it's kind of blurring.
    I know what I do is dangerous, I need it to bleed a lot. Like I need to hit a vein, otherwise it is just making me more anxious.

    It hurts me so much when people worry, and when you start bleeding in the streets it is not very helpful.
    I am super scared to tell my therapist the whole truth because I am so scared of going to the hospital. I honestly would rather die than going there, so I kind of decided to die before I end up in hospital and don't get away...

    Anyone felt/ feels the same? I am so confused. So hard if you can't talk to people but you know you can't do it on your own and you just keep worrying people...
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so glad you shared this with seems you are making yourself worse to not go to the hospital...maybe, you can have a planned in-patient stay where you choose where and when, make a treatment plan with your therapist, and have the control that way...when someone says, "I'd rather ____ than go to the hospital", it means to me, they need the treatment...can any services be received on an outpatient basis? Also, if you are not disclosing to your therapist, s/he is only treating the parts you are willing to show, and usually those are the parts we are the least concerned with...can you build up the muscle to tell your therapist more of what is going on? Many of us who are SH or have done so, know we do it both for the 'release' and the control...for me, when I was young, I needed to cause myself pain because i could not control the pain around me and I felt I needed to be punished...the reasons may vary...I started at age 8 and know how obsessive the impulse can be...hope you know you deserve to feel good...welcome again and please continue to share with us
  3. Lioness

    Lioness Member

    Hey sadeyes!
    Thanks for the quick reply. If they understand I need the control, maybe. I am just so scared of taking the step to say how suicidal I am. I actually am not sure if I want to tell because I I would be in hospital I can't make the decision anymore. I can't get out of here. I don't understand, but I am kind of not feeling ready to be helped. Ut do you ever feel you are?
    I'm seeing a psychiatrist next week. I told myself I'll make it till then, but now it seems so hard and so long. A failed suicide would bring me exactly where I don't want to be. Life feels like a trap.
  4. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I appreciate that it can be a challenge.

    But has anyone considered asking you to look at what you do? Most ways that I'm aware of in regards to cutting require something that is not within human hands all of the time (therefore required to be picked up at least), which could be looked at alongside the reasons why, the addiction, and the psychological trap of believing that it helps. Having been one for so long, you know the basics that it's not beneficial, but is it truly worth it, when it spirals down into causing further disruption to life?

    That said, I concur with Sadeyes on the honesty side of things. You show what you want to show, the help may be different to what you want it to be. But you have to want to change what you do, in order to have a chance of working towards living (and by doing so, avoiding the risk of ending up in a hospital that you don't want to be in)
  5. Lioness

    Lioness Member

    Hello unimportant,
    I'm not sure i understand what you mean in the first part?

    I know I have to want help. I guess I do, otherwise I would stop seeing a psychiatrist. But my fear seems to be stronger. I will try to make it till then and be honest...
  6. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I think what I mean is, what actions are you undertaking when you actually turn to cutting? Not why you do it, not what you want from it, but what you actually do?

    A lot of ways to cut would require something you don't naturally have a hold of every second of every day (needing to be picked up to be used). But the initial release is like that of a drug - it's psychologically associated with 'feeling better' at that time. That's where the most common issue is, how people mistake self-harm as helpful, and needing more over periods of time to get the desired result, it becomes an addiction.

    But you would know from the 9 years of experiencing it - that it's a difficult addiction to break free of.

    In relation to others worrying about you, is it not more likely that they would be more inclined to worry about you more the longer and further you go down this path? You feel anxious that having others worrying about you is a bad thing. It's actually nice to have people worry about you, there's a sense of 'people do care' when they show the depth of worrying. On top of that, anxiety itself could be treated.

    I don't know your full situation, what you've tried or not. But at least you have a therapist, and seem to want to actively seek change, even by reaching out through your experiences on a peer-to-peer support site. We are more along the lines of encouraging people to live.
  7. Lioness

    Lioness Member

    Ah okay I see. Yes, I am very aware it is an addiction. That's why part of me doesn't want to give it up I guess.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.