Cutting.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by tiggersafire, Oct 27, 2009.

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  1. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire Well-Known Member

    While I was in the hospital, my mother had told me I could come back and live with her once I was discharged. I later found out that she had told my grandparents there was no way that was happening because I was so messed up. She doesn't want me around my little sisters. She accused me of hitting my sisters once, which I did not and would not ever do. She used to leave me to discipline and take care of them, so yes once or twice I grabbed their arm to take them upstairs to their rooms when they misbehaved because that is what happened to me when I was younger and I misbehaved, but I did not hit them. She told me my sisters were crying and could not talk for two hours when they found out I was in the hospital, and that how could I ever want to die when I had my sisters and family, and how messed up could I really be... She told my grandparents she didn't want me. It really hurt, I love my mum and sisters, and my mother always says I don't love any of them. I do. I was holding it together for almost a week after my discharge from the hospital... But I couldn't anymore, so I cut below my neck. It's totally visible to everyone at school. One of the EA's that works with me sometimes said I needed to stop, and that if I were to do it I should do it somewhere where no one else can see it. Another EA told me that I needed to stop hurting myself or I would be sent back to the hospital. I had swore to a friend that I would not do self harm anymore, and I broke that swear and I feel terrible for it. I didn't mean to and it wasn't meant to hurt that friend... I don't want to hurt friends. A lot of my friends were mad at me or upset with me for it. Everyone at school can see it, a few people even came up to me and said they knew they were cut marks. I feel like no one understands... My mother doesn't want me, and I keep having to deal with all these doctors that think I have different disorders everytime I turn around, and getting people to understand the syndrome I have without it looking like an excuse because it really and honestly is just an explanation, is harder than heck. I don't know anymore... It's confusing.
     
  2. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    I for one apologize for my actions that day. Anywho, I think you should have a long talk with your mother and get things straightened out. and if she reall decides she doesn't want you, at least ask her if you can see her for a certain amount of time in a given week. And a certain amount of time to see your sisters. That's not fair of them to keep you from the ones you love regaurdless if your mother wants you or not. And as for your mom not wanting you, I don't think it's that she doesnt want you. I think its that she doesn't like to admit that you are in need of some help. I think she doesn't want to have to see you and face the facts. I think she really does love you and know that you love her.
     
  3. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire Well-Known Member

    It's ok.. My grandma and I talked it out, she explained to me that people get mad just like I do and say things when they're mad that aren't always nice. I would talk to my mother but she doesn't really listen. She lets me see my sisters, she just doesn't want me living with them and she won't let me see them as often. And she avoids me as much as she can. I don't honestly know... I can't tell what other people are thinking I usually think that everyone thinks how I do. I don't know what she really feels, I like people to say what they mean and mean what they say so I can understand it and she knows that because she's reading stuff on AS to understand how to talk to me so I would imagine that she meant what she said. I think she's mad or upset that Meg has ADHD and I have AS or NVLD or whatever... It's a flaw in her life. She treats us both worse than my youngest sister.
     
  4. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    Could you have your grandmother speak with your mom about treating you all fairly no matter what disorder you may have? Because that blows things out of proportion when people do such things and it's completely disrespectful.
     
  5. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire Well-Known Member

    I can try... It's confusing because the doctors and EAs at school say my syndrome shouldn't and doesn't define me but Mum acts like it does. She heard the words "a form of autism" and I swear she hasn't talked to me hardly at all since, the most she talked to me was when I was in the hospital. I could ask Grammy to talk to Mum, I just don't know if it would cause a fight between the two of them... Ugh.
     
  6. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    well even if it does it would not be your fault. ^_^ and are you sure its not ADHD? What ruled that out? because it seemed the meds were helping you everything for like the whole time i've known you.
     
  7. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire Well-Known Member

    Let us go through the diagnosis list :) Borderline OCD, ruled out. ODD, still have it. ADHD, ruled out. Bipolar, ruled out. Social Anxiety Disorder, ruled out. Mood Disorder NOS, still have it. NVLD might be changed to AS. Ughh.

    But yeah the reason ADHD medicine helped me so much was because alot of people with NVLD/AS (they're pretty much almost the same syndrome) are hyper, impulsive, and innattentive too. The medicine just helps them calm down, think first, and concentrate like it would for people with ADHD. My problems go beyond ADHD, trust me. Do you remember when we looked up AS and said everything was me? Haha. ADHD can look a lot like AS and the ADHD medicines can help people with AS just as much as people with ADHD. My grandma might get my family doctor to put me back on them though, she's had enough, she said I was better controlled on them and this is stupid.
     
  8. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    well are the medicines similar? To where if you are put on those medicines it will help get you back to the kylene i knew last winter? on christmas break? idk I made up a time i know i had an awesome time with you! lol
     
  9. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire Well-Known Member

    There is no medicine specifically for AS/NVLD... Just sometimes people with that take stimulant medication. I took Concerta, then Strattera, then Concerta again. AS/NVLD is mostly therapy. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, idioms, expressions and sayings, when you have to figure out what someone means when they don't actually say it and they want you to read between the lines (whatever that means), that's all like a forien language to me. I hate change. I see the whole world different. I am very smart verbally but anything nonverbal is pretty much lost on me. Nothing is ever going to help that besides work, no medicine will help it. The stimulants just brought down my stress levels and regulated my emotions... I cut because I don't know how to put my emotions into words. The only difference was my emotions weren't as high and icky when I took stimulants. And btw during Christmas last year I think I was on Srattera which didn't help at all haha... It caused more cutting.
     
  10. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    You were on Strattera. I remember. Are you sure it didn't help? It really seemed like it did. I hope that you start to feel better and more Kyleneish again. I really miss times like those. But until you get feeling better again and get through this, I will be there to help you every step of the way. I'm sorry i get impatient with you sometime, but I just wish I could do more to help you and I hate to see you harm yourself. You're one of my best friends Kylene! I don't want anything to ever happen to you.
     
  11. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire Well-Known Member

    Awe.. I understand. I think. Strattera was horrible, it actually gave me thoughts about ways to kill myself. I was barely eating. I was crying a lot. It didn't help, Concerta did. I still have Concerta on top of the fridge actually.. Haha. Right next to the Trazadone for my sleeping. I'm trying, I'm seeing the doctors and everything. I understand that you lose your patience with me, everyone does, it's hard to have someone that has to ask to have someone explain something fifty times or that doesn't pick up on certain things. Or can't give good advice because of my lack of empathy and that I think based on logic instead of emotions. Or understand why you're upset. It's taken me a lot of practice to pick up when something's wrong or you're sad. I will get better.. I hope. It can't last forever. You're one of my best friends too.
     
  12. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    I can already tell you are getting better at picking it up because you noticed a couple times last week. and you noticed earlier today. You really are trying I know you are. And just understand that because we loose our patience with you doesnt mean we don't care. it just means we dont know how to explain it. or it gets difficult to see things from your eyes or something. we still do care. I promise.
     
  13. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire Well-Known Member

    I taught myself that when someone seems quiet or held back, they are upset or something is bothering them. I can only recognize when someone is upset or sad so far though. I mix up happy and hyper, frustrated and mad, etc. And I know. It's hard to see things like I do. You can read as much about it as you want but until you have the syndrome yourself it's so hard to always understand. It's hard to understand that sometimes when you're dropping "social cues" and I'm not picking up on them, I'm not doing it on purpose, I'm really not getting them. I'm not getting that you're getting annoyed or you're upset. And I know some things can't be explained, but then that confuses me which upsets you and it just gets worse from there. I know you still care. It's hard to deal with someone with AS/NVLD, just as it's hard to have it.
     
  14. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    A lot of times hyper and happy and mad and frustrated come hand-in-hand. If your happy, your going to come across as hyper. if your mad you may come across as frustrated. they are both reactions of the other. so they both seem, or come across as the other emotion. they are quite comonly mixed up. I'm understanding more from your stand point now, so I think I will be less quick to react and may actually understand and be able to explain more easily from now on.
     
  15. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire Well-Known Member

    That's the confusing part, when two emotions or reactions are so close. Then you never know which is which and it's harder to learn. Because apparently people can be hyper without being happy, and frustrated without being mad yet. Or you can cry when you're happy or smile to hide things. There's too many rules haha. It's so much easier when people just say how they feel and say what they mean and mean what they say. If you notice sometimes I randomly say I feel happy. I was taught to do that because it's an accomplishment for me to recognize that. It's hard to understand how things are for me, I know, but I try my best to explain. Just sometimes when we are in a stressfull/confusing/frustrating situation, me explaining makes it worse haha.
     
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