so i already posted i was having a tough time and it is upsetting me because it is just coming and going the last few days whereas the last few weeks it was consistently depressed/suicidal. i cleaned up my room a bit today and found a box of razors i was looking for last week or earlier this week, i cant remember. i've been lightly cutting my forearm to see how it feels and this is pretty much how i started with prescription meds until i finally OD'd on a bottle of muscle relaxers. i really need to see my doctor and maybe give him the blades or something but i have no way of getting or calling where i need to be. i am ex navy and use the va for my mental care stuff. the thing i dont get either is it was REALLY bad last year during all the major holidays and the depression tends to die down around this time of the year and pick up again around septemberish. i honestly think it is just getting worse, i have pretty bad social anxiety to go along with it that doesnt make it any easier. i've been feeling better today but i dont know why i started cutting myself like that? and if i was like i was 3-4 days ago i probably would have gone alot deeper because i got really drunk for the first time in 8 months, guess i'm glad i didnt find the blades then.