cuttung inside

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by poisonedresistance, Dec 10, 2008.

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  1. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    i used to cut on the outside, my arms and my wrists,, the scars just got horrendous. i was living with my ex-husband at the time and at first he egnored them, then they angerd him and he turned to violence to try and get me to stop. nothing new there, he always did turn to violence to get what he wanted.

    i just tried difernet ways of hiding it.

    at first i tried the soles of my feet, that was unbelieveably sensative, made me rush so much, took everything in seconds it did and helped to clear my thoughts, unfrost the window so to speak. but it got too painfull to walk.

    then i decided to cut myself inside,, where he couldnt see,,, it wasnt a decision i came to lightly, it was somthing that just happened one day,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,he hadnt been near me for a while anyway so i figured i was relativly safe. when he did bother finaly i had been cutting for a while but i managed to grin and bear it.

    now hes out of the picture and im with a new man, youd think things would be better,, in many respects they are,, i dont cut so often but somtimes i just cant help it,, i dont just cut, somtimes i resort to tearing, ripping. i wait till hes out and ill find somthing that will make a mess aof me.

    he knows. he doesnt condone it but he doesnt go mad about it.

    i dont know how to stop. thing is its getting progressivly worse, im really making a mess,,i want to stop but dont know who to turn to, i cant talk about i openly when my partner tries i just shy away and start a row. i find it impossible to verbalise what i do to myself, what i want to do to myself.

    i dream about it, i find myself going shopping looking for things that will 'work' on me.

    thing is,, i got my appointment for my pap,, i dont want to go, im terrified of what the doctor/nurse might say/do.

    i dont want to go,,, i might not go,, i know its important, a close family friend died from cervical cancer,,, but i cant bring myself to do it,,,
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    You should go to the doctors, they will then be able to help you in any serious damage that has been done otherwise things could get worse.

    As for cutting, do you work? cuz that would help occupy your mind for a few hours. Otherwise try other things to keep you busy.
  3. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    too afraid to go to the doctors, my ex is looking for any excuse at the moment and i dont want to give him one.

    i run my own buisnes,, have done for years,,,, doesnt help none,,, being busy wont stop me, it creeps in my mnind even when im out shopping.

    it infects my moods
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    You have to face the fear of going to the doctors, you might regret not going later on. It's your call though at the end of the day.

    Do you take any medication?
  5. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    nope,, ive been offerd but never took any.

    i dont even take asprin, i know i should go but im going to be asked questions, i know i am and i cant bear the thought of saying it out loud, it all seems too much before xmas, maybe i should leave it til next year
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Well you could leave it until next year or you could ask to be seen by your doctor in private rather than openly, so you don't have to say things out loud or risk someone else hearing what you say. They should understand and comply accordingly.
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