Why the fuck do I have to be like this? I just went from being a devoted Christian to an atheist. Again. I tend to play out this struggle about once every two or three months. I assume next I will do the Buddhist thing again. I do that one every two or three months too. Wherever I go, I end up back at the same place I started. And I never gain anything but more emptiness. I can't wait to die. I'm going to go hurt myself now. Maybe it will let me tolerate this stupid cycle a while longer.