Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by laura25hope, Aug 30, 2011.

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  1. laura25hope

    laura25hope Member

    I love and live with someone with an addiction. Although, it isn't an every day addiction. He cycles. He does really well, remains sober from his drug of choice, wants to have alittle more fun than usual and maybe gets alittle depressed about life's pressures and then BOOM... gets high. Then we fight, i want to leave with my daughter so she isn't subject to the fighting and drug abuse. It is a horrible cycle. Rehab would NEVER work for him bc he is capable of being clean for 6months or so at a time. There isn't any counseling that will really help bc they want you to be in a rehab program while attending. It's a difficult situation... I need him to WANT sobriety for our family. This time his promises sound alittle more sencere... but I am at wits end. I can't do this another time with him.

    I have been doing this for 3 yrs with him now... ive been nice... ive been a shoulder to cry on and listen...
    I'm just mean. TOUGH LOVE. NEXT MOVE IS OUT THE DOOR. Im hurt, im tired, im sick of it..... i feel like im the one with the addiction bc everytime a situation comes up where his drug is mentioned, someone offers it... i get scared, nervous, defensive, i hope he makes the right decission bc i know i cant do that for him.
    there is no shame in my game... this is MY family. I will straight up tell people if they wanna have "fun" they can do it somewhere else, get out, or don't even mention things drugs like that in our house please.
    Just a few nights ago me and my love were in an argument... he was worried and upset (as usual) about bills, life, work... I told him he was a pussy, to get over it, that's life! There are bills that need to be paid in order to pay them you must work. He chose this life, he bought this house, he bought that car. You choose your own destiny. If you wanna change, you have to make that change. There is no reason to be upset about it. He has the right to be stressed sometimes. But there is simply no use crying about it! No one feels bad bc EVERYONE has to do it. He told me i was 100% right.

    I am also very angry with his parents... I feel like they raised him to be the person that he is and it would be nice if i could recondition him. His mother babys her boys and, in my eyes, didn't raise MEN. They dont have two feet to stand on now bc of that up bringing. His father always played the friend role. Well... they don't need a friend they need good values and a father to teach them lessons. It took me yrs to see this. It's not something you would notice right away.

    That's all for now.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You cannot recondition anyone hun they have to change themselves and rehab get them to see that I do think he needs a residential stay that would get him away from you for awhile so you could breath and he will learn how to stay clean for life not just 6mths at a time He has to want to change and put the work into doing it NOT YOU hun
    IF you are being pulled under from his way of living time for you and your child to move on okay until he sees you are serious about leaving he will do nothing to change himself Take care of YOU and your child okay h ugs
  3. laura25hope

    laura25hope Member

    well the difficult thing is he would never quit his job and lose his home and car to go to a rehab. besides... no in patient reheb will accept anyone until you fail an out patient first. he would pass their drug tests all day every day.
  4. laura25hope

    laura25hope Member

    and... i do know i wil have to leave one day. i just feel it. i have come to terms with that...

    i know i will have to leave if it happens again
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Here a person has to show they have tried to stay clean and be clean for at least 2 weeks before going into a rehab program I hope he is able to get into a program on an outpt basis then even some councilling would help him
    I do hope you are able to take care of you in all this too hun hugs
  6. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Well - it depends what his drug of choice is.

    I'm guessing he is not just blazing a joint in the garden

    Kids in the home - smoke that in the garden - unless you got some locked den - smell-proof.

    Well - I enjoy things myself - but if I had a child - that would be different.

    IF this man is using something real hard - heroin - coke - crack - speed - or abusing prescription drugs or booze - or smoking epic amounts of marijuana - sure - he has to grow up.

    You want sobriety for your family so there is no real argument there.

    But I got to defend some drug users - men and women I know who raise families - have jobs, commitments and busy lives.

    Generally alcohol and cannabis are two which many use.

    Actually - I know a few mothers who will even go so far as to use some mushrooms when they come out in the UK - they do grow here - but its not for everyone really.

    Some men can drink and never be a problem.

    Some men can use drugs and win father of the year.

    It really depends what drugs - and I've got a lot of insight into this game - and know the sort of drugs which always bring problems.

    Drugs used to gain confidence are dangerous - speed - coke - that whole 'upper' genre.

    The opposite scale is the drugs that just zone us out - ones such as heroin - the classic drug of choice for many. Never used it myself - seen it hit the streets - was curious - so watched others use it - they were not forced - they were curious also but stupid - we all heard that heroin addicts would rob their own mothers funeral fund - well poor ones will - or rob someone else's cash and try to pass off not robbing the family as a moral victory.

    Heroin is TOO good. Anyone with depression who uses will likely get hooked fairly quickly. I think a lot of addicts have basic depression. But drugs have been used for thousands of years - and if anyone is really opposed to drugs influencing them - you got a lot of books to burn - and a lot of music also.

    BUT - as a mother - you obviously have a man whose drug use is a problem - and it worries you.

    Also - his financial woes. Well - I agree crying about money - at a certain level - is childish. Talking to you as an adult about finances - you are a couple (for now) and his duty is to be optimistic - but realistic also as you need to know what is there to spend for the kids.

    Well - my dad is a friend - but sure - he laid down rules when I was young. I was taught to be careful with money - which is easy - as I don't have a great deal to be careful with.

    Anyhow - let me know his drug of choice and it might be easier to help.

    I'm striking out a little - and do not think I am defending drugs. I'm a single man - I have children - my world - I know - is WAY different from yours - and I think I'd raise children sober - but would obviously deal with that from day one - as I don't hide that aspect of life.

    In fact - I don't even care about hiding depression - feel like 'coming out' like gay people do.

    But - we have no 'depression bars' - or 'depression clubs'.

    Well we have here!

    3 years may or may not be a long time to be with someone. If you talk - and share everything - then that's fine. But your here - you got a mistrust issue - and that mistrust is gnawing at you - it will destroy your love if its left to do that. But far worse - you got children - you got you - and that cannot be destroyed!

    So - you say he sounds more sincere now - and if he has taken to bicycling then - depending on the drug he uses - this sounds encouraging.

    But I got to say - addicts can sound amazingly convincing and sincere.

    If I was you - I'd buy a cheap drug testing kit - then have a nice long talk with him - tough love - sure - but follow this plan....

    Give him say a month to get sober.

    Make him swear on the kids lives. Sounds bad? Well - I'd swear on it - or just admit I was lying at that point.

    But - if you want to know the truth - then that is an option.

    It will allay doubts.

    Its easy to catch a lying man. So easy.

    Drugs? - simple.

    Cheating on you? - might be an outlay of a few pounds if we get into spy-ware - various cheap solutions.

    And if a man is not treating you nice - if he deliberately tries to make you less confident - and is always with the negatives - the writing is on the wall.

    Always give a man a chance though! We're not perfect and unless you talk to us - we might assume your happy and fine - and things are cool until we come back from the pub at 2.00am and she is holding a loaded gun and shouting "Were have you been?"

    But 3 years of chances - its dangerous at this point because like you say - he needs some tough love. The danger is your own capacity to love is being stretched. you got the kids - you got him also - but he should not be a problem in that regard - he should not 'tax' your mind any more than you 'tax' his. A shoulder to cry on has to work two ways - in fact its best if its the man offering the shoulder - but lets be real - sometimes we need one also.

    I sense you still love him - and maybe he should be here and we could have a chat - I mean civilised but maybe he has no mates who are actually going to tell him what HE needs to know.

    Well - I'm playing my guitar - its past 5.00am - but I'll always tire before my guitar - it's why I love it so much I guess.

    Good luck!

    Maybe get a guitar?

    Anyhow - give your final warning - drug test him 30 days later.

    Any hesitation on his stead - he is likely high.

    But - like I say - a lot rests on what drug he is on.

    Its your life - so your rules re drugs are acceptable.
  7. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    the parents of one of my closest friends are on drugs. surprisingly enough, he has not followed the same path -- quite the opposite -- he's one of the lucky ones. one of his parents is a recreational user but is mostly clean now, and the other is an addict. they've split, and he wouldnt have it any other way.

    there's no way to put it nicely: drugs can, do, have and will fuck up people's lives. i've seen it happen.

    you cannot personally change the way that others behave. he has to decide that he wants this for himself. you can change the way you react and the way you cope with it, be it putting up with it or leaving.

    how old is your daughter and is he the father? are they close? in all honesty i suggest you leave (you said it is kind of inevitable), but i have a very strong opinion regarding parents that take drugs. i would however also suggest that you don't cut all ties with him if its in the best interests of your daughter... especially if they have a good relationship.

    please look after yourself and your daughter.

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