i don't need responses to this. just kind of rambling here. never been interested in alcohol or recreational drugs. when all this started i set out to become an alcoholic. spent time looking into how to be an alcoholic, then picked up a fair supply. i failed the first day. alcohol and i don't get along well. i still give it a try once in a while, but i don't much enjoy it. can't handle being alone with myself. couldn't imagine anyone else tolerating my presence either. actually get the feeling others might prefer i disappear, i don't blame them. i used to be ok with me back when i had the ability to connect with life, when i had passions. i was the person to be around if you were feeling low and needed an uplift.. now, me alone with me, don't so much like that person. been trying a little self-medicating. perhaps see how that goes. think all i need is just a little courage. i wish i could do something and not fail, anything. some small thing. just one little something to maybe keep from feeling i utterly fail. sorry, there is so much inside of me and so little wants to actually be expressed and the parts needing to express, i'm not about to share with anyone. i don't want to be hurt. have enough pain. :sad: just alone, and right now alone sux. my own mind is not such a good companion for itself, and surely(quite obviously) not a decent companion for anyone else. i once laughed, readily, freely, and with ease. felt joy. love. i used to be hopeful, positive, upbeat..that is how i felt inside. sigh so, perhaps a bit of experimenting, maybe i can feel numb or?? feel something other than this? ease the sadness, loneliness, and pain a bit? lighten up a bit? we'll see how it goes. i'm not so good at figuring it out, dosing is complicated/can't vomit it up should i mess up, was definitely too much earlier, maybe too much might be better. what is there to lose? i have already lost everything including my own self. as if it would matter either way. as if i did.