Dad (FIL) is dying-I can't cope anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by inkspring, Sep 7, 2010.

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  1. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    My father in law is dying. We just transferred him to Hospice House today--minutes from our home. We've been dealing with handling his care and affairs for years now. We've had family come from all over recently, some staying at our house. Had to fly back from a weekend trip to NY for a wedding due to Dad having a stroke--bad. He's probably going to die within a week and niece & my husband's niece is gettig married in Seattle on the 18th. Our whole family is flying there. We're all close.

    I'm Bipolar--severe rapid cycling and desperately suicidal when I crash. I've only been stable for the past 4 weeks or so. I'm barely hanging by a thread--very low. Thoughts of dying are flooding back--not quite at the point of making the plan but the thoughts are starting again. I can't escape--my husband needs my support. I have no outlet for my feelings except here and my journal.

    I don't know what to do. I want to sleep forever but that isn't possible either. I need to go with my husband to visit his Dad--I love Dad too. It's so hard watching him die--his whole right side-face to toes is paralyzed. Can't swallow. Can't talk. He's trapped in his body & is 90 years old with bad kidney disease & severe scoliosis. Even if he could recover a little, it would be a horrible state for him to have to linger in waiting for the inevitable. I know I have to face this and be strong for him and especially my husband. He has no other family here in FL and his sister is in another state--it's her daughter who is getting married in 11 days.

    How do I stop the my sinking mood swing--the dark thoughts of no longer wanting to face another horrible event in my life--watching Dad's suffering, my husband's pain and suffering. When my mood swings low I can't cope. My strength is sapped and I can barely hang on to the thread of my own life. Giving all my strenghth to helping my husband is sapping my ability to focus on focusing on positive things when my mood swing is crashing. This is an awful time for it to crash--the suicidal thoughts keep coming back and I need to keep trying to focus on positive things until this bipolar stage passes. If I fail, I'll be desperately suicidal and end up in the hospital again. I can't imagine how awful this would be for my husband during this terribly difficult heart wrenching time in his life. It would be just as awful for the rest of the family. Oh, God, how I need help. I need peace. I need an escape. I'm so afraid I'm going to let go of the last thread that's keeping me from crashing.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Then keep posting here hun. Let us help turn that thread into atleast a string if not a piece of rope!!!! I understand exactly how you feel when the lows hit. How they take over the control of your emotions, thoughts and even the very you deep inside. Use SF and the members as your escape and let us try to help you through this please.

    It's going to sound horrible but if you need to, bury yourself in helping your hubby and family right now. Dont think about you. Get swallowed up in your responsibilites to those people now and in the near future. I know, not a pleasant task to face or take on but it might keep you so busy that you wont have time to stop and think about your own thoughts.

    I certainly am one of those people that is always saying "look after yourself right now." But that is the furthest thing you need. Cuz then you have to fight the thoughts and urges. So instead put all that effort into helping those you can through this horrible family event.

    I know you feel like you havent got an ounce left to give. And that keeping busy is the last thing you want to do. Everything starts to feel so useless when those lows hit. Like the effort isnt worth it. But you are worth it. So keep pushing. Keep fighting. Keep busy. And keep posting. Get it out here , where you can and take all the support you can get :arms:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    your health needs to be looked at if you are feeling overwhelmed then reach out now to your doctors your therapist and get support you need to get you through all of it. If you need hospital stay so be it your husband would rather you there then gone he would want you to stay well. Death is always a very emotional time keeping busy like Itmahanh said is a good idea gardening working distraction from all the pain Reach out now okay so you can hold on take care
  4. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    I don't think you can, or should bury your feelings. Unexpressed feelings just fester until they explode. You are already grieving. Your husband is already grieving too...and you are in no shape to be his support system. You *have* to think of yourself. What about seeing a counselor? Him for his grief, you for your BP?
  5. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    Sweetie I know well what you are going through. My father died 6 months ago. By default I became my mother's emotional support system. No one else from the family was around to do this. I came close to suicide before my T began to tell me to distance myself from the situation. Staying busy is a good distraction, but you do need to take care of you also. As soon as you can take a day just for yourself. If you can not take a day, take an hour to decompress. No matter what we care. Please keep in touch.
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