My father in law is dying. We just transferred him to Hospice House today--minutes from our home. We've been dealing with handling his care and affairs for years now. We've had family come from all over recently, some staying at our house. Had to fly back from a weekend trip to NY for a wedding due to Dad having a stroke--bad. He's probably going to die within a week and niece & my husband's niece is gettig married in Seattle on the 18th. Our whole family is flying there. We're all close. I'm Bipolar--severe rapid cycling and desperately suicidal when I crash. I've only been stable for the past 4 weeks or so. I'm barely hanging by a thread--very low. Thoughts of dying are flooding back--not quite at the point of making the plan but the thoughts are starting again. I can't escape--my husband needs my support. I have no outlet for my feelings except here and my journal. I don't know what to do. I want to sleep forever but that isn't possible either. I need to go with my husband to visit his Dad--I love Dad too. It's so hard watching him die--his whole right side-face to toes is paralyzed. Can't swallow. Can't talk. He's trapped in his body & is 90 years old with bad kidney disease & severe scoliosis. Even if he could recover a little, it would be a horrible state for him to have to linger in waiting for the inevitable. I know I have to face this and be strong for him and especially my husband. He has no other family here in FL and his sister is in another state--it's her daughter who is getting married in 11 days. How do I stop the my sinking mood swing--the dark thoughts of no longer wanting to face another horrible event in my life--watching Dad's suffering, my husband's pain and suffering. When my mood swings low I can't cope. My strength is sapped and I can barely hang on to the thread of my own life. Giving all my strenghth to helping my husband is sapping my ability to focus on focusing on positive things when my mood swing is crashing. This is an awful time for it to crash--the suicidal thoughts keep coming back and I need to keep trying to focus on positive things until this bipolar stage passes. If I fail, I'll be desperately suicidal and end up in the hospital again. I can't imagine how awful this would be for my husband during this terribly difficult heart wrenching time in his life. It would be just as awful for the rest of the family. Oh, God, how I need help. I need peace. I need an escape. I'm so afraid I'm going to let go of the last thread that's keeping me from crashing.