It's one of those nights where my thoughts and memory just spiral... and I've hit one of the lowest points... crying over my absent father. In truth I hate him. (the version my mother has painted, to be fair) The story I know is that he was married, but got into a relationship with my mother, shortly after her mother died, and her father was actively suicidal, and died months 7 months before I was born... According to my mother he wasn't a bad person, he was older than her, and was kind... I have his eyes, his ability to tan naturally within 15 minutes on a summer day... His name might be Peter... (I overheard a phone conversation between her and one of her friends, and she said the words "No (insert my name) doesn't know... I do sometimes see Peter, but we don't really talk". I don't know any Peter's from her circles... But the story turns a bit darker... my mum fell pregnant, and some weeks ago my mum suddenly opened up about more of the story... she needed to vent a little, and I was the obvious choice... He ordered her to abort. She refused. So he told her he'd never be a part of our lives. My mum was heartbroken, but chose to have me regardless... Some years ago she told me that he visited her at the hospital the day after I was born, half dead even, and he refused to look at me. Not even once. It made her so angry that she told him to never, ever come back. It ruined my life. I know this is unfair to say... but he ruined my life. Everything leads back to him. My mother became bitter and took it out on me, turning both physically and emotionally violent towards me... I had no daddy to warn me about boys... I had no daddy to beat the shit out of the young man who raped me when I was 13, stopping him from seeking me out and forcing me to sit next to him on busses for years... If I had a dad, would I have let my 'ex' idiot abuse me and use me that way? Would I have ended up in prostitution? If I didn't have to grow up thinking I was unworthy of the love of my own parents, could I love myself? Could I sleep at night? If I had a dad the kids in school wouldn't have had that to make fun of... and even adults jumping the wagon asking a little girl where her dad was, and how come I had no dad... Not having a dad was always MY problem. I had to pay the price. I was the alianated disgusting bastard child. And him? I bet his wife never knew, I bet he lived a sweet life... apparently he was a business man and not too bad off. He never sent us a penny. I've gone hungry as an adult, had to get clothes from mum's friends when their kids grew out of them when I was a kid... had to consider going back into the prostitution my ex forced me into, just to pay rent... But I guess he was never able to forget that somewhere out there he had a child running around... If he wasn't worried about me, I at least hope he is stressing about me suddenly showing up ruining his 'perfect life'. I won't. What could I even get out of that? And honestly, I don't want to hurt his wife, and if he has kids, them either... It's not their fault. I don't even want his cash... though I've thought about blackmailing him, if I had an address... but seriously, he's not worth it. He doesn't even deserve to know I'm alive... he's had 26 years.