I've read through many posts and realize I am not alone in suffering with suicidal ideation and depression. I'm in therapy. My psychotherapist is very spiritual so we also include God in our sessions. But when I am alone and just think about my life... I have reason to go on but no tangible motivation. I don't see things working out or getting better. The more I try to "do good" the more I realize how messed up I am. I don't think my psychotherapist fully understands my struggles. I'm often told things like "you're a lot better than some of my other clients " "you're a better parent that many of my other clients " ... well that doesn't help me. I lack ambition, drive, purpose. It's like I'm just here for no other apparent reason than to be overstricken with despair. I pray daily, but how can one have faith yet have depression? Don't they contradict one another? Can they co-exist? Why am I here? I think I have been holding on just so I can get my affairs in order, which is taking forever because most days I can't deal with the cares & responsibilities of life & parenting. The constant thing in my thinking, is always death. So I pray for a terminal illness, maybe because I am too cowardly to just do it. I'm not quite sure. I can encourage others but find it very difficult to encourage myself. I'm not planning on offing myself but I do wonder if people plan ahead. I pray that all of us who are suffering find peace with God, even if it is sporadic, it may help us hold on a little bit longer.