Daily struggle

[Maniae]

I've read through many posts and realize I am not alone in suffering with suicidal ideation and depression.
I'm in therapy. My psychotherapist is very spiritual so we also include God in our sessions.
But when I am alone and just think about my life... I have reason to go on but no tangible motivation. I don't see things working out or getting better. The more I try to "do good" the more I realize how messed up I am.
I don't think my psychotherapist fully understands my struggles. I'm often told things like "you're a lot better than some of my other clients " "you're a better parent that many of my other clients " ... well that doesn't help me.
I lack ambition, drive, purpose. It's like I'm just here for no other apparent reason than to be overstricken with despair.
I pray daily, but how can one have faith yet have depression? Don't they contradict one another? Can they co-exist?
Why am I here? I think I have been holding on just so I can get my affairs in order, which is taking forever because most days I can't deal with the cares & responsibilities of life & parenting.
The constant thing in my thinking, is always death. So I pray for a terminal illness, maybe because I am too cowardly to just do it. I'm not quite sure.
I can encourage others but find it very difficult to encourage myself.
I'm not planning on offing myself but I do wonder if people plan ahead.

I pray that all of us who are suffering find peace with God, even if it is sporadic, it may help us hold on a little bit longer.

 

[Striking]

I feel you should seek out a new therapist immediately. If you believe you are misunderstood and are given judgments rather than insight then you already know this. You will feel a sense of loyalty and maybe guilt, which are normal, for trying a new one but you are in therapy for you only.

 

[Maniae]

Thanks for that advice.
I admit to possibly settling for this particular therapist, as my sessions are home based. I do not leave my home much so it's been convenient. But I agree that it is time to move on, but I hate the thought of having to leave home. *sighs*

 

[ThePhantomLady]

I agree, I think you should try looking for a different therapist.
Not all therapists work for everyone... and I hope you find someone good.

You should talk about finding motivation. Do you have any dreams or hobbies to look forward to and work towards? Things that you enjoy doing, rather than only doing things for other people's sake?

You should work on getting out more, I know that is much easier said than done... I'm a bit of a hermit myself... but the fact of the matter is that staying home and hiding yourself away only makes things worse in the long run...

Be good to yourself, you deserve that!

 

[Striking]

Thanks for that advice.
I admit to possibly settling for this particular therapist, as my sessions are home based. I do not leave my home much so it's been convenient. But I agree that it is time to move on, but I hate the thought of having to leave home. *sighs*

Falling into that anxiety trap is tough to break but you will do it. Try a routine change so that it keeps the build up from occurring.

What broke most of my fear when leaving the house was moving to a place with a garage. Sounds dumb but it allowed me that moment to stop the paranoid thoughts until it was too late to stop me.

If you have an option like changing how you exit your home, try it.

 

[Maniae]

@ThePhantomLady
@Striking
Thank you both for the suggestions.
I attend church on Sundays & some Wednesdays very sporadically. ... it's just really difficult.
When I have to leave even for dr. appt., my mind starts racing with all types of thoughts, phobias & paranoia.
I really dislike that feeling. ... go figure. ..
I do try though & will continue. .