Daisychains joke corner

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Petal, Feb 27, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Excuses For Missing Work

    * My stigmata's acting up.

    * I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

    * I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

    * I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

    * I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

    * The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

    * I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.

    * My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.

    * I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

    * I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

    * I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

    * I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish.

    * I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Wife And Husband Visit Doctor

    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die."

    Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
    At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
    For dinner, fix especially nice meals selected from his favorite foods and don't burden him with household chores or problems.
    Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every sexual whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
    She replied, "You're going to die."
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Ears Put Back On

    A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic
    surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of
    a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
    The new surgeon examined him, thought a while,
    and said: " Yes, I can put you right."

    After the operation, bandages off, stitches out,
    he goes to his hotel.

    The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon,
    and yells:

    "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."

    "Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference
    whether it is a man's or a woman's."

    "You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't
    understand a thing!"
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter


    1 Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.
    2 Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
    3 During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
    4 Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
    5 Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
    6 Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
    7 Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
    8 When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
    9 Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

    Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    10 signs your an Internet geek
    10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
    9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

    8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

    7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

    6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

    5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

    4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

    3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

    2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"

    And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

    1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer

    * 10. The monitor is up on blocks.
    * 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
    * 8. The six front keys have rotted out.
    * 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
    * 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
    * 5. The password is "Bubba".
    * 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
    * 3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
    * 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

    AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...

    * 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

    The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

    The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

    "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

    The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

    The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Which is harder to make: a blonde, a brunette or a redheaded snowman?

    A: A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

    A: You put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner.

    Q: How does a blonde confuse you?

    A: She comes out and says she did.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress' name tag?

    A: "What did you name the other one?"
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.

    The blonde asked, "Are you going to set it on fire?"
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Q: Why did the blonde take more than one pregnancy test?

    A: Because she slept with more than one guy.
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    George W. Bush is sitting in the White House kitchen putting together a puzzle and having a very difficult time of it. The first lady comes into the kitchen, and asks what he's doing.

    Very frustrated, George says, "I'm trying to do this tiger puzzle, but I can't seem to make the pieces fit right."

    Laura Bush sighs and says, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box, dear, and come to bed."
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."

    Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.

    Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."

    The little man says, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.
  16. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Q: Why are people so scared about the current administration?

    A: Because we're being ruled by a Bush, a Dick, and a Colin.
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Dick Cheney, President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.

    Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

    Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

    Donald Rumsfeld says, "Of course, I could throw a hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

    The pilot looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
  18. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

    Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

    The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

    George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

    The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

    George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

    The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

    Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

    The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
  19. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard.

    Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean up the air."

    Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Can't we agree on it? Can you spell "Is" and "We"?

    The boy spells out "Is" then "We" on the blackboard.

    "My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees tall. If fact, they already did. Can you write, "tall" and "did"?

    The boy writes the words on the blackboard.

    "Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the President?"

    The boys stands up and reads what he has written on the blackboard aloud: "The President is we tall did."
  20. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Trouble sleeping
    The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

    "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

    "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

    "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.