My calm has been damaged. I was doing rather well today too, until my dads wifedecided to make me feel like crap because i dont have a job and im on here basically all day today cuz xmas is a close second for worst day of the year beat only by thanksgiving. i just generally hate this whole time of the year. Besides that, im here to talk about how i was finally starting to realize things and maybe be able to start working on them again, but alas now im back in the hole i started in. My little hole of hopelessness, its small and dark but its mine and its been my home for as long as i can remember. Yes i leave it for brief times, but when i fall on my ass its allways their to catch me. However, today i was thrown back in just when i was starting to emerge. I have kinda blown off the last couple of weeks of job hunting, and i will until monday because i can, but she is treating me like i dont want to get a job so i can actually try to get my life on some kind of road. I dont know itsjust i know i need help but im quickly realizing that help doesnt exist. Nobody is there to understand me, not that i want them to i just want them to hear me, i know im to fucked in the head for any hope of being functional but at least i can pretend and put on my happy face and trick others to think that im normal. I cant even think straight anymore. I just want to feel whole for once, like im an actual human being, ive never known the feeling. Plz dont respond to this if you dont want to, or if you cant think of anything that would help, like i said i know im beyond help. I dont want anybody to feel they have to respond to this or any of my posts. How can i be sooo up and down, i mean literally one second i can give words of advice or some kind of something and the next i need to taste blood and see myself bleed like the creature i am. I can feel fine and not think of suicide for a whole day but then as if to make up for it i contemplate for days on end, but i cant act on it or ill be one final disapointment to the family and i couldnt die with that on my conscience, but i cant stand this life of constantly dissapointing anymore. Grrrr. its soo agravating and now im bleeding again.