Damaged Calm(Possible Trigger)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by whytryanymore, Dec 26, 2009.

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  1. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    My calm has been damaged. I was doing rather well today too, until my dads wifedecided to make me feel like crap because i dont have a job and im on here basically all day today cuz xmas is a close second for worst day of the year beat only by thanksgiving. i just generally hate this whole time of the year. Besides that, im here to talk about how i was finally starting to realize things and maybe be able to start working on them again, but alas now im back in the hole i started in. My little hole of hopelessness, its small and dark but its mine and its been my home for as long as i can remember. Yes i leave it for brief times, but when i fall on my ass its allways their to catch me. However, today i was thrown back in just when i was starting to emerge. I have kinda blown off the last couple of weeks of job hunting, and i will until monday because i can, but she is treating me like i dont want to get a job so i can actually try to get my life on some kind of road. I dont know itsjust i know i need help but im quickly realizing that help doesnt exist. Nobody is there to understand me, not that i want them to i just want them to hear me, i know im to fucked in the head for any hope of being functional but at least i can pretend and put on my happy face and trick others to think that im normal. I cant even think straight anymore. I just want to feel whole for once, like im an actual human being, ive never known the feeling.

    Plz dont respond to this if you dont want to, or if you cant think of anything that would help, like i said i know im beyond help. I dont want anybody to feel they have to respond to this or any of my posts. How can i be sooo up and down, i mean literally one second i can give words of advice or some kind of something and the next i need to taste blood and see myself bleed like the creature i am. I can feel fine and not think of suicide for a whole day but then as if to make up for it i contemplate for days on end, but i cant act on it or ill be one final disapointment to the family and i couldnt die with that on my conscience, but i cant stand this life of constantly dissapointing anymore. Grrrr. its soo agravating and now im bleeding again.
  2. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    So im done i give up. screw it all,its not a lack of ppl trying to help its more of the fact that im helpless,hopeless, loveless, worthless, etc.. dont know whats gonna come in the next few days but they will bbe interesting to say the least.
  3. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier, I read your post and just felt helpless to say anything of any use to you. I guess that if you have days when you think you can start getting things sorted, then it's worth holding onto that and weathering the bad stuff - even though it sounds as if you're not getting very much (if any) support from your family.

    And boy can I relate to a stepmother who nags on about getting a job - don't know if you're in the same situation, but mine timed it really well, firstly when I was in the middle of university exams and secondly when I was really really mentally in a bad place (I got a job by the way, and one week later was in psych hospital). It's one of the most effective guilt trips anyone can come up with - try not to let it do your head in too much, if you can. :hug:
  4. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    im just supprised someone actually responded.i think what i have to say either scares ppl, or they like you just are blindsided by my lunacy, they dont expect it from a 21yr old. My entire life ive let ppl down and dissapointed them now its too much but the guilt of knowing that id be dissapointing them again by suiciding keeps me from at least open methods of it. is it bad when the only support i have is this forum?
  5. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Lunacy? I'd call it pain. And as for this place being the only support - join the club (only lately I've found myself a good therapist, so my support system has just doubled.)

    I don't know if you've already told much of your story - but if you haven't, that might help to just tell the world (us) what it is that's going wrong in your life, how you feel about it all. Why do you think you've let people down all your life? It sounds to me like your family aren't being as supportive as maybe they could be - or am I wrong? Please keep talking.
  6. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    She doesn't think you're trying hard enough to get a job and she probably thinks of you as pathetic for not having a job at age 21. I think it might be her way of helping you, she wants to make you feel bad about yourself so that you try harder to change yourself. No wonder you feel pathetic and unworthy. You're sensitive so she shouldn't go about it that way.

    You are trying to do something about it though, so don't give up, I think you should just ignore her, don't let her bring you down. As long as you know you're trying your hardest what other people say shouldn't matter because you're already trying your maximum. I suggest you talk to her if you want her to stop, tell her you're trying your hardest and that her making you feel bad about yourself isn't helping or motivating you.
  7. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    Thank you bolth for the input. I have told most of what has happened to land me here but i dont remember where the post is located. And TWF, not to seem as though im just blowing off your advice but ive tried talking to her and she just brings itonn more, i cant ignore what ppl say about/to/or of me i dont know if i have said it before but i am the kind of person who does anythig and everything to make everybody elses life easier and my needs allways come last. I dont know what im trying to say anymore all i want to do is just go hide in the corner and cut/burn, anything that causes some kind of feeling. Its too much to take anymore,, but somehow i just keep on goin, Just found out the one friend i had that could have helped me cuz she was in the same situation im in kinda, doesnt care anymore. How much more untill i cant move anymore
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2009
  8. dont belong

    dont belong Account Closed

    hi, i know where your at because im there myself at the moment, feeling like your constantly letting people down even though you are trying, that your a dissappointment or failure and there is nothing worse than that to knock a persons confidence or motivation. It makes you feel like there is no point in trying as you will only fail in the end anyway.Im going to be honest, a lot of people can bounce back from these situations with the right support and a bit of patience. I on the other hand arent one of those people, as i crossed the line for the last time on christmas day when i got arrested, now my whole family are disowning me and i now have nowhere to live starting tuesday. Talking does help ease the pain for a little while but it isnt a solution, if you want something done then actions have to be taken in order to get anywhere in this life.
  9. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    God i wish i could feel. Mayne then my parents wuld start believing i was ok when i told them. Im tired of ppl knowing how i feel its easier to go on when i dont constantly get asked how im doing today, or if im feelin ok. Why dont they just stop.

    I cant cry as much as i want to its almost like im a robot. i hate myself for bringing others into my life. i shouldnt have ever done it. nothing good ever comes from it i just let them down.
  10. Android

    Android Well-Known Member

    Have you tried maybe talking to your dad about how you feel regarding his wife? I dunno if this is your actual mother or not, but if it isn't, she doesn't really have a right to act like your mother. You don't -have- to listen to her or acknowledge she has any authority in any way.

    btw: Please don't be offended, but wife seems like a total bitch and she needs to get over herself. there are different ways to go about "motivating" people than making them feel like utter shit on the bottom of someone's shoe.
  11. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    It doesnt matter what i say even if im just telling him the truth about the matter, she is the best thing to happen to him, but she is trying to make his family detach from him. We had a huge fight the other day like monday night i think but what it came down to is both my dad and his wife, who tecnically is my step mom, feel exactly the way i thought they did. They are dissapointed in me, they hate the things i do and how i do them, my father hit me and basically told me to fuck off that what i did had pissed him off soo much. I cant remember everything my dads wife said because by that time i was trying to asphyxiate myself so i wouldnt have to actually hear it from the mouth of the ppl who are supposed to help me no matter what that i AM worthless and hopeless and confirmed all my beliefs of myself. But their was one good thing that came out of that, i felt a pain like i never have and had it not been for a buddy i would have jumped off an overpass that night. But im still questioning his intentions on still hangin around me.

    That night i got a couple bucks and went to a bar and drank for a few hours thats all i txted him and told him i was just hangin with a buddy but he still flipped out. I know i was wrong in the fact that should have never went to the bar, i should have taken that money and spent it on something usefull but all i want to do anymore is forget that i live such a shitty life and that nomatter what i think or may be able to trick myself into believing for a while i have nothing left other than to be a stepping stone for someone else.

    I love the taste of blood.
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