damaged goods

Discussion in 'Bullying and Violence' started by Louis03, Apr 24, 2010.

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  1. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    Hello everyone,

    I... was bullied, I was humiliated. Goofed on, made fun of, called names & nicknames. Because I was shy, because I was a sheltered kid, because I thought they where the cool crowd, because I wanted to fit in, because I didn't know, because I was weak. I was well into my teens, I was already a man I should have been able to defend myself but in my mind I was an innocent child. And thinking about it, before that, all throughout my life I could recall times of being "bullied".

    I dread meeting people who have seen me in those worst moments with no dignity. My spirit is broken. I look at people who are happy and confident, no care in the world, and it fills me with such a pain in my heart. That could have been me too but not anymore. I look at them and I think "you feel good about yourself but it is by chance because you too could have been broken by... life".

    Oh God... I feel bad inside, I feel I don't deserve anyone to love me, don't deserve to be happy. They made me this way and now I don't think I can change it. I don't smile anymore. Now I grin a sort of leery, cagey, grin. I don't trust, I have "social phobia", I isolate myself - then I despair that I waste away and life passes me by.

    I'm not doing anything on this earth, sometimes I wish I just didn't exist anymore. I think about ending it. And my mother, I don't want her to live through that.

    Don't know why I'm writing this but I'm doing it so there must be a reason.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 24, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It must have been an awful experience (I know very well what awful childhood experiences feel like) but there also must come a time when you realize your worth...and you seem quite worthwhile...J
  3. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the comment and the compliment. You're right but it's hard to change how I feel. I can't get past the shame and the trauma and I have to accept it on some level or it gets too hard to bear.
  4. TriEdge

    TriEdge Member

    I know what you mean.

    I never fit in and was bullied and made fun of like crazy. No one cared. Teachers just turned their head. It makes me sick.

    It's difficult to just let that stuff go and move on, I know.

    The best thing you can do is forget about those disgusting people. Anyone that could harm another is such a way is a monster.
  5. Theseus

    Theseus Well-Known Member

    That is what I hate most.

    Considering I have a personality that holds on to grudges, I find it very hard to let go of the bullying. Even if it wasn't all that bad.

    I didn't go through any sustained period of bullying, there were a few episodes here and there during my school days but adults not caring has to be the worst thing about the whole bullying phenomenon.

    I enrolled at this out of state college in my teens. Bullying was sort of part of the culture there. All the students bullied the juniors. I cancelled my enrollment within twenty days and returned to civilization, but I remember the talk me and my dad had with the principal. He flat out denied that there was any kind of bullying going on in his college.
    A bunch of other parents we spoke to said stuff like 'it is the way of things' and 'we had to go through it too as juniors', some even going on to say it was all just a laugh and built better camaraderie between the students! I still have relatives from around the area the college was in and they try to crack a laugh about how I 'ran away' from the bullying everytime I visit. Fucking idiots. And it's their whole families getting in on the act. From 60 year old uncles and aunts to cousins my age.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 26, 2010
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope with therapy the damage of the past can be healed for you. I know how
    cruel people can be The thing is they were the ones with the problem not you YOu were a victim and you need to know you are nothing of what they said
    You are special you are important and you do matter and you cannot let these naive uneducated people take your life from you okay
    You go get help for you and get strong and well and you show them all and yourself that you are so much better then all of them so much better
    hugs okay you deserve healing please get some for you
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Aside from getting therapy to try to undo the damage, how about learning a martial art or boxing.
    Not suggesting you go out and beat peeps up, but the confidence it gives to know you can handle yourself is priceless.
    I took up martial arts after someone tried to rape me, the confidence it gave me was wonderful and apart from laying some molester on the floor :tongue: I havent taken to beating peeps up. :biggrin:

    ps: and I'm female!!
  8. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    Yes, i think taking up a martial art is an excellent idea and what i would have suggested. Knowing you could wreck someone if you wanted is a good feeling and it can make people threats seem very small.
  9. Darkness Inside

    Darkness Inside Account Closed

    I was bullied big time. I got into Karate. Been there for 6 years. Been in over 30+ fights. Anyone who thought about calling me a name or picked on me, are beaten up. 10+ ended up in the hospital. My best/worst fight. Got tired of being called names everyday by this guy. After I was done with him... skull fracture, broken neck, major concussion. Coarse I hear a voice that wants me to hurt people in detail but still.
  10. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    hey Luis
    I know what its like, I think you need to build your self concept back, i have a feeling most of us that go tho stuff like this socially had a weak one to begin with but the bullying totally kills it.

    You think you have one but you know its defective by how bad it seves you and your needs.
    Seen ugly people, dumb people make it batter in life all because they have a solid self concept, they back stab at the right time they cheat and make it. your life is worth the fight. Its build emotionally so you can understand why yours is messed up.

    found this very useful:
    it also applyes to sexuality too

    link is about parents emotional abuse and the results , am still not sure whether self concept is damaged only by that but realized it applys to me from a extremely young age.
  11. Indian81

    Indian81 Member

    You are letting them win. You are giving them what they want. Every time you acknowledge yourself as an inferior lifeform, you are validating them. Get up and fight back. You control what you are.
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