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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cult logic, May 2, 2009.

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  1. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Well here I find myself again.

    Everything has gone to shit.

    Here I sit at 3:45 in the morning waiting to fucking pass out. Absolutely alone with only my self hatred to keep me company.

    What has it come to? Everything is going wrong.

    I came so very close to getting caught cutting myself.

    I have been taking humongous doses of sleeping pills for the past couple of days coupled with vodka just to try and fall asleep.

    It's beyond my ability to deal with it right now.

    My therapist can't help me because I can't let myself be truly shown.

    I would attempt right now if I could. But my pills of course never work for that.

    I need to cut myself but I can't or I'll get caught. There's nowhere left where it won't be seen.

    I'm at the end. I thought since maybe a razor is no good for cutting my wrists a larger blade might be easier. It's not a good way to go but what else can I do?

    I don't have a gun or anything. Wish I did.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 2, 2009
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Brandon,
    Don't give up so easy.. Get yourself back on meds and work with the shrink about what helps and what doesn't..I too was very suicidal but my shrink didn't give up and now has me on a regiment of meds to fight my different problems..So far they are helping..
    As far as therapy, if you can't open up then maybe you need a new therapist.. You have to find one you can bond with.. I have been seeing mine for four years and she is great.. We talk about what ever I want to talk about..I can see a difference in me since two years ago..Wish you all the best...
  3. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I'm still on my meds. They don't help me but of course they don't want to hear that. How should I know how they are making ME feel...

    I'm just not sure it's really worth it.

    I don't think I'm giving up that easy. Considering what I've been through I think I've made it pretty damn far.

    16 years of this has to be more than any normal person can take.
  4. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Yet again I lie awake with nothing but thoughts.

    Today is the big day.

    After my last attempt failed I set today as the date to do it.

    Maybe I will succeed. That way I'll have done something right for once in my life.

    Though I probably need a new method.


    Fucking damn it all to hell. Not like it matters.
  5. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    I have read many of your posts... you are CERTAINLY NOT STUPID!! :console:
  6. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure of this, not knowing what your sleeping pills are, but don't a lot of sleeping meds promote cycling. I do know that the only thing my shrink would let me take for sleep is benadryl. And valium. Henh. Anyway, if you are bipolar good meds are important, bad meds are deadly. Especially if you are rapid cycling. Get your med use under control if you can, or rather as you can, and I hope the cycling will reduce in severity. <Not a doctor, just a patient.
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member


    i've been reading your posts.

    why can't you let yourself truly be shown to your therapist? what kind of thoughts are you having , if you want to share them here..?

    you sound very trapped. your ODs aren't working, and the cutting isn't working. it sound frustrating, and i hear your frustration.

    why do you hate yourself?
  8. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Because if I say anything about being suicidal he's gonna have me locked up.

    Plus talking about that in real life makes me extremely extremely uncomfortable and I'm basically compelled to deny any sort of feelings to get out of the situation.

    Why do I hate myself? Because I've failed. Never done anything right, no matter how hard I try. Name something and I've failed at it.

    50 more years of this? Hell no.
  9. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    pfft, try parlizing with fear when life challenges you and becoming primal when people challenge/hurt you and not getting in shape to fight back. then u can say ur stupid. like me x.x
  10. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I have screwed up every opportunity of every size I hve ever had cross my path in my life.

    Failed more than the average person three times my age has.

    I think that qualifies me as stupid.

    Anyway I'm going to do some serious research and thinking tonight on how to do it properly as the current methods I have been using haven't worked for me as many of you know.

    I need to think.
  11. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    at least ppl answer you, my thread is dead atm. i geuss thats what i get for almost being a murder x.x and please don't go....life doesn't hate u it hates me >_<
  12. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Well, I OD'd again, surprise surprise.

    I switched it up a bit, as well as adding alcohol and taking more than ever.

    I pray it'll work but honestly I doubt it will.

    Why the fuck not? If I die, great, if not I can try again. I've got nothing to lose anyway.
  13. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    You DO have something to lose... others who have tried repeatedly have LIVED but caused themselves NUMEROUS health problems... you could end up REALLY screwed up health wise, in HUGE physical pain, AND have NO way to ever end it yourself... you might screw yourself up so bad you have to lie in a bed, not being able to help yourself... just LIE there in PAIN and AGONY and NOT be able to do a damn thing about it! You could be destroying your organs, but LIVE TO SUFFER through it! :sad:
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i can see how it's uncomfortable to talk to a therapist who seems like a stranger, about something so personal and intimate to you.

    they won't do anything frightening like lock you up or tell your parents if they don't think you're in immediate danger(and you are, i know) but if you say you don't have a plan you most probably will be ok.

    there are ways of talking about suicidal feelings without your parents knowing. key word: feelings, rather than plans. and feelings can be frightening to open up especially with someone you don't fully trust. again, i suggest talking to your therapist about his responsibility when it comes to confidentiality so you know how much you can or cannot say .

    what have you failed at? you haven't failed to provide people here with an empathetic ear, you haven't failed to make me see that you're a very thoughtful man who is going through a lot of pain and has a lot of insight but can communicate this through ODs cutting and suicide. are these attempts failed suicide attempts or an internal struggle going on within you?

    to fail means you have certain standards that many people hold as unquestionable truth. and with the people who appear 'successful'- they might feel failures because they hold values different to the people around them. i might be talking about something completely irrelevant to you, as i don't know precisely where your feelings of failure come from. you screwing up every opportunity- maybe there were reasons why this happened? maybe it's not as simple as you've failed and you were in control/the perfect time in your life at seizing that opportunity?

    nobody wants to live in this hell for 50 years. that doesn't mean that the possibility of change , an ease of your pain won't happen. when you're dead, there will be no possibility of seeing this through and realising your potential when alive.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2009
  15. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    My head and chest are fucking killing me, so I'll respond to the best of my ability.

    My family has always had very high expectations, and I just can't live up to them anymore.

    I'm in very deep with problems like school that I'm just not going to get out of.

    So fuck it. If I keep overdosing I'll probably eventually die.

    I have nothing going for me. I suck at everything. I try and try but just can't do it.

    I have talked to my therapist and any talk of suicide, plans or not is reason to notify parents.

    Dieing just seems so preferable. Blackness everlasting.

    I hope that made sense. I don't really feel like looking it over.
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    your parents are killing you.

    school is killing you

    find a new therapist

    and i do hope you don't die tonight. your parents and school don't make you who you are.
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