Dammit

Like many others on this forum, i'm feeling depressed and fucked. I should post this on my journal but what the hell? Why not post on here?

I am feeling suicidal because (Don't laugh), I feel like that there's no point going on. I do fencing for a sport, though only for winter and there was this moment during a bout where I was extremely tired and was losing badly [14-4]. Every breath hurt because it's more tiring than one imagines and at one point I thought What's the point of going on? You're 1 point from losing anyway and he's better than you. Just give up now! Even if you win a point, you'll still be tired but if you give up, you can stop this right now!

And that's kind of what i'm feeling now. I feel like no matter how many of my little successes (bad spelling, I know) are, or how fulfilling they are, I will always, ALWAYS feel the deaths of people on my hands and that the only way out is death. I know I should let my life develop a little bit (I'm 14) but what's the point? Life will always hurt.

But, I know I won't suicide. Like many others, i'm too scared to.

 

hey john

i remember when I joined SF when I was ur age........looking back on things, it didn't seem as bad. well, i dont no if it's worse now or better, but i've probly become more crazy.

what i'm attempting to say is, have you ever seeked help? like therapy etc. I'm seeing a counsellor(i guess?) at the moment and to be honest, I don't know if it's helping. I've kinda made a decision that I'll be 'gone' by about 2013, I haven't told anyone and there's no real point. mum contstantly "stresses" about me(i had to tell them that i had been depressed etc for a few years/having suicidal thoughts), and it kinda pisses me off. by getting therapy I never actually expected to get better. i'll be off in a couple of years so does it really matter? no.

what are your goals in life? how are you going in school? what's your social life like? do you have one?

 

I've attempted to have counselling once, gave up and am deciding to go to counselling again (or preferable therapy). I'm only 14, so I CAN'T go to therapy and am scared of counselling because of fears that my parent's would find out and react badly.

My goals in life... Well, I want to be a doctor because of events in my life. Academically, i'm struggling to concentrate because school is a kind of trigger (That sentence makes almost no sense) to me.

My social life from the outside looking in is great. Absolutely NOBODY I can trust, but lot's of people who can trust me. For example. Do you know the colleague down the aisle, the one who's entertaining and funny? That's basically me.

I have put on this facade for about... 4 years? I've dropped my mask a few times because of anniversaries. I'm friends with almost everyone in my year and almost all people know me because of my tendancy of making people like me. And because of that I adapt.

On a side note, you DO realize that "John Smith" is a fake name right (not supposed to be insulting, I just don't know how these forum's work T_T)

 

haha yea , i do no that john smith is a generally fake name. i thought of mentioning it but I didn't actually know if it WAS your name(so i didn't want to insult u lol).

With counselling, there's a confidentiality policy. They only tell your parents about what ur talking about if you mention that you're going to kill yourself in the immediate future/or harm someone else etc. your counsellor should go through with you on what the policy is and what they tell your parents. But all in all, what you say between u and ur counsellor, stays between u and ur counsellor(that's wat mine said).

I wouldn't say I have a 'facade', people just seem to think I'm a relatively quiet/depressive person. I'm not a very outgoing person anyway, but I've been depressed for so long that it kinda becomes a part of you. It changes you, it stops being an 'illness' and starts being 'you'.

anyway, what triggers u in school?

 

Yeah, I was free of depression a while ago for a couple of days but like you said depression starts becoming "you" and so I kind of craved it (Yeah, that sounds weird I know) . It was the norm for so long, you start to think in a way that doesn't aggravate it... If you know what I mean. So right now, i'm balancing a tight rope just between depression and happiness but when I fall, I don't fall on the happy side.

Well, I guess tests trigger me but more so is the expectation that tests bring with it I guess. I just want a time where I have no responsibility nor expectation
to live up to. What's more is that before school used to be fun. But know I have lost all interests with the exception of music. But even in music there's a high expectation expected of me. T_T. Damnit.

I used to talk to this to a close friend who always encouraged me and made me have a reason to wake up every day and to study as hard as I can. But now... Well, if you know a bit more about me, you should know I bitch about this a lot!

 

And the sad thing is, I also don't really want to be happy. Because it's more painful to get up and be shot down, then to simply stay lying dead on the ground(yea, we're analogy I know lol).

Tests actually don't trigger me. It's the presentations etc(closely tied in with my social anxiety etc). I kinda like the tests/exams because I can do really badly on them and I don't seem to give a shit. I don't have many interests left either. Well I have none. So...yea :unsure:.

When are you starting therapy?

 

Hmm... I don't know when i'm starting it. Probably when I man up and tell the councellor that I need an appointment and that something is wrong with me.