I want to go hang myself tonight in the forest by my house. I bought the rope, I just need to tie the noose. The other one I made is from this painful/scratchy plastic material so I bought some soft fabric rope. I bought it longer too so I can hang it from a tree. What bothers me and pisses me off is that I'm so damn chicken that when it comes down to it, I will most likely not do this, half attempt it, or attempt it and then make sure I have something like a freakin knife in my pocket so I can cut myself down. Ughhh. Which means I will wake up on this forum again tomorrow whining about how I want to die but can't because I'm too chicken-shit to do it. I hate myself. :'( I'll never see my ex again and it's killing me. I think I'm borderline personality disorder, I'm an artist who can't make art because I have had ZERO motivation or inspiration for YEARS because I don't have energy, enthusiasm, concentration or an attention span. Also my other ex used me for sex this morning. It wasn't even good sex. In fact it lasted like ten minutes, was somewhat painful and he got off and it was just the story of my life. No man has ever taken the time to care about ME and MY BODY! This is turning into a stupid rant about immediate feelings triggering my thoughts which are not the actual basis for my suicidal tendencies but merely surface reasons.