Damn it!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nyx, Jul 6, 2009.

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  1. Nyx

    Nyx Member

    I want to go hang myself tonight in the forest by my house. I bought the rope, I just need to tie the noose. The other one I made is from this painful/scratchy plastic material so I bought some soft fabric rope. I bought it longer too so I can hang it from a tree.

    What bothers me and pisses me off is that I'm so damn chicken that when it comes down to it, I will most likely not do this, half attempt it, or attempt it and then make sure I have something like a freakin knife in my pocket so I can cut myself down. Ughhh. Which means I will wake up on this forum again tomorrow whining about how I want to die but can't because I'm too chicken-shit to do it. I hate myself. :'(

    I'll never see my ex again and it's killing me. I think I'm borderline personality disorder, I'm an artist who can't make art because I have had ZERO motivation or inspiration for YEARS because I don't have energy, enthusiasm, concentration or an attention span.

    Also my other ex used me for sex this morning. It wasn't even good sex. In fact it lasted like ten minutes, was somewhat painful and he got off and it was just the story of my life. No man has ever taken the time to care about ME and MY BODY!

    This is turning into a stupid rant about immediate feelings triggering my thoughts which are not the actual basis for my suicidal tendencies but merely surface reasons.
  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Sorry you are feeling so low atm, stick around and talk to us?
    You say your feelings are not the actual basis for your suicidal tendencies, do you know what is?
    I hope you feel better in the morning :hug:
  3. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    I hope you'll reconsider what you're planning to do.
  4. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    If you're really a borderline, then you know that you have emotions that swing from high to low pretty rapidly. Can you not just wait until this passes?

    I'm an artist too--a writer. I know what it's like to want to create but to have no inspiration. I also took a course on being creative when you don't feel like it, so maybe I can give you some advice.

    When you wake up tomorrow, get out whatever materials you use to create your art and create something. Do it even if it's going to be the worst, most uninspired thing you've ever created. Actually, shoot for something really bad, and celebrate the fact that you achieved your goal of creating some really bad art. Put it on display as if it were a work of genius. Have a good laugh.

    On Wednesday, try to create a piece that's at least better than the one you make tomorrow. Keep going like that.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Nyx,

    I hope you didn't harm yourself. :(
    It takes more courage to live than to die, don't be so hard on yourself. :hug:
    You probably need to get your ex out of your life, or he will keep using you and your self esteem will lower.
    Please let us know if you are ok!
    You can PM me anytime if you need to talk.
  6. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I hope you are ok. Let us know how are you doing please.
    I agree with Daisychain, keep your ex far away from you, he isn't doing you any good, and you will feel better without him around.
  7. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    Hey you know there's more to life. You don't need your ex anyway, so why are you sleeping with him, if he doesn't treat you right?
    I know there's the urge and loneliness..but take care of yourself okay. You're worth a lot more than what people think.
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