damn it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by numb_numb, Aug 25, 2006.

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  1. numb_numb

    numb_numb Member

    fuck, fuck, fuck, i suck. hello everone, i just ruined my life again through stupidity, yay! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :sad: ... everything was going so well, then i blew it all in one stupid hour.. why am i such a shy piece of shit, i hate myself, i hate myself, i hate myself, i hate myself. :sad: :sad: :sad:
     
  2. numb_numb

    numb_numb Member

    i was so close.. i almost had the one thing i ever wanted, but i suuuuuck, why is it that one hour can ruin your life? damn itttt... i put so much effort into improving myself, and it wasn't good enough, damn, this morning i was on top of the world, i actually felt like i was worth something, now i'm back at the bottom. damn damn damn i am worthless.
     
  3. numb_numb

    numb_numb Member

    i want to say i just don't care anymore, but i am really devistated... i don't understand why it has to be like this ... why was i so fucking shy, what the fuck was i thinking... i wish i could just do it over.. just one day, it would make all the difference in the world. damn it damn it. i hate myself. why was i like that. damnnnn it.
     
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    You and me both.

    Wanna talk about it, go into more detail? Don't worry, your situation has happened to just about everyone on Earth and I'm sorry you had to go through it, really wish we could have a do it over machine sometimes.
     
  5. numb_numb

    numb_numb Member

    i sent you a ranting pm :D:D:D:D yaaaay, i hate myself.

    dear me,

    you suck.


    Sincerely,
    me. :)
     
  6. numb_numb

    numb_numb Member

    okay, screw it, who cares.. i'll just have to deal with it. whining about it doesn't do me any good. dear everybody, please don't bug me. goodbye again SF! :smile:
     
  7. numb_numb

    numb_numb Member

    woooow, moodswings, i'm cryin again :D oh well, suck it up me :mad: i never swear in real life or even write swears usually, so here i go again: fuck. thats all. :biggrin: :biggrin:: :mad: :sad: :sad: :sad: i think i should not talk when i am like this... i have to fix.. but it is unfixable situation.. this really is.. i have to walk away or risk hurting someones feelings as well as my own, which is unacceptable :sad: damn it, i was so close...... my heart pines for thee :smile: ah, i'm a loser... oh well, things will get better, who cares if they don't anyways... it doesn't matter whether i die happy or torn apart, its all the same in the end. everyone will be forgotten, our lives are inherintly meaningless... ssssssscrew it i don't care. fuck. fuck. shit. damn it. i hate myseeeeeelft. okay, bye again! toodley :p
     
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am sorry to hear that... at least I know that all hard work can be for nothing in the way of this world... or something like that.. I am sorry to hear that.. you seemed so much better.

    I hope that you did not lose too much ground so you can pick yourself up and start over again.
     
  9. numb_numb

    numb_numb Member

    yeah, thanks man... we'll see.. too soon to tell whether i'm permanantly back in a rut or not dammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmn it............. i fucking hate myself for this
     
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I don't think you are... you were strong enough to pull yourself out of the rut... I am sure you are not in it.. and you will just climb out no problem.
     
  11. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hiya,

    Just wondered how you're doing now...? I hope you've been able to rest some or do something to help yourself with these feelings. Certainly sounds like you're going through a hell of a lot right now..

    Please let us know how you're doing if you want.. we do care
    :hug:
     
  12. ministeve

    ministeve Member

    I know exactly how you feel... this was my exact response a couple of weeks ago...
    doesn't life just move way too fast...
    sk
     
  13. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    very true! life moves so fast and is so short, thats why im a firm believer of make the most of it because one day you wont have it :smile:

    vikki x
     
  14. numb_numb

    numb_numb Member

    ahhhh.... i'm so sad.. yesterday was the best day of my life, really.. i thought everything had finally turned around.. since i left last time every day had been better than the one before it.. and then.. yesterday evening it turned into the worst day of my life.. strange how the same day can be the best and worst day of your life.. really, by contrast it makes it seem all the worse.. higher you climb, further you fall i guess. but, i've decided.. i failed because i am shy, this is a quality that can be fixed.. every day i'm going to try to make myself a better person, maybe some day i will be good enough. just.. because.. that one day was worth all of the misery before it, so if i can reach it again, it will be worth any amount of work, i won't make the same mistake twice, i'll always make an effort to be at my best, if i fail, who cares, if i succeed i will finally be happy.
     
  15. numb_numb

    numb_numb Member

    yes.. not getting out of bed until 4pm even though i woke up at 9am gives me alot of time to think it over........ ahhh, but i still think of my one moment of complete happiness and.. it brings tears to my eyes to remember it just for a second.. hopefully that wont last too long, or i'll appear to be a real weirdo when i'm shopping for groceries and suddenly start bawling while choosing what type of apple to buy :wink:
     
  16. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    nice to see you here numb_numb!

    just like to say that i think you have a great attitude towards the cycle of being at a high on minute then down the next, its the trus the higher you climb the further you fall, im glad to here that your not letting these fall's get to you and your getting straight back up and fighting these feelings, this is a great attitude to have! and i sincerely hope when you reach the top that you will stay there for the rest of your life and live in happiness without falling back down, i really do hope you find happiness

    vikki x
     
  17. numb_numb

    numb_numb Member

    thanks vikki.. and.. it really works both ways i guess.. the lower you start climbing, the higher you seem and you can be much happier than someone who has never been to the bottom :tongue: .... wowowowow moodswings.. hopefully these will pass soon. thanks for the well wishes :smile: .. but.. really, if someone else can be happy i can be too, all thats standing in my way is shyness, thats just one small trait. but. ahhhhhhh, i ruined it.. but.. oh well, keep on trying right? as you can see my thoughts are all over the place still :biggrin: .. but, i'm not as bad as last night, so thats good.. i'll just have to start trudging towards the top again
     
  18. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    this is very true, it takes alot of strength to take what life throws at us but it takes even more strength to get straight back after life knocks us down, if you grab hold of this strength and never let go, happiness is going to be yours, i really admire your courage and strength. all though your thoughts are all over the place right now you are still be able to see your goal of happiness, usually when we feel like crap or depressed a 'fog' covers our goals and we can no longer see them until we are in a better move, but by the sound of it even tho your in a low state right now you can still see that goal and i admire that. It shows your charisma, courage, determination and strength is very strong and will be. Your determination inspires others to be strong and thats a great quality to have. You will reach your goal one day its just a case of what day will life give you the break you so deserve

    vikki x
     
  19. numb_numb

    numb_numb Member

    thanks again everyone, I'm leaving once again.. this really helps me out by letting me write down and organize my thoughts. and get a little friendly feedback :), and, i just want to stress to everyone, that its really worth the struggle, at times i don't believe it, and i know most of you wont, but just trust me on this one, its really worth it once you reach happiness.. just do something make yourself a better person everyday and eventually you will reach your goals, everything you've ever wanted can be yours, there is nothing stopping you but yourself.. and you CAN change yourself, i'm much better than i used to be, but i've got to keep on working. you have to take risks to succeed, just waiting for something good to happen to you does not work, i've tried, but, if you want something, work for it, you can get it, i've tried this as well, and withing a couple months my life was perfect.. sometimes you fail, but just remember you can always get back on top if you just never give up on making yourself a better person.. okay, i'm off, laterz :smile:
     
  20. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    numb_numb you have such a great attitude to life! people can learn alot from you, your very inspiring, and im glad to say you'v inspired me right now :biggrin:

    hope to talk to you again :biggrin:

    take care

    vikki x
     
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